Posted by Funn E. Guy on April 10, 1996 at
13:39:22:
Vowels to Bosnia
ask and you shall receive...
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First
Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday,
President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000
vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment,
the largest of its kind in American history, will provide
the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O,U,
and Y, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian words more
pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like
Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly
butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said.
"Today, the United States must finally stand up and say
'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some
vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to
lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."
The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State
Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic
port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first
recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying more
than 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews
Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters
over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival
of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another
day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and
none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to
anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched
family just one 'E.' Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few
key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my
dream."
If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the
United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel
deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more
letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are
expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British
"A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and
O's, was asked to participate, but declined.
"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged
Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words,"
Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and
much easier for us to read their maps."
Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For
decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and
difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are
crucial to construction of all language," Baylor
University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it
would be difficult to utter a single word, much less
organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me
started on the moon-man languages they use in those
Eastern European countries."
According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they
will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The
potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my
children are dead from the war" [And "Oh my God, there's
an axe in my head." ?]
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any
letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer
of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to
Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and
Aao with vital, lifegiving supplies of L's, S's and T's.
The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast
quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by
violent, gun-toting warlords.
-- Gregory P. Nowell Associate Professor Department of Political Science, Milne 100 State University of New York 135 Western Ave. Albany, New York 12222
Fax 518-442-5298