<html> Making the rounds, in Oz... > NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE > > To the citizens of the United States of America, > > In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to > govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your > independence, effective today. > > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties > over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which > she does not fancy. > > Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you > who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your > borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further > elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will > be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. > > To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following > rules are introduced with immediate effect: > > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then > look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at > just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise > your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same > twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you > know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up > "interspersed". > > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on > your behalf. > > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It > really isn't that hard. > > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the > good guys. > > 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", > but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get > confused and give up half way through. > > 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of > football. What you refer to as American "football" is > not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world > outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" > football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead > play proper football. Initially, it > would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those > of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is > similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest > every twenty seconds or wearing full > Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a > US rugby sevens side by 2005. > > 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if > they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there > is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The > Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t". > > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new > national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". > > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your > own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. > > 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. > > </html>