McSWEENEY'S PROJECTS: DARRELL ISSA - SUPREME RULER OF CALIFORNIA, PART ONE. BY GABE KOPLOWITZ Thanks to the efforts of Representative Darrell Issa (R), vehicle-security magnate/electoral visionary, California has become an ever-hotter hotbed of political hotness. As many of you may know, Rep. Issa is fed up with the current direction of our ship of state. To remedy this problem, Rep. Issa has, in the past several months, spent well over one million dollars of his own money in an effort to recall current governor Gray Davis. Should Rep. Issa and his followers get enough signatures to merit a recall, Rep. Issa intends to run for governor himself. Not only are we in full support of Rep. Issa's goals and ideas, we have chosen to go one step further. We have written and hope to introduce into legislation — however that works; we hope it's not complicated — the following bill: THE DARRELL ISSA CALIFORNIA ELECTION OMNIPOTENCE BILL California elections are decided by an uninformed, apathetic public that frequently makes mistakes. Thus, under the Darrell Issa California Election Omnipotence Bill (or DICEOB), all California elections, on every level, will henceforth be subject to Rep. Darrell Issa's approval. The outcome of all state elections will be duly noted by Rep. Issa as a suggestion, but not as an actual outcome. From now on, voting results provided by the general electorate will bear no legal authority. Rep. Issa will respectfully examine the outcomes of all California elections, and then decide whether or not the correct outcome was reached. If Rep. Issa declares that the wrong person has won, it will be within his jurisdiction to appoint his own victor, or, if no suitable victor can be found, he may appoint himself. In addition, if Rep. Issa chooses to recall any elected official, his brother William, with whom Rep. Issa allegedly once stole a car, will also take possession of the deposed official's automobile. This provision will be known as Rep. Issa's power of Total Recall. Rep. Issa will decide the outcome of elections in the order that they are completed. Upon the completion of the voting process, under the authority of Total Recall, Rep. Issa will have two years to reach a decision on each election, during which time the incumbent will remain in his or her position of leadership. If, during this two-year period, the incumbent is for any reason unable to continue in his or her position (death, incarceration), Rep. Issa will stand in as emergency interim leader. If, after two years, a winner has not been decided, the authority to make the decision will be passed on to Rep. Issa's brother, William, who may declare any winner he sees fit to serve, including Rep. Issa, but excluding himself. This provision will be known as William Issa's power of Total Recall 2: Final Decision. If a decision is not reached by the end of this two-year period, the unfilled elected position will be eliminated and its assets directed toward buying new cars, or gifts of equivalent value, for William. - - - - Frequently Asked Questions About DICEOB Q: I love the DICEOB, but I wonder: Is it just statewide offices over which Rep. Issa will have dominion? A: At least in the beginning, Rep. Issa will concentrate on statewide offices. But our bill allows Rep. Issa, if he finds time or takes a particular interest in any other office in any region, including those abroad, especially those in Norway. Q: I'm trying to settle a bet. Is Rep. Issa a prophet or a visionary? A: Put away your wallet, friend. He's both. Q: I have been married for five years now, and am no longer happy with my wife. Can Rep. Issa recall her? A: We are working on legislation that would allow Rep. Issa to do what you are asking — to decide whether certain marital unions were correct, and, if not, to act accordingly. Q: What about pets and co-workers? A: All in good time. Q: When Rep. Issa seizes control of deposed officials' vehicles, will he have representatives do it, or will he steal the cars himself, with his brother William? A: If the cars are within two-hours' drive from Rep. Issa's current location, he will steal them himself, with his brother William pulling lookout duty. If they are outside of this radius, representatives of Rep. Issa will recall the cars. Q: My family lives in a pretty bad neighborhood, and we're looking for an effective, yet affordable car alarm. Any suggestions? A: We've found that the alarms offered by Directed Electronics, Inc., are the most reliable alarms on the market today. We specifically recommend the Hornet©, featuring Security with Remote Start and Keyless Entry Upgrade. And for that extra kick, pick up the Mini Piezo Siren, with its own pain generator. - - - - Watch this space tomorrow, when we present the real-life Diary of Gabe Koplowitz, Petitioner for the Darrell Issa California Election Omnipotence Bill. How many people will sign? How many will become violent to Gabe? Will it do any good to have Gabe's friend Bill come along, playing a guitar in a tuxedo and sombrero? Find out tomorrow. <A href="http://www.mcsweeneys.net">www.mcsweeneys.net</A>  <hr SIZE=1> Do you Yahoo!? <a href="http://pa.yahoo.com/*http://rd.yahoo.com/evt=1207/*http://promo.yahoo.com/sbc/">SBC Yahoo! DSL</a> - Now only $29.95 per month!