Republican National Convention Schedule: Revised, August 2004
6:00pm - Opening prayer
6:15pm - Supplementary opening prayer
6:30pm - Prayer in thanks of first two prayers
6:45pm - New energy policy presented by Exxon
7:00pm - Canonization of Reagan
7:15pm - Additional prayers
7:30pm - Opening remarks by Halliburton
8:00pm - Prayer for the safety and well-being of Ken Lay
8:15pm - Additional remarks by Halliburton
8:30pm - Stoning of the first homosexual
8:45pm - New healthcare polices presented by HMO leader, Kaiser Permanente
9:00pm - Invasion of Iran or North Korea (TBA)
9:15pm - Halliburton contributes 1.4 billion to Republican party
9:30pm - Reagan elevated to savior, Holy Trinity now referred to as "the quads"
9:45pm - Bush undergoes plastic surgery to look more like Reagan
10:00pm - Chaney runs into Ron Reagan, Jr. Tells him to go #### himself
10:15pm - Recall of troops from accidental invasion of South Korea (Bush: "Damn, the SOUTH is our ally. My bad.")
10:30pm - Burning at the stake of 16 year-old Jenny Williams, who had an illegal abortion after being raped by her cousin
10:45pm - Dancing around the golden calf
11:00pm - Stoning of the partner of the first homosexual
11:15pm - New forestry policy presented by Weyerhaeuser
11:45pm - Thanking God for his wisdom in choosing Bush as president
12:00pm - Closing prayers (lasting until 2:00am)
2:00 am - Hookers arrive for all delegates