From: Wollman, Neil J. Sent: Fri 09-Apr-04 7:02 AM To: Monaco, Diane K. Subject: BREAKING PRESS CONFERENCE: U.S. MILITARY HEADQUARTERS--BAGHDAD
4/8/04 8:00 AM; Press briefing, U.S. military headquarters, Baghdad: Good morning. Let me say first that we are making real progress in securing Iraq, as I tell you everyday. But you can never get too secure, so I want to announce a new set of measures that will bring true peace and security to all of Iraq. Starting tomorrow we will begin our latest military campaign against the insurgency, “Operation: Kill them all.” We’re not pulling any punches this time. I realize that I said after Saddam Hussein’s capture that we had “cut off the head” of the enemy and that the body would soon follow. And after we conducted house searches and halted many insurgent operations, I told you that we had “cut off the knees” of the enemy. Well this time we’ll “pluck his eye out,” “go for the jugular,” and just generally shake him up. See if he gets up after that! One advantage is that now our intelligence has pinpointed the enemy. It’s those dead-ender Saddam extremist terrorists, taking commands from Saddam’s disguised messages he still sends from his cell. But don’t count out those has-been foreign Islamist extremist terrorists. Of course, to be honest, we can’t rule out the internal Iraqi Islamist extremist terrorists. Forget about militants and guerillas. We can report that intelligence has ruled out any involvement from Iraqi nationalists who just don’t like occupiers, period. If they attack us, they must be terrorists. So, we’re making progress. I can’t repeat too often, anyone who likes us is a good guy and anyone who doesn’t like us is a bad guy—plain and simple. We will find the bad guys and get rid of them. Remember, they are the bad guys and we are the good guys. We are the good guys and they are the bad guys. They are the good guys and we are the bad guys. Any questions? OK, let’s move on. Here’s another new policy I think you’re going to appreciate. Each day we will double the reward for the capture or killing of that bald, wacky looking guy, the former right hand man to Saddam. We’ll do the same for the lead foreign Islamist terrorist and the lead internal extremist terrorist---whoever they might be right now. When reward figures reach the total U.S budget for 2004, we will drop the reward back to a $1 and start again. Folks can either hand in their terrorist for a smaller amount or gamble by holding onto them longer for the big jackpot---but they risk losing it all. Well they still get a dollar and a game. Of course, this whole reward thing sounds strange to me. My suggestion was posters saying, “Turn in a terrorist; it’s the right thing to do—and it’s the law.” But everyone else told me to get real. But let me shift gears a bit. You know, all this talk about weapons of mass destruction even gets me feeling a little insecure. So we will soon start a new operation to find WMD. It will be called “Operation: Where’s WMD” and will be loosely based on the “Where’s Waldo” series of puzzles. We will widely distribute puzzles with drawings of chemical and biological weapons hidden among other figures. Anyone who can circle all the weapons will be assigned a leadership role in our next hunt for real WMD. I realize it seems strange that after a year not one scientist or military officer can point to one such weapon However, cases of mass memory loss after traumatic invasions have happened before. Don’t worry, we’ll find the weapons; but please don’t even hint that we might plant them ourselves. Why do that, with the size rewards we’re offering I might plant them myself if I was in the private sector! Just joking. Finally, we will extend the secure “Green Zone” holding the U.S Command to the entire country. We will put up a large wall—like the Gaza one-- around the whole country. That will keep out undesirables. All homes will be searched continuously and folks will be detained if they are suspicious looking (i.e., looking Arabian). And you may remember that many months ago we decreed that all weapons had to be handed in. Well, we plan to issue that decree again. When it doesn’t work this time, we’ll go around ourselves and gather all 10 million weapons still lying around the country. I didn’t see the right to bear arms in the new constitution—did you?. In conclusion, we still continue to make progress every day. Because of that, we know that those against us will be increasing their attacks. Who knows, by the time we have really brought peace and stability to the country, there might be so much violence here that no one can go outside. Never-the-less, we feel that our new plans will make us all more secure. And if it doesn’t work, who cares. Those people take over in July and then it’s their problem. So I say now, Adios, I’m out of here. One thing I’ve learned in Iraq, don’t spend more than a few minutes in one place if you want to live another day.
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