>
>Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate
>between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush.
>
>The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a
>question. The candidate will ignore the question and
>deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided
>women voters.
>
>The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying
>to frighten senior citizens into voting for him.
>
>When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly
>while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for
>three more minutes.
>
>Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you
>give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us
>his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common
>sense?
>
>Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we
>tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30
>years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a
>clear choice in this election.
>
>My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of
>Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1
>percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old
>people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
>
>Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs,
>one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these
>debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle
>has arthritis.
>
>Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
>
>Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging
>people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a
>photo opportunity exists.
>
>I want to empower those crying people to make their own
>decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara
>Bush.
>
>Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if
>Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power
>in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
>
>
>Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal
>with that guy and didn't get it done.
>
>If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy
>is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick
>would present me several options for dealing with that
>guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose.
>
>You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough
>foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to
>deal with New Mexico.
>
>Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
>
>Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly
>interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an
>uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I
>myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when
>that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to
>Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find
>romantic.
>
>If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to
>deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by
>putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American
>people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple
>metaphors.
>
>Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the
>Social Security system?
>
>Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman
>and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to
>allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without
>having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until
>the year 2250.
>
>In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next
>10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have
>drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a
>federal employee who will also help them with the child-
>proof cap.
>
>Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
>
>Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of
>Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the
>numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out
>on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to re-roof the
>sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
>
>Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
>
>Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting
>politician, but I will fight for the working families of
>America, in addition to turning the White House into a
>lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
>
>Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past
>by electing no one but Republicans.
>
>Lehrer: Good night.
>
>
>