-------fwd------- From: GriffJon <camfield at austin.rr.com>
>What can ya, say, you're now a dc-stuff Celeb, worthy of a well-done sarcastic news parody!
Politicians blame it all on Snit
The Associated Press
TALLAHASSEE (November 10, 2000 9:36 a.m. EST http://www.wackotimes.com) - Walking cadaver and Gore vote count supervisor Warren Christopher squarely paced all the blame for the Florida election snafu on an underground local political agitator known only as Snit.
In a press release this morning, Christopher claimed that Snit was squarely behind every known instance of voting peculiarities across the entire State of Florida. He alleged that her actions were motivated by some unusual third wave feminist theories in a bizarre attempt to influence the Papal election campaign of one "Woodchuck".
Governor Jeb Bush disavowed any knowledge of Snit's activities and denied the payments of any traceable PAC funds to her. When asked how she eluded authorities and managed to disrupt the voting process in almost every major county across the State, Jeb declared, "It's a Smokey and the Bandit thing. That was mine and jaydub's favorite movie when we were kids. She's had truckers covering for her on CB to keep the State troopers from catching her Camaro as she rocketed across the State on election night."
Warren Christopher came out of his trance and said, "This Snit is a hacker, so obviously she wears black to avoid detection in her nocturnal prowling. I prefer to think of her in a tight leather Catwoman suit with a whip striking a blow for justice to the backside of every politician who's been bad." As the microphone was wrestled away, he was heard to mutter, "Whip me, bite me, spank me, make me destroy votes."
The Gore camp is calling for a new vote in only the State of Florida and says that just to make things fair, they'll give each candidate a new name and a fresh look for the voters. Henceforth, Al Gore will now be known as Al Bore and George Bush will now be known as George Gush. Gore campaign strategist William Daley stated, "A Bore/Gush revote will clarify the the thought processes of Floridians so they can become comprehensible to the rest of the world."
Janet Reno claimed that Snit was responsible for the following acts of agitprop that subverted the normal political processes of Florida voting. "First, she rented a plane and dropped some Cuban kid named Elian something into the Gulf Stream and created a Democratic backlash by seceretly manipulating the news media into thinking it was all my fault that the kid got sent back to Cuba. That really hurt us with those damned Cuban immigrants who seem to forget who let them into this country in the first place."
"Next, this Snit person snuck into the Palm Beach County election offices and used a powerful laser to punch double presidential votes in a stack of 19,000 ballots. Then, she whizzed over to Volusia County and swiped 15,000 ballots that were counted once, but disappeared in the middle of the night. Luckily, all those missing votes were for third party candidates. Afterwards, she used her rocket-powered Camaro to slip down to Broward County were she disguised herself as a cleaning lady and hauled away an unknown number of ballots. She duped police ino thinking an election worker was behind this stunt by allowing the county employee to get caught with two bags of trash and a single blank ballot at 3:00 AM while she slipped away under cover of darkness."
Reno concluded her remarks with the comment, "If I'm sure of anything, it's this - where there's smoke, there's Snit. She's probably behind this Waco thing, too. If I ever get my hands on that little Snit, she'll wish she hadn't messed with me..."
She was interrupted by William Daley stepping to the microphone and offering Snit a seven figure signing bonus to slip into bed with the DNC for the Bore/Gush re-vote scheduled to take place on November 23rd. Daley was quoted in closing, "Why, with Snit's help, we could get any turkey elected."
Snit was unavailable for comment, but was rumored to be laughing all the way to the bank...