>Date: 30 Jan 2002 20:24:33 -0000
>Reply-To: Americas_Best_Christian-feedback-29 at lb.bcentral.com
>From: "Mrs. Betty Bowers" <Americas_Best_Christian at lb.bcentral.com>
>Subject: Betty Bowers' State of the Union
>
>This newsletter can be accessed online at
>http://www.bettybowers.com/nl-feb2002.html
>
>Dear True Christians and Real Americans:
>
>Well, I watched President Bush's State of the Union address last night.
>Our nation is at war, our economy is in recession and the civilized world
>faces unprecedented dangers! No wonder the President's niece Noelle was in
>such a rush to load up on Xanax! Poor thing. (More, of course, on her
>later – solely out of Christian concern, mind you.)
>
>Apparently nostalgic for a time when the wars were more convenient to get
>to, the President kept mentioning "Tara." As a member of God's Own Party,
>I really don't care where this so-called "war" is or whose landscaping we
>ruin – just as long as we can string it out until after the next
>elections. Praise!
>
>In the face of death threats from nuts killing for God, our reasoned
>response has been to return the favor and adopt the Lord as our own
>bellicose mascot. The President intoned: "Especially in tragedy... God is
>near." As I watched the World Trade Center towers crumble in the
>faith-based initiate on September 11, I, too, thought "God is near." Sort
>of like Robert Wagner, standing on the deck of the "Splendor" with a
>martini – passive, yet near, as dear Natalie Wood flailed away.
>
>As a rather adept marketer of Christianity, I applaud the use of any pithy
>catchphrase. Nevertheless, is it just me or does anyone else notice that
>when the President says, "Let's roll!" he looks as if he is about to reach
>instinctively for a Zip-loc bag and a packet of Zig Zag papers?
>
>As we all know, children's learning is so important to my dear friend the
>First Lady that she has devoted almost 3.5% of her life to teaching in
>schools. After Columbine and all the other horrible incidents in the past
>several years, I was somewhat surprised that the President didn't devote
>more time to talking about our nation's schools – other than to say
>"Thousands of dangerous killers, schooled in the methods of murder are
>like ticking time bombs set to go off without warning."
>
>Did any of you see Linda Lay, the wife of the ex-chairman of Enron, on the
>Today Show this week? Just seeing my poor sister-in-Christ Linda crying on
>morning television, telling everyone how she has been wiped out almost
>broke my Christian heart. Some of you may scoff at her plight, but you
>have no idea what it is like to be shopping at Prada or Lamborghini, go to
>write a check and have to try to remember those unwieldy numbers they put
>on those Swiss or Cayman Islands bank accounts! No wonder she is furious
>with her husband: it must be horrible to know you can buy an island in the
>Bahamas, but not pick up the check at the local steak house because
>everything you own is "off shore."
>
>Several of you have written to me asking why I haven't done a film review
>of "The Lord of the Rings." Well, the reason was quite simple. I didn't
>need to sit through a three-hour movie to learn the power of quality jewelry.
>
>Betty Bowers Opens Halfway House Exclusively For Bush Children
>
>Just say: "No! elle" This week, Jeb Bush's adult daughter Noelle was
>arrested for trying to swindle a pharmacy out of a bottle of Xanax. What I
>found most alarming about the story is that a patrician Republican was
>shopping at Walgreens! According to an AP report, Noelle has, since 1995,
>received seven speeding tickets, been cited for five other traffic
>violations and been involved in three automobile crashes, according to
>Florida Records. Honestly, with W driving drunk and Laura killing someone
>at a stop sign, if the Office of Homeland Security takes our domestic
>safety seriously, can't it get limos for each and every relative of our
>President?
>
><http://www.bettybowers.com/newsjeb.html>CLICK HERE
>
>PRUDES: Patriotic Republicans Unctuously Dressing Erotic Statues
>
>I'm sure that all of you heard the news this week that Pentecostal-raised
>John Ashcroft finds the semi-undressed FDR-era statues in the lobby of the
>Justice Building so pornographic that $8,000 drapes have been ordered to
>rectify their egregious immodesty. Well, naturally, this is just the first
>step in cleaning up the filth that passes for public art in this country.
>Learn about the new GOP task force PRUDES!
>
><http://www.bettybowers.com/prudes.html>CLICK HERE
>
>Betty Bowers Keeps White House Visitors From Slipping in President's
>Pretzel & Beer Vomit
>
>After seeing President Bush's badly bruised face last week, it was clear
>to me that during the State of the Union address, he was wearing more
>foundation than a pack of Tijuana hookers. While the skeptical public was
>fed the pretzel story, followers of the Betty Bowers Ministry can find out
>what really happened:
>
><http://www.bettybowers.com/newsdrunk.html>CLICK HERE
>
>Porn-Again Christians Reach Out to Unsaved Pornography Addicts
>
>While John Ashcroft tries to sanitize depictions of humans in a state of
>undress, other Christians are getting naked and rather raunchy for the Lord!
>
><http://www.bettybowers.com/newsporn.html>CLICK HERE
>
>Keep Annoying Trash Out of Heaven!
>
>Something horrible has happened! As all of you know, I haved penned a
>brilliant spiritual guide "What Would Betty Do?," which will be available
>to you March 5, 2002. In a shocking disregard for the quality of our
>afterlife, my publisher Simon & Schuster has decided to ship this book
>containing my spiritual secrets to bookstores throughout this country! As
>such, millions of obnoxious people we take great efforts to avoid here on
>Earth will have access to the wise and witty tips that will ensure their
>entry into Heaven. For the sake of all of us who regard one of the main
>benefits of God's Glory being eternal separation from people who get on
>our nerves, please call your local book story and demand that they give
>you all available copies of "What Would Betty Do?" when they arrive on
>March 5th.
>
><http://www.bettybowers.com/help.html>CLICK HERE
>
>Martha Stewart Leaves K-Mart: Opens Christian Body Parts Store
>
>The Lord Jesus told us that if our hand causes us to sin, we should cut it
>off. Ever the resourceful businesswoman, Martha Stewart has seen a market
>in supplying fresh body parts as True Christians sever limbs in a frenzied
>preparation for Glory!
>
><http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0202/bodyparts.html>CLICK HERE
>
>Reaching Out: The First Lady's Message to Victims of the Enron Collapse
>
>Who said America's First Family isn't sympathetic to the plight of people
>they forgot to call to tell them to sell their Enron stock? Join Laura
>Bush in the East Wing Crafts Room to learn fabulous things to do with your
>now worthless stock!
>
><http://www.whitehouse.org/firstlady/enron-crafts.asp>CLICK HERE
>
>So close to Jesus, He told me where Osama bin Laden is (but drew a blank
>when I asked about Dick Cheney),
>
>Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian
>
>A woman known throughout Christendom for her joie d'après vivre
>
>
>"What Would Betty Do?"
>
>A Spiritual Survival Guide
>
>Succeeding at the Expense of Others in this World – and the Next!
>
>Coming March 2002 from Simon & Schuster
>
><http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743216016/bettybowersisabe>CLICK
>HERE for more information
>
>
>
>
>----------
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