Their rights are not guaranteed. Politicians do not pander to cats. Politicians do not even pander to cat owners, who are, theoretically at least, able to vote. Politicians have been known to pander to dog owners, because dogs have a presence in public debates. Meetings are called, and people yell at each other, all about dogs and leashes and parks and zones and feces and tiny innocent children and running free like the wind.
There are no meetings about cats. People with a deep and serious interest in the natural world occasionally worry about cats killing songbirds. (I have noticed that the formulation of this complaint always includes the somewhat archaic word "songbird," as though cats preyed only on nightingales and canaries. And no one ever mentions the problem of cockatiels going after innocent little tabbies, although I have known cockatiels that would with gusto take on the entire Taliban.)
But these concerns never reach the level of televised public meetings and hurled bagels. The cat, therefore, has little reason to be interested in questions of government. A cat is free under any governmental system. Everywhere man is in chains, but cats wander around looking for food and slutting after strangers, hoping for a morsel. .
BUT THE PRESS secretary to the president of the United States has told us that we must watch what we say, and many formerly OK criticisms and witticisms are now officially not OK, and even irony itself died for 3.5 weeks until it popped up again. Cats have not been following these matters. Cats watch television, but they enjoy nature shows and boxing. There is no hope that they will become truly attuned to current events, nor that they will ever be truly proud to be Americans. For their safety and ours, we should train them to appear to be patriotic.
The president has urged all of us to report "suspicious behavior" to local law enforcement authorities, and there is very little that a cat does that could not be classified as suspicious. They creep, they hide, they sneak. They run away when confronted, a known sign of guilty knowledge. Cats are loaded with guilty knowledge. . I THINK IT would be best to start with "The Stars and Stripes Forever." It is a noncontroversial yet undeniably patriotic tune, easily recognizable. Before mealtime, instead of calling, "Soup's on!" or "Kibble time!" or "Come on Snowflake come on come on who's the best cat who's the best cat," just put on a stirring rendition of the venerable John Philip Sousa tune. If the cat does not come, withhold food. Try again an hour later. When the cat comes, feed said cat. Repeat this process for several days. (If the neighbors complain about the repetitive playing of this patriotic song, report them to local law enforcement authorities.) Eventually the cat will catch on. Cats care a whole lot about all rituals concerning food. If Sousa is part of the equation, they'll come a-runnin' when the band strikes up.
And picture your cat sitting there as you hold his/her food bowl at your own eye level. The cat will be alert, erect, almost, well, at attention. Think of a whole phalanx of cats standing at attention while "The Stars and Stripes Forever" is being played. Talk about a morale boost! Cats for America! Three meows for freedom!
Tuesday, October 16, 2001
(SF Chronicle)
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