Proposes Groping Entire State of Nevada
In his first official act since being elected Governor of the nation's most populous state, actor Arnold Schwarzenegger last night told the state of California that it had what he called "a really nice ass."
"Yes, it is true, California, you have fiscal problems," the Governor-elect told a cheering crowd of supporters. "But you also have a really nice ass."
As an audible gasp rippled through the hotel ballroom where Mr. Schwarzenegger spoke, the newly elected Governor continued, rhapsodizing about California's "awesome ass" for another forty-two minutes.
Some political observers were surprised to hear Mr. Schwarzenegger, who had been accused of sexual peccadilloes in recent days, to devote so much of his victory speech to complimenting California's ass, which he called "sweet," "firm" and "bodacious" at various points of his address.
Privately, however, aides were relieved that their candidate used his time on national television to praise California's ass rather than Hitler.
While Mr. Schwarzenegger remained sketchy about his plans for his first days in office, one initiative he proposed last night was a plan to grope the entire state of Nevada.
It remains unclear how praising California's ass and groping Nevada will solve California's seemingly intractable budget problems, but most observers seemed to agree that they were ideas that Governor Gray Davis never would have thought of.
For his part, Mr. Davis refused to offer many details about his future, saying only that he planned to spend the next several months blending into the wallpaper.
Mr. Schwarzenegger was flanked onstage for his victory speech by wife Maria Shriver, several prominent Republican officials, and the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
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Quis custodiet istos custodes?
"Who will watch the watchers?" ~ "Who is to guard the guards themselves?"
-- Juvenal's Satires, VI. 347, circa 110 AD