Vowels to Bosnia (ripped from Cartalk web site)

Greg Nowell GN842 at CNSVAX.Albany.Edu
Wed Jun 9 13:00:19 PDT 1999


Posted by Funn E. Guy on April 10, 1996 at

13:39:22:

Vowels to Bosnia

ask and you shall receive...

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First

Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday,

President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000

vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment,

the largest of its kind in American history, will provide

the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O,U,

and Y, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian words more

pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like

Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly

butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said.

"Today, the United States must finally stand up and say

'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some

vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to

lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State

Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic

port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first

recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying more

than 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews

Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters

over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival

of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another

day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and

none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to

anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched

family just one 'E.' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few

key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my

dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the

United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel

deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more

letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are

expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British

"A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and

O's, was asked to participate, but declined.

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged

Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words,"

Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and

much easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For

decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and

difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are

crucial to construction of all language," Baylor

University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it

would be difficult to utter a single word, much less

organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me

started on the moon-man languages they use in those

Eastern European countries."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they

will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The

potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my

children are dead from the war" [And "Oh my God, there's

an axe in my head." ?]

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any

letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer

of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to

Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and

Aao with vital, lifegiving supplies of L's, S's and T's.

The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast

quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by

violent, gun-toting warlords.

-- Gregory P. Nowell Associate Professor Department of Political Science, Milne 100 State University of New York 135 Western Ave. Albany, New York 12222

Fax 518-442-5298



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