PAGE SIX By RICHARD JOHNSON with PAULA FROELICH and CHRIS WILSON
Media aide bitches too much
A LOWLY assistant at Hearst magazines was fired yesterday after telling her high-maintenance bosses in an anonymous memo: "Buy your own candy, stop rifling through my desk and, yeah, guess what - I have to p- - too!"
The blistering harangue - which she posted on mediabistro.com's "Bitch Box" - begins: "Hey editors, get off your [bleeping] high horses and come down and smell your trash. We are your editorial assistants - not your maids, your mothers or your personal assistants.
"1. Your dead plants, pigeons and other 'wildlife' in your office are not my problem. You've been around long enough to know plants need water and if they don't get it, they die . . .
"2. Duane Reade sells candy to ANYONE. Do not bitch if the candy jar is empty. Do not bitch if what's in there isn't your favorite candy. Haul it ONE BLOCK east and buy the stuff yourself . . . Plus, we're sick of fronting the cash.
"3. Pub Tech responds to everyone. It's really easy to call them. And odds are, the problem is something you could fix if you would suck it up and take one training class.
"4. The refrigerator doesn't keep things forever. I'm tired of my one little yogurt being surrounded by your seven containers of three remaining bites of a $50 lunch that has been in there so long, it smells like sweat socks.
"5. Learn how things work around here. I'm half your age, make a third of your salary, and after baby-sitting you for over a year, could do your job and still have time for a manicure. The copier is push-button, occasionally the printer does need paper, and the production department is just down the hall. Chimps could do half this stuff.
"6. I will occasionally not be at my desk . . . No kidding. I have to p- - too. And I get a lunch hour. Respect it or buy yourself a slave. Kathie Lee [Gifford]'s made a second career out of this.
"7. I do not have ESP. If you've told me to do something, it's done, if you didn't, it wasn't. I can't read your [bleeping] mind . . . and if it's after 5:30, too late. Your forgetfulness and lack of organization is not my emergency. I'm going home to watch 'Survivor.'
"And finally, 8. My desk is not your playground. Quit going through the papers on it; not all of it pertains to you. Don't take things off it - if it was meant for you, I'd give it to you." The memo ends, "That is all - for now. The Assistant."
Hearst, known to partake in "manhunts" where it traces e-mails, phone calls and Web links that employees have made, quickly identified the offending assistant and fired her, sources said. Calls to Hearst were not returned. The memo has been removed from mediabistro.com.