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<b>ALTOONA, PA--</b>During a campaign stop at an Altoona paper mill Monday,
<br>presidential contender Al Gore launched into an unexpected 40-minute
<br>against the "not-so-great state of Pennsylvania," calling it "the nation's
<br>armpit" and "a total hellhole."
<p> "Over the past few days, I have traveled
all over your state and met
<br>many of you. And what has impressed me most is that no matter where
<br>gone, my reaction has been the same: 'Oh, God, get me the fuck out
<br>dump,'" said Gore, who alternately referred to the Keystone State's
<br>million residents as "animals" and "ghouls." "From Pittsburgh to
<br>Philadelphia, from Erie to Easton, the places and faces of Pennsylvania
<br>stand in direct opposition to everything that makes America great."
<p> Gore went on to tell the assembled mill
workers that he "couldn't care
<br>less" if he loses Pennsylvania's 23 electoral votes, so long as he
<br>[has] to set foot in this steaming dungheap again."
<p> Raising his voice and pointing at the
crowd, Gore continued: "During
<br>this presidential campaign, I have had the opportunity to criss-cross
<br>great land. At each stop along the way, I have been deeply touched
<br>courage and conviction of the American people. But, holy crap, you
<br>are craven, gutless cowards. I haven't the slightest clue what base
<br>hideous interests of yours I could possibly defend as your next president.
<br>do not even vaguely know what drives you subhuman pig-men, but I am
<br>don't want to know."
<p> Later in the day, Gore made an appearance
at the Johnstown Agriculture
<br>Fair, at which he served as judge in the Sorghum Queen pageant. The
<br>president was overheard making numerous inflammatory comments off-
<br>microphone, including, "Get these bitches out of here" and, "This is
<br>someone's idea of an attractive woman?" One contestant, attempting
<br>present Gore with a bushel of Pennsylvania apples, was reportedly waved
<br>aside with the words, "No. No fucking way."
<p> Gore concluded his day on the steps of
the State Capitol in
<br>Harrisburg, where he lowered the Pennsylvania flag, shredded it with
<br>hunting knife, and urinated on the shreds. He then delivered a speech
<br>which he shared the tales of numerous Pennsylvanians he had encountered
<br>during his travels through the state.
<p> "Of all the stories I have heard on this trip,
none has touched me more
<br>deeply than that of Karen Swendeman of New Castle," Gore said. "At
<br>age of 18, Karen married her high-school sweetheart Jeff. Not long
<br>she gave birth to twins. But less than a year later, her joy turned
<br>deepest grief when Jeff was killed in a foundry accident. As young
<br>looked into my eyes and whined, 'Oh, Mr. Gore, I can't afford this,
<br>afford that,' I felt my very gorge rising up the back of my throat.
<br>why do Pennsylvania's stupid broads go and get knocked up like that?"
<p> Continued Gore: "I also recall Herman
Eisler of Shippensburg, who
<br>fought bravely in the Second World War and raised a family in a house
<br>built himself. When the Social Security Administration failed Herman--
<br>because, I don't know, he needed some pills or something and couldn't
<br>them--he turned into a bitter, pathetic shell of a man that no one
<br>stand to be around. What a loser."
<p> "And, finally, I recall Philadelphia's
Martin Shaughnessy, who, at the
<br>ripe old age of 98, has been Independence Hall's caretaker for the
<br>years--the longest anyone has held the auspicious post," Gore said.
<br>between you and me, that old crank will talk for 10 hours straight
<br>let him and not say anything that makes any sense whatsoever. That
<p> Added Gore, "And what's the big deal
with the cheesesteak sandwiches?
<br>They taste like shit. I wouldn't feed them to the dogs they're probably
<p> Turning to sneer derisively at members
of the Monongahela Drum & Bugle
<br>Corps, whose 225 members stood nearby on the steps of the capitol,
<br>wrapped up the verbal assault.
<p> "Every second I spend in this dark and
evil state is sheer agony," he
<br>said. "A second feels like a week in the presence of you monstrous
<br>people. I would have left Pennsylvania long ago, but I wanted every
<br>of you grubby, ass-faced animals to realize exactly where you stand
<br>food chain. You are not a part of that chain. You exist outside of
<br>community, and when I am in the White House, I will make sure that
<br>nation--indeed, the world--understands that fact with no ambiguity.
<br>not represent you. I will not defend you. I will allow and even invite
<br>nation to invade and destroy this horrible graveyard of the soul. To
<br>with all of you, and good riddance."
<p>Now that Pat Buchanan has picked a Black lady as his running mate, it
should be remembered that Mr.Pat is somewhat more liberal than the late
Bob Casey Governor of Pennsylvania.