"Smoking Snit" Conspiracy Theory Announced

[kelley]

i don't know where this came from--i guess it was posted on DC-stuff and i 
still haven't got the post from the list yet....  thought y'all would get a 
laugh though.


-------fwd-------
From: GriffJon <camfield at austin.rr.com>
 >What can ya, say, you're now a dc-stuff Celeb, worthy of a well-done 
sarcastic news parody!


Politicians blame it all on Snit

The Associated Press

TALLAHASSEE (November 10, 2000 9:36 a.m. EST http://www.wackotimes.com)
- Walking cadaver and Gore vote count supervisor Warren Christopher
squarely paced all the blame for the Florida election snafu on an
underground local political agitator known only as Snit.

In a press release this morning, Christopher claimed that Snit was
squarely behind every known instance of voting peculiarities across the
entire State of Florida. He alleged that her actions were motivated by
some unusual third wave feminist theories in a bizarre attempt to
influence the Papal election campaign of one "Woodchuck".

Governor Jeb Bush disavowed any knowledge of Snit's activities and
denied the payments of any traceable PAC funds to her. When asked how
she eluded authorities and managed to disrupt the voting process in
almost every major county across the State, Jeb declared, "It's a Smokey
and the Bandit thing. That was mine and jaydub's favorite movie when we
were kids. She's had truckers covering for her on CB to keep the State
troopers from catching her Camaro as she rocketed across the State on
election night."

Warren Christopher came out of his trance and said, "This Snit is a
hacker, so obviously she wears black to avoid detection in her nocturnal
prowling. I prefer to think of her in a tight leather Catwoman suit with
a whip striking a blow for justice to the backside of every politician
who's been bad." As the microphone was wrestled away, he was heard to
mutter, "Whip me, bite me, spank me, make me destroy votes."

The Gore camp is calling for a new vote in only the State of Florida and
says that just to make things fair, they'll give each candidate a new
name and a fresh look for the voters. Henceforth, Al Gore will now be
known as Al Bore and George Bush will now be known as George Gush. Gore
campaign strategist William Daley stated, "A Bore/Gush revote will
clarify the the thought processes of Floridians so they can become
comprehensible to the rest of the world."

Janet Reno claimed that Snit was responsible for the following acts of
agitprop that subverted the normal political processes of Florida
voting. "First, she rented a plane and dropped some Cuban kid named
Elian something into the Gulf Stream and created a Democratic backlash
by seceretly manipulating the news media into thinking it was all my
fault that the kid got sent back to Cuba. That really hurt us with those
damned Cuban immigrants who seem to forget who let them into this
country in the first place."

"Next, this Snit person snuck into the Palm Beach County election
offices and used a powerful laser to punch double presidential votes in
a stack of 19,000 ballots. Then, she whizzed over to Volusia County and
swiped 15,000 ballots that were counted once, but disappeared in the
middle of the night. Luckily, all those missing votes were for third
party candidates. Afterwards, she used her rocket-powered Camaro to slip
down to Broward County were she disguised herself as a cleaning lady and
hauled away an unknown number of ballots. She duped police ino thinking
an election worker was behind this stunt by allowing the county employee
to get caught with two bags of trash and a single blank ballot at 3:00
AM while she slipped away under cover of darkness."

Reno concluded her remarks with the comment, "If I'm sure of anything,
it's this - where there's smoke, there's Snit. She's probably behind
this Waco thing, too. If I ever get my hands on that little Snit, she'll
wish she hadn't messed with me..."

She was interrupted by William Daley stepping to the microphone and
offering Snit a seven figure signing bonus to slip into bed with the DNC
for the Bore/Gush re-vote scheduled to take place on November 23rd.
Daley was quoted in closing, "Why, with Snit's help, we could get any
turkey elected."

Snit was unavailable for comment, but was rumored to be laughing all the
way to the bank...