> NEWS FLASH!!
>
> "FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN," Say Experts.
>
> WASHINGTON, DC--Citing years of frustration over their advice being
> misunderstood, misrepresented or simply ignored, America's foremost
> experts
> in every field collectively tendered their resignation Monday.
>
> "Despite all our efforts to advise this nation, America still throws
> out its
> recyclables, keeps its guns in unlocked cabinets where children have
> easy
> access, eats three times as much red meat as is recommended, watches
> seven
> hours of TV per day, swims less than 10 minutes after eating, and
> leaves
> halogen lights on while unattended," said Dr. Simon Peavy,
> vice-president of
> the National Association of Experts. "Since you don't seem to care
> about
> things you don't understand, screw you. We quit."
>
> "My final piece of expert advice," Peavy added, "is that all of you
> people
> should just go f*** yourselves."
>
> Michael Leland, until recently a Department of Energy advisor
> specializing
> in planetary energy-use infrastructures and a leading expert in
> petrochemical and fossil-fuel depletion, maintained that the experts'
> mass
> resignation is justified. "Last year, I testified before Congress that
> at
> the current rate of consumption, the planet's supply of coal, natural
> gas
> and oil would be gone within 40 years, and they looked at me as if I
> was
> some sort of crackpot," Leland said. "What's the point?"
>
> "We'll say it one last time before we pack up and go: In 20 years,
> you'll be
> up to your asses in old folks," a written statement from the National
> Advisory Council On Aging read in part. "Since America has not yet
> begun
> making preparations for the explosion in its senior population, we
> recommend
> that you begin research on federally funded, hydroelectrically powered
> 'eldercution camps,' where the teeming hordes of the aged can be
> disposed of
> quickly and painlessly."
>
> According to Peavy, despite the vast amounts of scientifically proven
> and
> historically sound advice provided by the nation's experts, the
> National
> Association of Experts could cite no instances of advice being
> followed in
> the manner they had intended. "Public reaction was favorable to the
> news
> that a glass of wine a day can help prevent heart attacks," Peavy
> said. "Of
> course, most people figured that eight glasses of wine a day must be
> better
> than one. And many Americans reacted well to the news that eggs
> probably
> wouldn't kill them outright. Aside from that, they've pretty much
> ignored
> every word we've ever said concerning just about everything."
>
> Because the experts' advice was barely followed, the mass resignation
> is
> expected to have little impact on the lives of most Americans.
>
> "Go ahead, America," Peavy said. "You don't need us. Watch all the
> topsoil
> go down the Mississippi. Transport your children in baskets on top of
> your
> SUV deathmobiles. Keep playing with your cute and cuddly pal, the
> atom.
> Press your nose against the TV screen for even more educational 3rd
> Rock
> From The Sun enjoyment. Use plentiful gasoline to burn book-readers at
> the
> stake. Don't eat anything but sugared pork lard. Do whatever you
> want."
>
> Despite its negligible impact on the population at large, the sudden
> dearth
> of experts is expected to be devastating for the American media,
> particularly TV newsmagazines, which have come to heavily rely on
> experts
> for their incisive, time-filling punditry.
>
> "How in the world are we supposed to do a story on how the Internet is
> changing the face of Christianity without Internet and Christianity
> experts?" said Dateline NBC executive producer Russell Ross. "How can
> we
> report on the stress-relieving impact of whale songs without top
> psychotherapists and marine biologists to offer their perspective?
> Without
> the insight of professors and best-selling authors, a TV special
> report has
> no credibility. It may well mean the end of American telejournalism as
> we
> know it."
>
> According to FDA spokesperson Jonathan Landau, the exiting advisors
> will be
> missed, but the nation must move forward. "We, of course, are deeply
> saddened to lose America's most knowledgeable individuals in every
> field,"
> Landau said. "But at the same time, it's important to recognize that
> their
> advice, however well-informed or well-intentioned, was almost always
> impractical."
END