> "physical (Droll Troll)" wrote:
>
> > .
> >
> > So, I'm sitting here stymied--nuthin's goin right, the wife's
pissed,
> > and all I want is some bubblegum for my eyes. But, being half catholic
> > and half jewish (but still pissed about my circumcision), I don't
> > indulge, and watch Channel 13 (PBS) instead. Guess who's on? Goddammed
> > Gary Null. Talk about bubblegum… For some reason, during their fund
> > drives, WNET sees fit to have Gary on, for, well, I don't really know.
> > But Clinton and Monica come to mind. Speaking of which...
> >
> > After a few minutes of Gary mispronouncing most of the
scientific
> > lexicon, I get nauseous, and channel surf, and guess what I found on HBO
> > in the same time slot? Prostitutes at the Point. And it gets
> > better--they're talking about Hunts Point, one of my favorite stomping
> > grounds, right here in d'Bronx (NYC), and right where one of the machine
> > shops grinds out part of my sophomoric contraption.
> >
> > At any rate, these girls don't pronounce the lexicon too good
> > theyselves, so I go back to Gary Null. Gary (who I think needs some
> > protein or sumpn, cuz his upper body is like starting to disappear)
> > struts and shimmies on stage, in Italian cut fag pants (really no
> > offense intended--simply fashion short-hand), bragging about his 28"
> > waist and 4.8% bodyfat, proclaiming that everyone should be like this,
> > talking all kinds of crap...
> > Stomach churning, I flip back to Prostitutes, and I see the
gerls, also
> > suffering from poor diets, also strutting and shimmying among the cars
> > stopped at red lights, parading around in peculiarly cut clothes,
> > bragging about various parts of their bodies, talking all kinds of
> > crap...
> >
> > So I flip back to Gary, and, mercifully, it's break time, but,
uh oh,
> > Gary's pitching his book now. Oh, it's got this, an it's got dat, it'll
> > do dis, and it'll do dat, an what a big book this is…. But, uh oh,
> > Gary's gotta go, cuz he's needed on the phone. Never, in all of Channel
> > 13's pitching, have I seen a guest whose gotta take personal phone
> > calls...
> > So, I flip back to Prostitutes, and one is being taped in a car:
Oh
> > baby, yeah, I can do it all, an ahma do dis, an ahma do dat, an oooh,
> > it's so big….. but yo, now, don't be playin' me, c'mon, you gotta
> > hurry up, cuz I gotta go, my pimp be waitin...
> >
> > So I flip back to Gary, and I continue to learn so much: Like,
you
> > need this, and that, and NADH, live enzymes, prayer, Gary Null Vitamins,
> > and a new amino acid called Thionine--swear to god. And I learned that
> > all's you need to do to detoxify your mind is to reduce your stress. Or
> > was it, all you have to do to reduce your stress to detoxify your mind.
> > Whatever...
> > So I flip back to Prostitutes, and I'm thinking, Damn, DejaVu?
I'm
> > hearing Oh baby, don't you know you need this, and you need me, and
> > yeah, you too stressed out, sweetheart, so why don't I just blow yo
> > mind?
> >
> > So I flip back to Gary, getting real confused now. I'm hearing
all
> > this money talk. For X amount of dollars you get a book; an a good book
> > too; for Y dollars you'll get a video; for Z dollars you'll get both.
> > Now get this, an I swear to god I'm not lyin: for $1300 (thirteen
> > hundred, dudes), you get membership to Channel 13, and a dinner for two,
> > with... Gary Null. God, gag me with a spoon, quick. Boy, if that
> > doesn't curb an appetite, nothing will.
> > So, now I'm buggin, boy, so I flip back to Prostitutes, and,
Déjà vu
> > again--what's wrong with this remote?? All this money talk again:
> > Yeah, I'll do dat fuh X dollars, an I do it good, too. One girl don't
> > do nuthin for less than fi'ty (second "f" is indeed silent) bucks (blow
> > job); for 80, you get to go 'round the werld, and for a hundred, both.
> > But in the fee schedule for the next girl, you get to go 'round the
> > werld for…. TEN dolla. Dats whutI'mtalkinbout! For thirteen hundred
> > bucks, I could probably buy the whole of Hunts Point.
> >
> > So now, after that lesson in economics, I'm thinkin bout
vitamins. I
> > could buy Gary Null's AM and PM vitamins, and have nothing left for the
> > gerls. Or I could go to Waldbaums, get the store brand, and have 'nuff
> > left over for a gerl AND and a pizza! Oh, but what about the quality?
> >
> > So I flip back to Gary, totally confused now. I don't know what
I'm
> > watching! So I figger, what the hell-- the wife is pissed at me, plus
> > she's got the car, so's I can't go to Hunt's point, plus she's got all
> > the neighbors keepin their eyes on me... So let me just lie here and
> > beat my meat. I mean, Gary is jerking himself and the whole of PBS-dom
> > clean off, so why should I be left out of the party?
> >
> > Back to the Prostitutes, we meet dey pimps, who have no college
> > whatsoever, with the taxing job of occasionally following cars, waiting
> > for dey hoe to finish, an whuppin the shit out of her if she took too
> > long, and grabbing the cash. To think I wasted all those years in
> > college!
> > And then I think of Gary on his radio show, hustling for
interns, who
> > for the privilege of Gary's presence and an eventual recommendation, get
> > to do his bidding. Pay? What pay? But at least he's not grabbin their
> > money outta their purses. Funny--Gary didn't go to college either!
> >
> > So, one last time, I flip back to Prostitutes, and I see one
girl who
> > has no front top teeth--for which supposedly she is able to charge
> > extra.
> > Back to Gary again. He draws back his lips--swear to
god--showing a
> > fairly nice set of pearly whites, but again, lying through his pearly
> > whites (I think), that he has nary a cavity. But I spose if indeed Gary
> > does have nary a cavity, he can charge extra, too.
> >
> > I'm not a poetic kind of guy--altho I have been known to
serenade a
> > Hunts Point gerl now and then--but, is there a kind of poetry in the
> > thoroughfare known as 'Hoe Street' in Hunts Point?
> >
> > So, both shows are over now. And, not that I ever had to pay
for it,
> > but I hear that being with a hooker is pretty demeaning for all,
> > creating an emotional vacuum so strong that the soul can implode, a
> > pathos so deep... oh, sorry. But, I wonder if it's not the same
> > feeling I have after I watch Gary Null and his ilk.
> > As opposed to Tony Little and his ab Isolator. I figger this is
more
> > like a burlesque show, and if you're dumb enough to stuff $39.95 in
> > Tony's G string, then you proly don't really need or deserve the
> > money--or abs.
> > --
> > Futilely Espousing God's Word on Pre-Purchase Epiphany,
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Kristofer Hogg, ms rd, Who can't safely boil water, much less cook!
> > More inciteful ravings, but with a plumb, at http://www.holobarre.com
> > HoloBarre Fitness/Stretching Systems, NY physical at erols.com
> > Nice Bodies are, well, nice, but still largely irrelevant.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Futilely Espousing God's Word on Pre-Purchase Epiphany, --------------------------------------------------------------------- Kristofer Hogg, ms rd, Who can't safely boil water, much less cook! More inciteful ravings, but with a plumb, at http://www.holobarre.com
HoloBarre Fitness/Stretching Systems, NY physical at erols.com
Nice Bodies are, well, nice, but still largely irrelevant. ---------------------------------------------------------------------