LONDON - A renegade biologist announced that he not only cloned the world's first human, but that he successfully cloned Richard Simmons.
Dr. Nunzio Alti-plano, a well-known fertility expert, made the shocking announcement in London recently, claiming that a likeness of Richard Simmons - identical down to the smallest cell - is currently thriving in its crib at the doctor's secret laboratory, somewhere in the Canary Islands.
"This is an enormous breakthrough," gushed Dr. Altiplano.
"Not only have I duplicated a human being for the first time in world history, I have duplicated a great human being.
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"I have set the guidelines for all future human cloning - to propagate only the best in mankind."
Altiplano, who was in London to visit Dolly the sheep, said he first hit on the idea of cloning Richard Simmons while doing sit-ups to the chatty celebrity's workout video, Sweatin' to the Oldies.
"It struck me that this was a man," explained Dr. Altiplano, "the kind of man the world needs more of. His incredible wit and sagacity made me see that there should be more men like Richard Simmons - many more.
"And I intend to make many more clones of Richard - an army of them - to help the world."
The cloning was denounced by the Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority (HFEA) in England, whose members have publicly referred to Dr. Altiplano as "a madman" on more than one occasion.
"They said that Napoleon was mad," responded Dr. Altiplano. "They said Hannibal was mad, and that Caesar was maddest of them all!
"I say let time decide who is right."
- By John Thomas
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