Microsoft Legal Team Makes Earth Move
SEATTLE, Washington. Dissociated Press. (www.fsckednooz.com) February 28, 2001 11:666 a.m. PST. --Home to the new economy pioneers like Amazon.com (stock: AMZN), Seattle rocked this morning, the final day of the shortest month of the year, all as part of a show of solidarity on the part of the Microsoft (stock: MSFT) legal team. The team set all their cell phones on vibrate and then had their golf and tennis pros call them at the same time.
The event was recorded by The Tsunami Warning Center which reported that the Attorney driven "earthquake" occurred at 10:44 PST, with an estimated magnitude of 6.2. The U.S. Geological Survey has revised the reading to 7.0 and has estimated that the epicenter was 35 miles south of Seattle.
It's been a long, hard road for Microsoft's Legal Eagles, locked in a bitter, two-year long antitrust battle with the U.S. government. The legal team is contesting a June 7 order by U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson to split the company in two. Jackson agreed with the government and ruled that Microsoft had violated federal antitrust laws by abusing its operating system monopoly to extend its dominance to the Internet. Jackson also imposed sweeping behavior restrictions on Microsoft, but put the breakup and behavior conditions on hold while the company appeals.
Microsoft's attorneys are fighting the ruling this week, arguing that the defense team will need months of new discovery, depositions and witness testimony.
But for all their hard work, the legal team is miffed that Microsoft employees regularly distribute lawyer jokes throughout the Microsoft Network. It's gotten worse lately as a rash of e-mail messages containing an email attachment entitled, LawyerJokes.doc circulated the Microsoft network. Some employees say that they received dozens a day.
Ima Stewp, a long time member of Microsoft's technical support staff, said that she opened her attachment right away. "How could I resist!? When an e-mail is labeled "HA! HA! Funny!" then it's just got to be funny. It says so right in the subject line. I work hard all day putting customers on hold for two hours. I need a laugh once in awhile."
The Microsoft legal team's spokesmen, Dewy Cheatham, said in a phone interview from a bunker outside of Seattle: "Look, everyone talks about being on the Microsoft team. We're part of that team, too, damn it. But, as attorneys, we just don't get no respect. If Amazon employees can do it, we can do it. It's Us v. Them."
Cheatham said that the show of solidarity was the opening salvo in their battle against anti-attorney bigotry which has escalated at an alarming rate over the past two decades. "Microsoft is simply indicative of a general climate of ignorance about lawyers. The stereotypes and prejudices are unbearable. The lawyer joke email is just the tip of the iceberg."
"People need us. And yet, we are shunned, we're made fun of, and people think we're not much more reputable than used car salesmen. It's intolerable. We're going to bring this town to its knees. First Seattle, then the World" said one Microsoft attorney who declined to be named because he's tired of being the butt of bad jokes. "If I read or hear one more bad lawyer joke, I'm going to go postal," said another as he the ammo clip for his H&K SG-1.
Microsoft spokesmen said that there are really only a few anti-lawyer bigots on the Microsoft campus. Charges that the software giant is systematically promoting an environment that encourages such harassment are bogus, they said. The deluge of email containing an attached Microsoft Word document of lawyer jokes was the work of one individual. It only appears as if there are many passing along the e-mail because the offensive e-mail is a virus.
According to Microsoft's virus brouhaha spinmeister, the virus reproduces by sending the same message and attachment to all the addresses contained in an infected user's address book. The virus only works with Microsoft email software, Outlook and Outlook Express.
Asked if using a different program such as Eudora or Pegasus would eliminate the torrent of offensive jokes, Microsoft officials said, "Of course! Other email programs are not designed to enable virus replication.[1] Virus replication is a feature, and it shouldn't be made into a political issue like anti-attorney bigotry."
[1] This is true, Microsoft's website really does call it a "virus replication" "feature"
http://www.microsoft.com/mac/products/office/2001/virus_alert.asp
Q: Will the virus impact my Macintosh if I am using a non-Microsoft
e-mail program, such as Eudora?
A: If you are using a Macintosh e-mail program that is not from
Microsoft, we recommend checking with that particular company. But
most likely other e-mail programs like Eudora are not designed to
enable virus replication.