Dear Fellow Cons:
Many people have come to me a bit bewildered by the tone and emphasis of Republican politics this year. Perhaps, they are a bit thrown by someone who used to preen in skimpy swimwear, made himself available as a frolicsome plaything to lecherous old men and is a supporter of a president who spent high school and college as a giddy cheerleader, calling other males "girly men." Others, carelessly veering from their talking points to lazily succumb to reality, were perplexed when the No. 2 (at least officially) man from an administration that purports to provide civil counterpoint to "angry liberals," would take to the Senate floor and offer the brusque motto of extreme self-reliance: "Go [unchristian word starting with an F] yourself!"
Friends, if you are surprised by any of this, you simply aren't paying attention. Good. We need more of you in the GOP! But why would it come as a shock that Mr. Cheney would say to a senator what Mr. Bush has been saying to America and our allies for the past three years? Indeed, if politics allowed for candor (which, thank the Lord, it doesn't because who really would have rallied around a Bill "Leave No Woman's Behind" Clinton?) the GOP's slogan this year would be "Bush/Cheney: America Go [unchristian word starting with an F] Yourself!"
Alas, such frankness alienates prickly focus groups, to say nothing of congenitally indecisive swing voters. Therefore, we are left with the tricky conundrum of having to give voice to immutable principles of unbending resolve. And than doing precisely the opposite. This moral circumlocution has to be done deftly. Or at least quickly. To help you understand how it works, I am providing some pointers on Republican paradoxes:
The United States should get out of the United Nations because it is a useless institution that furthers anti-American policies. In the meantime, however, our national raison d'etre is spending thousands of lives and billions of dollars to enforce U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
Support for our troops is best shown by bumper stickers, festooning trees with yellow, ridiculing people who are sticklers for a justification for getting Marines killed, and using aircraft carriers and the enlisted as photogenic backdrops for partisan political opportunities. Cold, unsentimental cash, such as for veterans' benefits and combat pay, cheapens our affection for our brave boys and gals in uniform.
If we don't allow teachers to talk about it in schools, adolescents won't even know that sex exists until after they are safely married (in which case, they will surely come to question its existence yet again).
It is the coming together (marriage), not the rending apart (divorce) that is most likely to undermine a marriage. After all, the biggest threat to marriage is allowing people to do it.
If you are an entertainer who remakes your entire career to ride the coattails of conservative jingoism all the way to the nearest bank, you are hailed as a man of principle (Tobey Keith). If, however, you mouth passing praise for someone liberal in between songs (Linda Ronstadt), you will be escorted from the stage by armed men in natty brown shirts.
Being a drug addict, in addition to being rather expensive, comes as a result of an inability to muster a simple "no" and is irrefutable proof of moral turpitude necessitating mandatory jail time. If, however, the junkie is either a bombastic (yet conservative) radio host or a bomb-happy President, anything more than simple prayers for recovery would be shockingly punitive.
Christ told us that if an enemy strikes us, we are required to forgive them and turn the other cheek. This is why savvy Christian nations work around Jesus' girly-man approach by preemptively attacking first.
Long-time Allies respond best to a coquettish "hard-to-get" approach from America, the ultimate alpha male in the diplomatic dating pool. After several years of harsh insults and pointed indifference, they will all swoon when we show we care by asking for troops and money.
Saddam Hussein (who when haplessly groomed begins to look alarmingly like Dennis Miller, only with an audience), was a good guy when Mr. Reagan armed him and Mr. Rumsfeld shook his hand, an evil guy when W's daddy verbally attacked him (but left him otherwise unscathed), a good guy (again) when Mr. Cheney's wildly resourceful company did business with him, and an evil guy (yet again) when the Prodigal Bush needed an enemy with an address.
If you want to provide the people of Iraq with health care, police, roads, sewers, a new power grid and education, irrespective of cost, you are a fiscally sound conservative. If, on the other hand, you want these same things for Americans, you are a tax-and-spend liberal.
So close to Jesus, I know which press-coups for Kerry trigger terror alerts,
Mrs. Betty Bowers
America's Best Christian
Spiritual Advisor to Mr. & Mrs. George W. Bush
"We're in a fucking stagmire."
--Little Carmine, 'The Sopranos'