Smartmarriages© wrote:
> subject: Understanding Your Wife - Rabbi Dov Heller, 5/01
>
> from: Smart Marriages
>
> Two must-reads! A cover story on Steven Stosny's
> Compassion Workshops for treating domestic violence is
> in the current issue of the Washington DC, City Paper.
> Makes clear why you should take the two-day training
> at the Smart Marriages conference. To read
> go to http://www.smartmarriages.com and click on the link
> for Domestic Violence (it's in bottom right corner of
> the page.) Do not miss this article. - diane
> --------
>
> The second article I highly recommend is from
> Azriela Jaffe's e-newsletter,
> "The Entrepreneurial Couples Success Letter". It's free.
> To subscribe, send mail to
> azriela at mindspring.com with the following command in the body of your email
> : subscribe entcouples-list
>
> Read it all the way to the end! Great piece - diane
>
> ********************************
> ***RABBINICAL ADVICE FOR MARRIAGE APPLIES TO ALL FAITHS***
>
> I'm learning from many different ezines how to apply Jewish wisdom to my
> daily life. A favorite website is aish.com and this article struck me as
> relevant to any ECS'er, regardless of your faith. Read on and tell me if
> you agree! - Azriela Jaffe
>
> by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
>
> Guys, understanding your wife is essential for a great marriage.
>
> Most men find it very challenging to attain real intimacy in marriage. I'd
> like to explain why.
>
> But first, a few caveats. This article is intended for men. Of course women
> are welcome to read it -- but don't say I didn't warn you. Sexuality for
> men is an entirely different ballgame.
>
> Second caveat: The point of this article is to help you build the marriage
> bond and be a better husband. I am not discussing physical intimacy as an
> end unto itself.
>
> The great philosopher, rabbi and Torah commentator Nachmanides, wrote a
> letter to his son, back in the 12th century, describing in much detail the
> fine points of making love. Here is an excerpt:
>
> "Therefore you should begin with words that will draw her heart to you and
> will settle her mind and will make her happy; to unite your mind with her
> mind and your intention with her intention. It is fitting to win her heart
> with words of charm and seduction and other proper things."
>
> Nachmanides explains that sexual intimacy is not a physical thing, it's a
> mind thing. And that's not what comes most naturally for most men. The
> rabbi also advocates "words of charm" -- in other words, talking. (Another
> thing which does not come so naturally to many guys.)
>
> THE GREAT DIVIDE
>
> The reason why Nachmanides suggests this approach is precisely because men
> and women are fundamentally different.
>
> One difference is reflected in their sexual physiology. I call this a
> generic difference as opposed to a personal difference. Men are built
> outwardly and women are built inwardly.
> Inwardness is about relationships, values, meaning, morality, and intuition.
>
> Inwardness is about relationships, values, meaning, morality, and
> intuition. Outwardness is about achievement, success, power, and action.
> These generic differences result in men and women having different generic
> needs.
>
> Therefore, a woman's basic generic need is for love, while a man's basic
> need is for respect.
>
> Let's delve into this more...
>
> NEED FOR LOVE
>
> Women need love like a fish needs water. A woman who doesn't feel loved by
> her husband feels as if she's hated.
>
> In describing Jacob's love for his wives, Rachel and Leah, the Torah says,
> "Jacob loved Rachel more than he loved Leah" (Genesis 29:30). This clearly
> implies that Jacob did love Leah, only not as much as Rachel.
>
> But the Torah then says, "And when God saw that Leah was hated, He opened
> her womb." Where does it imply that Jacob hated Leah? "God saw that Leah
> was hated." Rabbi Noah Weinberg suggests that from Jacob's point of view he
> did love Leah, but he didn't work hard enough to make her feel loved.
>
> When a man does not make his wife feel loved, she feels hated. There is no
> gray area for a woman in how she feels about her relationship with her
> husband.
>
> One of the ways that a man makes a woman feel loved is to talk to her, and
> to give her time and attention.
>
> Because of the woman's need for attention, Nachmanides tells us that the
> key to physical intimacy is that a man must talk to his wife so that she
> feels loved by him. When a man talks to his wife and connects with her
> emotionally, she feels relaxed. Above all, she feels connected to her
> husband in a way that allows her to feel safe to express her sexuality.
>
> BOYS AND GIRLS
>
> This can be difficult for us guys since we are not wired to communicate
> that way.
>
> A well-known psychologist did a number of experiments with young boys and
> girls to see if there was any difference in their communication styles. She
> took a group of 5-year-old girls and put them in a room. What did they do?
> They formed their chairs into a circle, facing each other -- and started
> talking to each other.
>
> Then she put a group of 5-year-old "future husbands" in the same room. What
> do you think these guys did? One boy positioned himself in a corner, two
> others were fighting with their chairs, and two others were "hanging out"
> mumbling at each other, their eyes every place but looking at each other.
> The girls made eye contact when they talked; the boys never made eye
> contact, except by accident.
>
> The girls made immediate eye contact when they talked; the boys never made
> eye contact, except by accident. So the next time your wife says, "Will you
> please look at me when you talk to me," perhaps you'll understand a little
> better what's going on.
>
> So talk to your wife. About anything.
>
> And start first thing in the morning.
>
> A woman who feels loved in the morning is in a loving mood at night. Men
> generally don't understand this. A man can run out of the house in a huff
> without saying goodbye, ignore his wife all day, never even bother to call,
> and come home at night expecting romance! My dear friend, it just doesn't
> work that way. You know it and I know it.
>
> PRACTICAL APPLICATION
>
> You may argue: "But all this talking doesn't come natural for me."
>
> That's no excuse.
>
> Judaism says it is a moral obligation for the man to take responsibility to
> make sure his wife is both emotionally and sexually satisfied. In fact,
> this is a Biblical command. So guys, let's get working. You'll build the
> marriage bond and be a better husband.
>
> 1. Make sure to call your wife at least once a day just to tell her
> you love her. No business mixed in. You must stay in touch with her and let
> her know that she's the most special and important part of your life.
> 2. Try leaving her little notes once in a while, such as in her
> [empty!] coffee cup or taped to her steering wheel. You don't have to say a
> lot, just a little something, like: "You're the best and I'm always
> thinking of you."
> 3. Make sure you give your wife at least two nice compliments before
> you turn in for the night. Never stop pointing out what you like and
> respect about her.
> 4. At least once every two months, get away with your spouse for a
> one-night rendezvous - away from the kids, phones, and the noise of
> living.
>
> If you make the effort, I guarantee you'll see the difference in your
> marriage. Your wife will be happy, you'll be happy, and you'll feel like a
> hero.
>
> ----