MY MOM'S A GAY ACTIVIST; WHAT DOES YOURS DO?
Sometimes our passions get passed on to our children... and both parent and child benefit in the process.
By Deborah S. Rogers Texas Triangle, February 16, 2001, Vol. IX, Issue 19
"Sorry, but your lifestyle goes against the very fabric of what we believe."
I will never forget the day I heard those words from my step-brother. After twelve years of marriage, I came barreling out of the closet for the second and final time in my life. Most of the family, including Mom and my best friend and soon-to-be ex-husband, were very supportive. My teenaged step-children were proud of me. And my two small children could sense that their mom was much more relaxed and confident these days. But the words my step-brother spoke cut like a knife.
What was this "lifestyle" he spoke of? I am a single working professional and mother of two with a house in the 'burbs, a mortgage, pets, car and high light bills. I have concerns about taxes, what my kids watch on television and their future education. I try to teach my son to use manners, try to keep my daughter's skirt at a modest length, and worry incessantly that they aren't eating right. Our family eats together six out of seven nights of the week, I review the kids' homework, and we have family projects that we do together.
Where oh where is this "lifestyle" that is so horrible?
Not long after my step-brother's comment, a different family acquaintance did something very surprising. They took my five and six year old aside and said, "Your momma's a queer. So there." Not knowing what this person was talking about, my kids dutifully asked me, "Mom, what is a "queez" and why are you one?"
That is the day my children learned about intolerance and hate in a way that they had never perceived before. That is the day when my children learned that love takes all shapes and forms. And that is the day when their mother made the commitment to do whatever it took to affect a positive change on how the GLTB community is treated and perceived. That is the day their mother became an activist for equality, understanding and equal rights.
I and the children's father have always been in agreement over one thing: these kids are not going to be taught how to hate in their home, by their parents or by an example they will want to imitate. Rather, they are going to be taught how to accept people and identify hatred and intolerance for what it is: ignorance. I know this education is possible, because my step-children, now 18 and 20, are individuals who do not discriminate based on race, religion, gender identity, orientation or nationality. They challenge those who do discriminate, and they accept no less from their friends. Both are rather adamant in their stance, and for this, I can count these two young people as personal heroes. It is the one thing that their father and I are most proud of.
So, around our house, you'll see rainbow colors flying unashamedly in the windows. Barbie wears a rainbow skirt, and GI Joe happens to have a gay brother (Ken, of course) who hopes to join the Navy someday. The kids are comfortable that their mom is a lesbian, because it has nothing to do with her love for them or vice versa, and they really believe that real love means never having to say, "don't ask, don't tell anyone." Sometimes it seems mom has to jaunt off for a meeting all too often, but we all agree as a family that it's all for a good cause because, to quote my son,"No one should have to feel like love is a bad thing."
Equally important, each child is secure in his and her own identity.
My GLTB activism and orientation has not affected my son's tendency to develop crushes on the slightly older girls in second grade, and it hasn't affected my daughter's endless puppy love for the Backstreet Boys. It has led to some humorous moments, though. When the elementary school decided to have a school-wide election during the presidential race as a way to promote good citizenship and the responsibility of voting, my daughter cast the lone vote in her kindergarten class for candidate Gore. Not one to be misunderstood or drowned out by the majority, she defiantly stood up in her class and announced, "Don't vote for Bush; he's not as gay friendly!"
Ahem. Well, yes, there were some funny looks from a few at the next PTA meeting, but both of my children's teachers absolutely raved about the kids' fairness and wanting to help their fellow classmates.
And when my son went to his first sleepover and the host's mother saw my rainbow pets license frame, she commented that her brother had recently come out to the family and asked if our family might want to join her family in watching the Pride Parade this year!
This is not to say that my children don't pay a price for my activism. I used to have a rainbow "VOTE" sticker on the back of my car. During the controversy after the election, however, I found the bumper sticker did not sit too well with my neighbors on the conservative Republican west side of Harris County. While stopping at a traffic light one day, my daughter asked, "Mom, why is that lady screaming and showing the ugly finger?" Sure enough, there was a woman in a Suburban screaming hateful epithets and flipping us off ... not only in front of my kids, but in front of her kids, as well. So much for family values! Rather than risk the safety of my children, I decided to remove the sticker temporarily.
And now, as Houston is about to face a rather heated battle for the next few months over GLTB rights for city employees, I know that my children will be exposed to some very hateful and hurtful things in the media and in their community. Our family dinner conversation is a bit different from other households, as we discuss together what it means to find compassion for others and let the hate roll off our backs. My kids will quite possibly hear some bizarre tales about what homosexuals allegedly do, and I, as their mother, must prepare to answer their questions truthfully and without a hint of shame. I have to teach them how to respond to the taunts and jeers of their peers when and if it occurs, and I have to make sure they remember how to carry their heads high and with dignity. If ever the concept of "family" was important, it is certainly in a time such as this.
I dunno. I am sure there are those who find our version of family values to be an abomination and quite possibly the very blade that cuts through my step-brother's fabric of beliefs. But the values of love, respect and fairness towards all are the values that my parents passed to me. I think those values will serve my children just as well, too. Through practicing those beliefs, we become each other's heroes.