> Published on Saturday, April 7, 2001 in the Toronto Star
> For George W, Where There's a Will,
> There's a War
> by Slinger
>
> DOES ANYBODY else have the feeling that we're at war? I mean the United
> States, along with its client states, foremost among them, us?
>
> It's always been a dependable strategy. When the economy gets ropy, start
a
> war; it takes the folks' minds off lousy pay, lousy prospects, lousy
credit,
> and there not being any dough left under the mattress.
>
> If anybody else has the feeling that some very foul-tempered ghosts are
> storming around, knocking over the furniture and making the dog howl, then
> they probably have the same question I do. Who exactly are we at war with?
>
> The way George W. Bush is running things, the answer appears to be - and
it
> is enough to make your lungs break out in a rash - nobody knows. And
George
> doesn't care. It doesn't matter to him. The thing is, he wants a war and
> he's damn-well going to have one, even if there's nobody on the other
side.
>
> This isn't so much a geopolitical strategy, or a return to those warm,
> sunsplashed days of the Cold War, or to the 1930s, or pre-1914, or even
the
> 1800s. This is medieval. Crusaders massing, swords unsheathed, and with
the
> cross of Jesus going on before.
>
> George takes it all in jovial stride. Back when these new Middle Ages were
> dawning, Ronald Reagan was in the White House, and he seemed - it was a
> little bit nervous-making - somewhat out of touch. He had delegated
> authority for everything but eating; delegated it to some really scary
> people.
>
> George W., a similar, (apparently) amiable, ``disengaged'' bonehead, is
> doing the same thing, and the enemies of peace who are his principal
> operatives are having a picnic, only with grizzlies instead of teddy
bears.
> If you go into the woods today, you'd better not go unarmed.
>
> The other day, Bush made a joke about his skills with the language, and
> about having once said this: ``When I was coming up'' - that's Texan for
> ``growing up'' - ``it was a dangerous world and we knew exactly who the
they
> were. It was us versus them. And it was clear who the them was. Today,
we're
> not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there.''
>
> What's dangerous for us, though, is that when he originally said that, he
> meant it. However the hell it parses, he was serious. And he is poking
> America's big stick into every hornets' nest he can find: North Korea,
> Russia, China. Divide and conquer? Not George's gang. Get 'em to circle
> their wagons and show 'em who's boss.
>
> Two of the most hawkish people in the galaxy, Colin Powell, his secretary
of
> state, and Condoleeza Rice, his national security adviser, are being
elbowed
> aside because they're not hawkish enough for Donald Rumsfeld, the defence
> secretary, and Dick Cheney, the vice-president and honorary chief
executive
> officer of the new military-industrial complex, which, as complexes go,
will
> make the old one seem like an adolescent neurosis.
>
> Any of you who remember Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove will recall
George
> C. Scott's character, Buck Turgidson, the sex-crazed general who was
forever
> invoking God's name and calling for silence in the war room so he could
> lead - ``Listen up, now'' - those assembled in prayer. What a splendid
joke!
> Except, of course, the joke lives and is running the show in Washington
> today; Kubrick wasn't simply prescient, he was a prophet. For those of you
> who are too young, and if my memory serves, the movie was subtitled How I
> Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb.
>
> The U.S. wasn't the only, or even a particularly considerable, power when
> the halls of Montezuma and the shores of Tripoli found themselves up to
> their yingyangs in marines. Now there's aircraft-carrier diplomacy and
Star
> Wars anti-missile-missile-rattling - give back our spy plane, China, or
> else. Memo to CNN: ``You furnish the pictures, I will furnish the war.''
> It's as American as apple pie and sending exploding cigars to Fidel.
>
> If it seems to have the diplomatic delicacy of a hand grenade down the
front
> of the opposition's trousers - whoever the opposition is, but George knows
> it's there - it was explained by a Washington observer who said of the
> Bushies, ``These guys are linear thinkers.''
>
> If you're not exactly clear what linear thinking means, here's how it has
> worked from the very start: See Og. Og have mastodon haunch. Hit Og over
> head with rock. Now me have mastodon haunch.
> Slinger's column usually appears Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
>
> Copyright 1996-2001. Toronto Star Newspapers Limited