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[Mark Pavlick]

>
>
>  > Subject: Divine Intervention
>>
>>    Subject: After-Sales Service
>>
>>    >God would like to thank you for your belief and
>>    >patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He
>>    >asks that you take a few moments to answer
>>    >the following questions. Please keep in mind that your
>>    >responses will be kept completely confidential, and
>>    >that you need not disclose your name or address unless
>>    >you prefer a direct response to comments or
>>    >suggestions.
>>    >
>>    >1. How did you find out about God?
>>    >
>>    >___ Newspaper
>>    >
>>    >___ New Testament
>>    >
>>    >___ Torah
>>    >
>>    >___ Book of Mormon
>>    >
>>    >___ Koran
>>    >
>>    >___ Other Book
>>    >
>>    >___ Television
>>    >
>>    >___ Divine Inspiration
>>    >
>>    >___ Word of mouth
>>    >
>>    >___ Dead Sea scrolls
>>    >
>>    >___ My mama done tol' me
>>    >
>>    >___ Near-death Experience
>>    >
>>    >___ Near-life experience
>>    >
>>    >___ National Public Radio
>>    >
>>    >___ Tabloid
>>    >
>>    >___ Burning Shrubbery
>>    >
>>    >___ Who?
>>    >
>>    >___ Other (specify): _____________
>>    >
>>    >
>>    >2. Which model God did you acquire?
>>    >
>>    >___ God of Israel
>>    >
>>    >___ Jehovah
>>    >
>>    >___ Allah
>>    >
>>    >___ Just plain God
>>    >
>>    >___ Krishna
>>    >
>>    >___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
>>    >
>>    >___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
>>    >
>>    >___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
>>    >
>>    >___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
>>    >
>>    >___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
>>
>>
>>    >3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts
>>    >in good working order and with no obvious breakage or
>>    >missing attributes?
>>    >
>>    >__ Yes __ No
>>
>>    >If No, please describe the problems you initially
>>    >encountered here.
>>    >
>>    >Please indicate all that apply:
>>    >
>>    >___ Not eternal
>>    >
>>    >___ Not omniscient
>>    >
>>    >___ Not omnipotent
>>    >
>>    >___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the
>>    >entire universe
>>    >
>>    >___ Permits sex outside of marriage
>>    >
>>    >___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
>>    >
>>    >___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
>>    >
>>    >___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
>>    >
>>    >___ Requires burnt offerings
>>    >
>>    >___ Requires virgin sacrifices
>>    >
>>    >___ Plays dice with the universe
>>    >
>>    >
>>    >4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
>>    >acquire a God?
>>    >
>>    >Please check all that apply.
>>    >
>>    >___ Indoctrinated by parents
>>    >
>>    >___ Needed a reason to live
>>    >
>>    >___ Indoctrinated by society
>>    >
>>    >___ Needed target for rage
>>    >
>>    >___ Imaginary friend grew up
>>    >
>>    >___ Hate to think for self
>>    >
>>    >___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
>>    >
>>    >___ Fear of death
>>    >
>>    >___ To piss off parents
>>    >
>>    >___ Needed a day away from work
>>    >
>>    >___ Enjoy organ music
>>    >
>>    >___ Needed focus on whom to despise
>>    >
>>    >___ Needed to feel morally superior
>>    >
>>    >___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
>>    >
>>    >___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
>>    >
>>    >
>>    >5. Are you currently using any other source of
>>    >inspiration in addition to God?
>>    >
>>    >Please check all that apply.
>>    >
>>    >__ Self-help books
>>    >
>>    >__ Tarot, Astrology
>>    >
>>    >__ Star Trek re-runs
>>    >
>>    >__ Fortune cookies
>>    >
>>    >__ Ann Landers
>>    >
>>    >__ Psychic Friends Network
>>    >
>>    >__ Dianetics
>>    >
>>    >__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
>>    >
>>    >__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
>>    >
>>    >__ Biorhythms
>>    >
>>    >__ EST
>>    >
>>    >__ Television
>>    >
>>    >__ Mantras
>>    >
>>    >__ Jimmy Swaggart
>>    >
>>    >__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
>>    >
>>    >__ Human Sacrifice
>>    >
>>    >__ Wandering around in desert
>>    >
>>    >__ Burning shrubbery
>>    >
>>    >__ Other:_____________________
>>    >
>>    >
>>    >6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so,
>>    >which false God were you fooled by?
>>    >
>>    >Please check all that apply.
>>    >
>>    >___ Odin
>>    >
>>    >___ Cthulhu
>  >   >
>>    >___ Lottery
>>    >
>>    >___ Baal
>>    >
>>    >___ Beelzebub
>>    >
>>    >___ The Almighty Dollar
>>    >
>>    >___ The Conservative Right
>>    >
>>    >___ Mick Jagger
>>    >
>>    >___ Bill Gates
>>    >
>>    >___ The Great Pumpkin
>>    >
>>    >___ Ronald Reagan
>>    >
>>    >___ A burning cabbage
>>    >
>>    >___ mushrooms
>>    >
>>    >___ Other: ________________
>>    >
>>    >
>>    >7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention
>>    >to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and
>>    >blind faith. Which would you prefer
>>    >
>>    >(circle one)?
>>    >
>>    >a. More Divine Intervention
>>    >
>>    >b. Less Divine Intervention
>>    >
>>    >c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
>>    >
>>    >d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
>>    >
>>    >
>>    >8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of
>>    >disasters and miracles.
>>    >
>>    >Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the
>>    >following:
>>    >
>>    >(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
>>    >
>>    >Disaster:
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 flood
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 famine
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 war
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 plague
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 AOL
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship
>>    >
>>    >
>>    >Miracles:
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 rescues
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the
>>    >President
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship
>>    >
>>    >
>>    >9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5
>>    >
>>    >(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
>>    >
>>    >1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
>>    >
>>    >10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
>>    for improving the quality of God's services?
>>
>>
>>