It's a Good Thing: The Joy of Dumb Sticks Identifying, Selecting and Menu Planning [0]
Dumb Sticks are, well, exceedingly dumb. They do, however, come in a variety of shapes and sizes, all of which can be pleasing in their own unique way. We think it best to sample the variety and experiment with those that suit your favoured cooking methods: roasting, flame-broiling, pan-frying, grilling, shish-ka-bobbing, baking, steaming, boiling, smoking, flash-flaming, sauteeing, etc. Fondue is reserved for the most experienced of cooks and the more adventurous of Dumb Stick varieties.
Dumb Sticks should almost always be cooked. Only a few rare specimens can be eaten raw. If you happen upon this delicacy, you will find they are always tasty and sweet because the bulk of their diet is devoted to seafood. You may eat them uncooked as frequently as you like. Reward them, fatten them, encourage efforts at evolutionary advancement through selective reproduction. This rare variety of DumbStick deserves no less than your Goddess-like devotions.
-Identifying Varieties-
With regard to average varieties do not let the appearance of obsessive-compulsive grooming fool you: typically they are not very clean, despite all the preening. It is best to engage in selection during the day. They are more tolerable when sunshine evaporates the copious amounts of cologne lure they douse themselves with in vain efforts to attract Wild College Girls.
They tend to use flashy, visual lures designed to distract you from their less than grade A quality. These visual lures are known as Dumb Sticks on Wheels (DSoWs). Most Dumb Sticks possess at least one DSoW, but certain varieties spend exorbitant sums of cash and time on two or more DSoWs. Those who spend far more than reasonable, often do so in an effort to make themselves seem younger or older than they are.
The younger of the species often combine excessive amounts of bad cologne and DSoWs, generally dirt bikes or street bikes. They often need a great deal of training, though preparation is a snap. Make trips into their habitat for two reasons only: 1] when you inexplicably crave cheap entertainment or 2] when you are feeling generous and wish to guide them through the rituals of DumbStickHood. If you are in your twenties, avoid the ones who drive DSoWs known as crotch rockets; if you are over thirty, however, this can be, shall we say, an experience.
More mature varieties frequently engage in highly ritualized behaviours in order to attract Wild College Girls with the shiny lure of a frequently waxed and polished Dumb Stick on Wheels. Two important caveats: First, avoid at all costs any DumbStick that purchases a product known as Tire Wet. Second, those who purchase DSoW-related products advertised on Infomercials are generally brain dead.
Our favorite variety of DSoW-junkie are those that prefer scented lures associated with DSoW maintenance. motor oil, engine grease, crank case sludge, radiator fluid, ArmourAll, fuel additives, bug and tar remover, transmission fluid. These Dumb Stucks are often talented as well as decorative. Most will happily change your oil, many will mow your lawn and in chillier climates they are very good at shoveling your driveway. The bonus is that they are also often in possession of rippling, taut torsos; their thighs and butt well-toned from the effort expended on DSoW repair and maintenance.
However, other types of DSoW-junkies have distinct disadvantages. Those who cannot refrain from incessant talk of DSoW care and maintenance need to be tenderized mechanically. You cannot rely on chemical substances to tenderize. You may try a natural approach if the Dumb Stick is of the "granola crunch" variety which prefer DSoWs such as old Volvos, VW Beetles and vans: we recommend rubbing them with the juice of kiwi or papaya fruit. For the rest, you must use a quality meat tenderizer mallet available only at restaurant supply stores.
-Dumbtraq Alert: Alpha Geeks-
A new variety of Dumb Stick has emerged during the last decades of the 20th century. They are a peculiar variety, easily recognized by their fluorescent pallor. They congregate near cathode ray tubes, LED screens, and pay phone banks. You can find them at Phillipe's after the 2600 meeting.
If you are interested in this strain, one specialist among us suggests great care be taken to avoid disrupting social mores: the wrong move, like chewing with your mouth closed or discussing the copy of Microsoft2000 you recently *purchased*, will usually unleash their more odious and odoriferous performances. Lures and calls that include useless trivia and offers of a floor to sleep on work with most.
The elder of the species has spent so much time with Doom, X-Men, and .html that higher-thinking faculties deteriorated. Simply offer a freshly charged Palm Pilot. For more difficult cases ask "Wanna see my DSL?" Avoid the younger of the species, known as web-monkeys; they will only steal your code, break your espresso machine, and run up the phone bill.
-Selection Tips-
Grade A quality Dumb Stick are well rounded, a bit shy and seasoned enough that they can be cooked so as to produce their own tasty au jus accompaniment.
The one you select should be devoid of excessive drink and speech . Should the one you are considering consume massive quantities of any liquid, it should be abandoned immediately. It will only leak later anyway.
If you are really interested in a particular variety, then you should appraise it further. We advise that you avoid conversation during this process. Always bring duct tape. We strongly recommend, however, that, eventually, your best bet is to invest in an array of implements appropriate for the masochistic theater of courtly love; it is more entertaining that way.
Any Dumb Stick that appears simultaneously entertaining, interesting, and capable of intelligent conversation is malevolent. Use at your own risk.
A Dumb Stick who sees their reflection in the mirror will often forget the limits of their bank account.
Dumb Sticks like to play hunting games. Bring chef's scissors. This will likely scare off some, but others will persist. Follow the ones that have been scared off; they like to be flattered.
If Dumb topics come up, ignore or ridicule them. After all, this is about you, not them. Some might catch on to this. Therefore, be wary of those who cater to your interests exclusively: they are generally toxic. Some will even go so far as to pretend that they are not interested in Dumb things. While they are generally lying, take them at their word, for this is all to be expected. Your best bet is to experiment with the particular perversions that match your own.
If a Dumb Stick appears to be hanging on, determine, by whatever means necessary, the last book that they've read. A literate Dumb Stick is always an advantage, since it should be expected that they will read to you. If they only like Blockbuster Hollywood movies, forget it.
Dumb Sticks travel in groups and, as such, they will always try to perform.
If you are interested in Wagnerian performances, then hang out and observe for awhile. Such performances, however, tend to lack quality. Nice to watch, but when alone for preparation or meal they are painfully insipid.
-Appraising Further-
Consider the following questions or topics:
If their favourite show is X-files or King of the Hill, this may indicate possibilities.
With regard to the last book they have read, find out the protagonist's name and then move on.
If they like to watch hockey, baseball, soccer, football or basketball, this should present no problems. They can be delightful, but you know your desires best.
If they like to watch wrestling, then proceed with caution. Test further by asking them to describe their favourite wrestler.
When talking about the previous weekend, if you learn it was exciting, move on immediately. Dumb Sticks that have fun all the time are boring.
Ask questions about their favourite food if you have not already determined that they dine almost exclusively on seafood:
If it is meat and potatoes, then this might indicate a narcissistic personality. If they are vegetarians, this often indicates an extreme sadism. If they prefer finger foods, this likely means they are shy but self-involved. If they frequently eat soup, this sometimes indicates mild paranoia.
If the Dumb Stick actually entertains all of these questions, or mirrors them back to you, then the Dumb Stick is hopeless. Anyone who would actually tolerate such triviality without moving on to something more interesting is obviously not worth the effort.
0] Carolyn suggested: Women Gather the Dumb Stick: Identifying Specimens, Distinguishing Characteristics, Testing Procedures, and Methodological Guidelines. Notes from the bush.
i just incorporated it a little differently since it's supposed to be a cookbook entry.