Freedom-Loving Americans Threatened by Elderly Nuns Matt Stannard
To: Colorado U.S. Attorney John Suthers From: A Proud American
Dear Mr. Suthers:
I want to commend you for your brave decision to prosecute three elderly nuns for defacing that Weld County missile silo. We are, after all, at war. The President has said we will be at war for centuries, and has set very specific parameters for who the enemy is, and who enemy sympathizers are, and if that doesn't include these old sisters, it doesn't include anyone.
I know you feel in your heart the way I feel--that when President Bush described the freedom-hating, totalitarian, bloodthirsty enemy, he had in mind Sisters Ardeth Platte, Jackie Hudson, and Carol Gilbert. Armed with ordinary hammers and their own blood, these nefarious old women attempted to "injure, interfere with and obstruct the national defense of the United States," according to their grand jury indictment.
Like ninjas in the night (perhaps in a movie about elderly ninjas), they cut through an ordinary chain-link fence and took a leisurely, Happy Sunshine Care Center-style stroll around some of our nation's most secure missile silos. This surely must have tested the limits of base security.
Worse, at a time of tight budgets and impending tax cuts, the evil sisters caused $1670.00 in damage with their hammers and blood.
One thousand, six hundred and seventy dollars. Holy bejebus, that's a lot of money--even more than I payed for the car I drove in college.
Fortunately, we'll all sleep better for your vigorous prosecution and celebrated courtroom victory. And any patriotic American can only hope these depraved old ladies spend a long, long time behind bars.
Granted, for a variety of reasons, a long prison sentence may not...well..."deter" Sisters Platte (66 years old), Hudson (68) and Gilbert (55). But we patriots know that's really not what prosecuting such cases is all about. You're teaching by example. Other activists (especially those who, like the nuns, are easy to subdue) will surely think twice before spilling their own blood on bombs, or doing anything besides singing the obligatory thirteen rounds of Kumbaya in state-designated protest areas. You have to discipline those peaceniks--especially the old ones, the weak ones, and the slow ones, because hey, if we aren't safe from old nuns, we're really in trouble, right?
Which brings me to the point of this letter, John (may I call you John? I feel very close to you right now). I think you're heading in the right direction, but there's so much more work to be done to defend our national security from the elderly, the infirm, and the harmless. What follows is my list of suggestions for future prosecutions. I am sure most Americans, Coloradans, and even a few Wyomingites like myself would be happy to know our tax dollars can fund some of these pursuits:
1. Birds. Those wily little terrorists fly over missile silos all the time, dropping their little peace symbols onto extremely sensitive equipment. Their cuteness and weakness are an obvious front. I don't trust birds. They just aren't like you and me.
2. Small children. I'm not talking about teenagers, like those kids the U.S. is holding at Guantanamo Bay. Teenagers are far too predictable to threaten national security. They may occasionally shoot their classmates or teachers, but they tend to stay away from missile silos. On the other hand, give a three-year-old a crayon and leave her at a missile silo, and you'll see some serious damage.
3. Other old people besides nuns. This guy who operates the newsstand down my street, for example, could potentially read some subversive literature and the next think you know he'll be running onto the Warren Air Force Base down in Cheyenne and urinating on an airplane.
4. Younger nuns. Let's admit it. All nuns are potential national security threats. And they have lots and lots of blood, every last pinko one of 'em.
5. Gandhi. I know he's dead. But that's exactly why he can take us by surprise if we're not careful. We don't want him breaking into a military base and starving all over our missiles.
By the way, when you do start prosecuting three-year-olds, nursing home residents, and pacifists, I implore you to ignore the ridicule you'll receive for it. Hopefully, by then, you'll be used to it. Sensitivity to ridicule is a bane to the resolve of enlightened government lawyers like yourself. And there's a war on.
Matt Stannard is a teacher, activist, and director of University of Wyoming's national championship debate team. -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: <../attachments/20030526/e6317220/attachment.htm>