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<BODY bgColor=#ffffff>Date: Sat, 8 Jun 2002 17:46:35 -0400<BR>From: "Michael
Moore's Mailing List" <<A
href="mailto:mailinglist@michaelmoore.com">mailinglist@michaelmoore.com</A>><BR>Subject:
Michael Moore Announces the Opening of "MIKE'S OFFICE OF <BR>HOMELAND
SECURITY"<BR><BR>Michael Moore Announces the Opening of "MIKE'S OFFICE OF
HOMELAND SECURITY"<BR><BR><BR>June 7, 2002<BR><BR>My fellow Americans,<BR><BR>We
live in really, really, scary, scary times. BOO! See, you jumped, didn't<BR>you?
I don't blame you. I did too, as I typed it! SCAAARRY TIMES!<BR><BR>Yes, there
are thousands of evildoers who are working 24/7 to mess us up.<BR>Well,
actually, it may only be a few hundred.<BR><BR>OK, fine. I'll come clean: It's
just three guys -- and they go by the names<BR>of bin Bush, al-Ashcroft and Abu
Cheney.<BR><BR>Yes, these three have put us all in grave danger. Whether it was
their<BR>inaction before September 11th, or their actions since September 11th,
they<BR>have made this a less-safe country -- and they are doing their damnedest
to<BR>destroy our constitution and our American way of life. They must
be<BR>stopped. Or at least sent on a very long Carnival Cruise.<BR><BR>That is
why today I am announcing the creation of MIKE'S OFFICE OF
HOMELAND<BR>SECURITY.<BR><BR>This Office will, each day, issue the necessary
warnings to the American<BR>people (and to the other freaked-out inhabitants of
this planet) about what<BR>precautions and action you and they will need to
take. Though not yet a<BR>cabinet-level department (this would first require
removing the squatters<BR>at 1600 Penn. Ave.), Mike's Office of Homeland
Security will act as THE<BR>one-stop shopping and command center charged with
monitoring the movements<BR>of the doers of true evil. This Office will dispatch
the forces of the<BR>American Public (the vast majority of whom never elected a
single damn one<BR>of the men who now "lead" us) to conquer evil wherever it may
be, from DC<BR>to Wall Street to the Republic of Texas.<BR><BR>Let's face it,
folks, it's not that these are simply bad men. It's just<BR>that now, with all
the recent revelations, it has become sadly evident they<BR>are just plain
stupid ("Mr.'President,' we think Osama is going to hijack<BR>planes and crash
them into buildings!" Bush: "Hey, I'm on vacation -- send<BR>my aides a memo!").
When George W. promised last week to "securitize" the<BR>country, who among us
felt really safe (or "safetized")? When General<BR>Ashcroft (as the Democratic
senators on the "oversight" panel reverently<BR>addressed him recently) spends
our money on expensive drapes to cover up<BR>the statue of Lady Justice at the
Justice Department because he does note<BR>want to see a stone breast exposed,
who among us feels the cover-up at<BR>Justice stops there? When Dick Cheney
disappears for long periods of time,<BR>who among us doesn't<BR>scream,
"PAR-TY!!"<BR><BR>So the CIA knew this, and the FBI knew that. And they did
nothing. But THEY<BR>will not be part of Bush's new cabinet department for HIS
Office of<BR>Homeland Security. No, of course not! Why have the two of them
stinkin' up<BR>the room? And what do THEY have to do with making sure SICKOS
DON'T KILL<BR>US??!! No, instead, W. is going to whip the Coast Guard and the
fruitfly<BR>inspectors at Immigration into shape, those lazy bastards! No wonder
our<BR>lives are still in jeopardy -- it's the out-of-control toll collectors
at<BR>the Windsor Tunnel in Detroit! Thank God the FBI and the CIA will
be<BR>allowed to continue on their own separate paths, kicking the crap
outta<BR>each other, and answerable to no one. AS IT SHOULD BE!! I mean, where
would<BR>we be today (and how many may have lived) had the FBI not siphoned off
the<BR>resources of 200 full-time FBI agents who spent the better part of the
late<BR>'90s on the Clinton-Lewinsky case -- investigating the national
security<BR>crisis of how to get a stain out of a blue dress! What if they had
been<BR>doing their REAL job -- like investigating dip-shit flight training
schools<BR>in Florida and Texas and SAVING PEOPLE'S LIVES?! What a waste of
time! And<BR>still, to this day, not a single apology from any Republicans for
that<BR>costly misdirection of police protection. (You see, if I were to go
call<BR>9-1-1 right now and send the cops off to some stupid non-crime scene,
I<BR>would be arrested. When the Republicans did it, they got the White
House.)<BR><BR>Well, enough carpin' about these losers. Nothing they do will
prevent the<BR>next attack, sad to say. So, at the very least, I can offer to
help protect<BR>our constitution, our civil liberties, and our precious right to
watch<BR>football, eat Tostitos, and NOT fall off the couch.<BR><BR>Plus, my
Office of Homeland Security will give out prizes! All the Bush<BR>Office is
doing is giving out secret warrants to arrest Americans, throw<BR>them in secret
prisons and<BR>never charge them.<BR><BR>My color codes of various security
levels will come in everything from CODE<BR>MAUVE to CODE PERIWINKLE. I will
explain the day's "Crisis Situation" and<BR>give you "Your Mission." By turning
to Mike's Office of Homeland Security<BR>you may not survive the next terrorist
attack, but you will definitely make<BR>it to November 2, 2004. And wake up
happy on November 3.<BR><BR>By what authority do I establish this Office? Well,
I may not be the<BR>President, but they've just told me I've sold more books
this year than<BR>Harry Potter -- and, dammit, that should bestow some sort of
superpowers on<BR>me to protect the rest of us, right?<BR><BR>Thank you. Good
night. And God Bless America Except Florida.<BR><BR>Michael
Moore<BR>Author<BR>Filmmaker<BR>Evildoer Doer<BR><BR><BR><A
href="mailto:mike@michaelmoore.com">mike@michaelmoore.com</A><BR><BR>To check in
at Mike's Office of Homeland Security or to get your copy of<BR>"Stupid White
Men, click here:<BR><BR><A
href="http://www.michaelmoore.com">http://www.michaelmoore.com</A><BR><BR></BODY></HTML>