<HTML> <HEAD> <TITLE>A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum</TITLE> <X-SAS-WINDOW TOP=44 BOTTOM=472 LEFT=8 RIGHT=633> </HEAD> <BODY BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF"> A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM MUSIC AND LYRICS BY STEPHEN SONDHEIM <HR WIDTH="50%" NOSHADE> Comedy Tonight PSEUDOLUS: Something familiar, Something peculiar, Something for everyone: A comedy tonight! Something appealing, Something appalling, Something for everyone: A comedy tonight! Nothing with kings, nothing with crowns; Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns! Old situations, New complications, Nothing portentous or polite; Tragedy tomorrow, Comedy tonight! Something convulsive, Something repulsive, Something for everyone: A comedy tonight! Something aesthetic, Something frenetic, Something for everyone: A comedy tonight! Nothing with gods, nothing with fate; Weighty affairs will just have to wait! Nothing that's formal, Nothing that's normal, No recitations to recite; Open up the curtain: Comedy Tonight! Something erratic, Something dramatic, Something for everyone: A comedy tonight! Frenzy and frolic, Strictly symbolic, Something for everyone: A comedy tonight! ENTIRE COMPANY: Something familiar, Something peculiar, Something for everybody: Comedy tonight! Something that's gaudy, Something that's bawdy-- PSEUDOLUS: Something for everybawdy! ENTIRE COMPANY: Comedy tonight! MILES GLORIOSUS: Nothing that's grim. DOMINA: Nothing that's Greek. PSEUDOLUS [Indicating DOMINA]: She plays Medea later this week. WOMEN: Stunning surprises! MEN: Cunning disguises! ALL: Hundreds of actors out of sight! ERRONIUS: Pantaloons and tunics! SENEX: Courtesans and eunuchs! HERO: Funerals and chases! LYCUS: Baritones and basses! PHILIA: Panderers! HERO: Philanderers! HYSTERIUM: Cupidity! MILES: Timidity! LYCUS: Mistakes! ERRONIUS: Fakes! DOMINA: Rhymes! PHILIA: Crimes! PSEUDOLUS: Tumblers! Grumblers! Bumblers! Fumblers! ALL: No royal curse, no Trojan horse, And a happy ending, of course! Goodness and badness, Panic is madness-- This time it all turns out all right! Tragedy tomorrow, Comedy tonight!    Love, I Hear HERO: Now that we're alone, may I tell you: I've been feeling very strange. Either something's in the air, or else a change Is happening in me. I think I know the cause-- I'm sure I know the cause-- From everything I've heard, there's only one cause it can be. Love, I hear, makes you sigh a lot, Also, love, I hear, makes you weak. Love, I hear, makes you blush and turns you ashen, You try to speak with passion And squeak, I hear. Love, they say, Makes you pine away, But you pine away with an idiotic grin. I pine, I blush, I squeak, I squawk, Today I woke too weak to walk. What's love, I hear, I feel, I fear I'm in. Ahh... See what I mean? Da da da da da da dum... I hum a lot too. I'm dazed I'm pale, I'm sick, I'm sore, I've never felt so well before! What's love, I hear, I feel, I fear, I know I am-- I'm sure--I mean-- I hope--I trust-- I pray I must Be in! Forgive me if I shout, Forgive me if I crow. I've only just found out, And--well, I thought you ought to know.    Free PSEUDOLUS: Oh, what a word! Oh, what a word! Say it again. HERO: Free! PSEUDOLUS: I often thought, I often dreamed how it would be-- And yet I never thought I'd be-- Once again. HERO: Free! PSEUDOLUS: But when you come to think of such things, A man should have the rights that all others-- Can you imagine what it will be like when I am-- Can you see me? Can you see me as a Roman with my head unbowed? Sing it good and loud! HERO: Free! PSEUDOLUS: Like a Roman having rights and like a Roman proud? Can you see me? HERO: I can see you. PSEUDOLUS: Can you see me, a reformer fighting graft and vice? Sing it soft and nice! HERO: Free! PSEUDOLUS: Why, I'll be so consciencious that I may vote twice! Can you see me? Can you see me? When I'm free to be whatever I want to be, Think what wonders I'll accomplish then! When the master that I serve is me and just me-- Can you see me being equal with my countrymen? Can you see me being Pseudolus the citizen? Can you see me being--give it to me once again-- HERO: Free! PSEUDOLUS: Yes! HERO: Free! PSEUDOLUS: That's it! HERO: Free! PSEUDOLUS: Now, not so fast! I didn't think-- The way I am, I have a roof, three meals a day, And I don't have to pay a thing. I'm just a slave and everything's free. If I were free, then nothing would be free! And if I'm beaten now and then, what does it matter? HERO: Free! PSEUDOLUS: Can you see me? Can you see me as a poet writing poetry? All my verse will be-- HERO: Free. PSEUDOLUS: A museum will have me pickled for posterity. Can you see me? HERO: I can see you. PSEUDOLUS: Can you see me as a lover, one of great renown? Women falling down-- HERO: Free? PSEUDOLUS: No. But I'll buy the house of Lycus for my house in town. Can you see me? Can you see me? Be you anything from king to baker of cakes, You're a vegetable unless you're free. Such a little word, but oh, the difference it makes! It's the necessary essence of democracy, It's the thing that every slave should have the right to be, And I soon will have the right to buy a slave for me. Can you see him? Well, I'll free him! When a Pseudolus can move, the universe shakes, But I'll never move until I'm free. Such a little word, but oh, the difference it makes! I'll be Pseudolus, the founder of a family, I'll be Pseudolus, the pillar of society, I'll be Pseudolus the man, if I can only be-- HERO: Free! PSEUDOLUS: Sing it! HERO: Free! PSEUDOLUS: Spell it! HERO: F-R- double-- PSEUDOLUS: No, the long way! HERO: F-R-E-E! PSEUDOLUS & HERO: Free!    Lovely PHILIA: I'm lovely, All I am is lovely. Lovely is the one thing I can do. Winsome, What I am is winsome, Radiant as in some Dream come true. Oh, Isn't it a shame? I can neither sew Nor cook nor read or write my name. But I'm happy Merely being lovely, For it's one thing I can give to you. HERO: You're lovely, Absolutely lovely. Who'd believe the loveliness of you? Winsome, Sweet and warm and winsome, Radiant as in some Dream come true. Now Venus would seem tame, Helen and her thou- Sand ships would have to die of shame. HERO & PHILIA: And I'm happy, Happy that you're/I'm lovely, For there's one thing loveliness can do: It's a gift for me to share with you!    Pretty Little Picture PSEUDOLUS: In the Tiber there sits a boat, Gently dipping its bow, Trim and tidy and built to float. Pretty little picture? Now: Put a boy on the starboard side, Leaning out of the rail. Next to him put a blushing bride, Slim and slender and starry-eyed, Down below put a tiny bed. The sun gets pale, The sea gets red, And off they sail On the first high tide: The boat and the bed and the boy and the bride. It's a pretty little picture, oh my! Pretty little picture, how true! Pretty little picture, which I, Pseudol-iddle-us, give to you! Feel the roll of the playful waves, See the sails as they swell, Hear the whips on the galley-slaves. PSEUDOLUS, HERO & PHILIA: Pretty little picture? PSEUDOLUS: Well: Let it carry your cares away, Out of sight, out of mind, Past the buoy and through the bay, Soon there's nothing but sea and spray. Night descends and the moon's aglow-- Your arms entwined, You steal below, And far behind, At the edge of day, The bong of the bell of the buoy in the bay, And the boy and the bride and the boat are away. HERO & PHILIA: It's a pretty little picture to share As our little boat sails to sea. PSEUDOLUS: Take your little trip free as air-- Have a little freedom on me! HERO & PHILIA: No worries, no bothers, No captains, no fathers... PSEUDOLUS: In the ocean an island waits, Smooth and sandy and pink, Filled with lemons and nuts and dates. PSEUDOLUS, HERO & PHILIA: Pretty little picture? PSEUDOLUS: Think: In a cottage of cypress trees, Seashells dotting the door, Boy and bride live a life of ease-- PSEUDOLUS, HERO & PHILIA: Doing nothing but what they please. PSEUDOLUS: And every night when the stars appear, There's nothing more To see and hear, Just the shore Where the lovers lie-- HERO & PHILIA: The sand and the sea and the stars and the sky-- PSEUDOLUS: And the sound of a soft little satisfied sigh. PSEUDOLUS, HERO & PHILIA: All your/our petty little problems will cease, And your/our little blessings will flow, And your/our little family increase-- Pretty little picture? PSEUDOLUS: No, no! PSEUDOLUS, HERO & PHILIA: Pretty little masterpiece! Pretty little picture...    Everybody Ought to Have a Maid SENEX: Everybody ought to have a maid, Everybody ought to have a working girl, Everybody ought to have a lurking girl To putter around the house. Everybody ought to have a maid, Everybody ought to have a menial Consistantly congenial And quieter than a mouse. Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious, Tidying up the dishes, Neat as a pin. Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful, Sweeping out, Sleeping in. Everybody ought to have a maid, Someone who you hire when you're short of help To offer you the sort of help You never get from a spouse: Fluttering up the stairway, Shuttering up the windows, Cluttering up the bedroom, Buttering up the master, Puttering all around the house! Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious, [etc.] Everybody ought to have a maid, Someone who in fetching you your slipper will Be winsome as a whipporwill And graceful as a grouse: Skittering down the hallway, Flittering through the parlor, Tittering in the pantry, Littering up the bedroom-- SENEX & PSEUDOLUS: Twittering all around the house! HYSTERIUM: A maid? SENEX: A maid. PSEUDOLUS: A maid. ALL: A maid! Everybody ought to have a maid, Everybody ought to have a serving-girl, A loyal and unswerving girl, To putter around the house. Oh, oh, HYSTERIUM: Think of her at the dustbin, 'Specially when she's just been Traipsing about. ALL: Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful, HYSTERIUM: Living in, SENEX: Giving out. ALL: Everybody ought to have a maid, Daintily collecting bits of paper n' strings, Appealing in her apron strings And graceful as a grouse. HYSTERIUM: Pattering through the attic, SENEX: Chattering in the cellar, PSEUDOLUS: Clattering in the kitchen, SENEX: Flattering in the bedroom, ALL: Puttering all around the house! The house! The house! LYCUS: A maid? HYSTERIUM: A maid. PSEUDOLUS: A maid. SENEX: A maid! ALL: Everybody ought to have a maid, Someone who's efficient and reliable, Obedient and pliable, And quieter than a mouse! Oh, oh, wouldn't she be so nimble, Fiddling with her thimble, Mending her gown. Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful, LYCUS: Cleaning up, SENEX: Leaning down. ALL: Everybody ought to have a maid, Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee And even if you grumble, be As graceful as a grouse. LYCUS: Wriggling in the anteroom, HYSTERIUM: Jiggling in the dining room, PSEUDOLUS: Giggling in the living room, SENEX: Wiggling in the other rooms, ALL: Puttering all around the house! The house! The house! The house!    I'm Calm HYSTERIUM: I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm perfectly calm, I'm utterly under control. I haven't a worry: Where others would hurry I stroll. I'm calm, I'm cool, A gibbering fool Is something I never become. When thunder is rumbling And others are crumbling, I hum. Hm--hmmm--hmmmmm!!!!! HMMMMM!!!! H-M-M-M!!!! I must think calm comforting things, Butterfly wings, Emerald rings, Or a murmuring brook, Murmuring, murmuring, murmuring...look, I'm calm, I'm calm, I haven't a qualm, I'm utterly under control. Let nothing confuse me Or faze me-- [yawn] -- Excuse me. I'm calm. Oh so calm. Oh so-- PSEUDOLUS (offstage): Hysterium! HYSTERIUM: I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm perfectly calm, Indifferent to tensions and shocks. Unruffled and ready, My nerves are as steady As rocks. I'm calm, controlled, So cool that I'm cold, Aloofer than any giraffe. When something's the matter, Where others would shatter I laugh. [Laughs hysterically] I must breathe deep, ever so deep, Think about sheep Going to sleep, Stop and count up to ten, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9...when You need aplomb And want to be calm 'Cause life is a horrible dream, Just count up to ten Very slowly, and then-- PSEUDOLUS (offstage): Hysterium! HYSTERIUM: Scream. [He screams.]  Impossible SENEX: Why did he look at her that way? HERO: Why did he look at her that way? SENEX & HERO: Must be my imagination. SENEX: She's a lovely blooming flower, he's just a sprout-- Impossible! HERO: She's a lovely blooming flower, he's all worn out-- Impossible! SENEX: Just a fledgeling in the nest... HERO: Just a man who needs a rest... SENEX: He's a beamish boy at best. HERO: Poor old fellow! SENEX: He's a child, and love's a test he's too young to pass-- Impassible! HERO: He has asthma, gout, a wife, lumbago and gas-- Irascible! SENEX: Romping in the nursery... HERO: He looks tired... SENEX: Son, sit on your father's knee. HERO: Father, you can lean on me. SENEX & HERO: Him? Im- Possible! HERO: But why did she wave at him that way? SENEX: Why did she wave at him that way? SENEX & HERO: Could there be an explanation? HERO: Women often want a father, she may want mine-- It's possible! SENEX: He's a handsome lad of twenty, I'm...thirty-nine-- It's possible! HERO: Older men know so much more... SENEX: In a way, I'm forty-four... HERO: Next to him, I'd seem a bore. SENEX: All right, fifty! HERO: Then again, he is my father; I ought to trust-- Impossible! SENEX: Then again, with love at my age, sometimes it's just Impossible! HERO: With a girl I'm ill at ease... SENEX: I don't feel well... HERO: Sir, about those birds and bees-- SENEX: Son, a glass of water, please. SENEX & HERO: The situation's fraught, Fraughter than I thought, With horrible, impossible, possibilities!    Bring Me My Bride SOLDIERS: One, two! One, two! MILES: We not only fought, but we won, too! SOLDIERS: One, two! One, two! Left, right! Left, right! MILES: There's none of the enemy left, right? SOLDIERS: Right! Left...right...right? Left? MILES: Halt! PSEUDOLUS: Hail, Miles Gloriosus. Welcome to Rome. Your bride awaits you. MILES: My bride... My bride! My bride! I've come to claim my bride, Come tenderly to crush her against my side. Let haste be made! I cannot be delayed: There are lands to conquer, cities to loot and peoples to degrade. SOLDIERS: Look at those arms! Look at that chest! Look at them! MILES: Not to mention the rest. Even I am impressed! My bride! My bride! Come, bring to me my bride. My lust for her no longer can be denied. Convey the news! I have no time to lose: There are towns to plunder, temples to burn and women to abuse. SOLDIERS: Look at that foot! Look at that heel! Mark the magnificent muscles of steel! MILES: I am my ideal! I, Miles Gloriosus, I, slaughterer of thousands, I, oppressor of the meek, Subduer of the weak, Degrader of the Greek, Destroyer of the Turk, Must hurry back to work. MILES & ROMANS: I/he, Miles Gloriosus, SOLDIERS: A man among men! MILES & ROMANS: I/he, paragon of virtue, SOLDIERS: With sword and with pen! MILES: I, in war the most admired, In wit the most inspired, In love the most desired, In dress the best displayed-- I am a parade! SOLDIERS: Look at those eyes, cunning and keen, Look at the size of those thighs, like a mighty machine! PSEUDOLUS: Those are the mightiest thighs that I ever have theen! I mean... MILES: My bride! My bride! Inform my lucky bride: The fabled arms of Miles are open wide. Make haste! Make haste! I have no time to waste: There are shrines I should be sacking, Ribs I should be cracking, Eyes to gouge and booty to divide. Bring me my bride!    That Dirty Old Man DOMINA: For over thirty years I've cried myself to sleep, Assailed by doubts and fears So great the gods themselves would weep. The moment I am gone, I wonder where he'll go. In all your simple hon- Esty, you can't begin to know. Ohhhhh, ohhhhh, ahhhhh... I want him, I need him, Where is he? That dirty old man, he's here somewhere, Cavorting with someone young and fair, Disporting in every shameless whim. Just wait till I get my hands on him! I'll hold him, Enfold him, Where is he? That dirty old man, where can he be, Profaning my house for all to see, Complaining that he's misunderstood, Abusing me--if he only would! Oh love, sweet love, why hide? You vermin, you worm, you villain! Confess and press your bride. Wherever he is, I know he's still an Angel, My angel, Where is he? That dirty old man divine! I loathe him, I love him, That lecherous, lewd, lacivious, loathsome, lying, lazy Dirty old man of mine!    That'll Show Him PHILIA: Let the Captain wed me and woo me, I will play my part. Let him make his mad passion to me, You will have my heart. He can have the body he paid for, Nothing but the body he paid for. When he has the body he paid for, Our revenge will start! When I kiss him, I'll be kissing you. So I'll kiss him morning and night-- That'll show him! When I hold him, I'll be holding you. So I'll hold him ten times as tight-- That'll show him too! I shall coo And tenderly stroke his hair, Wish that you Were there. You'd enjoy it! When it's evening, and we're in our tent for two, I'll sit on his knee, Get to know him Intimately, That'll show him How much I really love you!  Lovely (Reprise) PSEUDOLUS: You're lovely, Absolutely lovely. Who'd believe the loveliness of you? Perfect, Sweet and warm and winsome, Radiant as in some Dream come true. Now Venus would seem tame, Helen and her thou- Sand ships would have to die of shame. You're so lovely, Frighteningly lovely, That the world will never seem the same.  Funeral Sequence MILES: Sound the flute, Blow the horn, Pluck the lute, Forward, mourn! MOURNERS: Ahh...ahhh...ahhhh... MILES: Ah! MOURNERS: Ah! MILES: All Crete was at her feet, All Thrace was in her thrall, All Sparta loved her sweetness, and Gaul-- PSEUDOLUS: And Spain-- MILES: And Greece-- PSEUDOLUS: And Egypt-- MILES: And Syria-- PSEUDOLUS: And Mesopotamia-- MOURNERS: All Crete was at her feet, All Thrace was in her thrall, Oh, why should such a blossom fall? MILES: Speak the spells, Strum the lyre, Toll the bells, Light the pyre. MOURNERS: Ahh...ahhh...ahhhh... MILES: All Crete was at her feet, But I shall weep no more. I'll find my consolation as before, Among the simple pleasures of war!    Finale PSEUDOLUS: Lovers divided Get co-incided. Something for everyone-- HERO & PHILIA: A comedy tonight! PSEUDOLUS: Father and mother Get one another. DOMINA: Something for everyone-- SENEX: A tragedy tonight! MILES: I get the twins, they get the best. ERRONIUS: I get a family. HYSTERIUM: I get a rest. SOLDIERS: We get a few girls. LYCUS: I get some new girls. PSEUDOLUS: I get the thing I want to be: Free! ALL: Free! Free! Free! Free! Free! Nothing for kings, nothing for crowns. Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns! What is the moral? Must be a moral. Here is the moral, wrong or right: PSEUDOLUS: Morals tomorrow! ALL: Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy tonight! </BODY> </HTML>