The U.S.U.N. Charter, ratified unanimously by delegates in a four-minute vote Wednesday, sets forth the mission of the organization as "the proliferation of war and/or peace and international economic, social, and humanitarian progress through deference to the U.S. - and is aimed at maintenance of the hegemony which has so well suited the christian, civilized world during the past two years."
"The U.S.U.N. resembles the original in almost every way, right down to all the flags outside our headquarters," said Condoleezza Rice, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "Of course, the flags represent the states in the Union, so we only needed 50 flag poles." [...]
"We gave the old U.N. a go for I don't know how many years, but it just wasn't working," said Dick Cheney. "Really, I have no idea what we were doing sacrificing all that power and autonomy in exchange for a couple of lousy troops from Sweden." Added Cheney: "I can't tell you how much easier it is to achieve consensus when you don't have to worry about dissent."
United States forms its own United Nations http://gummibear.netfirms.com/HTML/anewun.html (originally Onion) "Old" UN had outlived its usefulness, Pentagon asserts
WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the United Nations' "consistent, blatant regard for the imposed will of its 188 member nations", and still steamed by the attitude of the "Old Europe" countries' recent refusal to grant the United States Government carte blanche in deciding how to rid Iraq of its WMD, the U.S. announced Wednesday the formation of its own international governing body, the U.S.U.N.
"The U.N. has repeatedly demonstrated an inability to act decisively in carrying out actions the U.S. government deems necessary," U.S.U.N. Secretary General Colin Powell said. "Every time we tried to get something accomplished, it inevitably got bogged down in procedural policies, partisan politics, bureaucratic formalities, and Security Council votes."
"The makeup of the old UN, with powerful positions of influence being accorded to nations like France and Germany is living proof that the UN was an anachronism waiting to explode into World War III," intoned Dick Cheney, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "How dare these tiny nations raise 'national interest' concerns of their own, when their economies amount to nothing more than what we Americans consider 'rounding errors' in our own market economy."
"It was humiliating to have our national 'manhood' stripped by a few uppity African or South American nations as the entire rest of the world watched. And besides, it got too damn costly to continue to pour economic aid in ever increasing amounts down these 'small country' sink holes.
As soon as we paid them off to ensure cooperation, there they'd be, with their hands out for more aid."
"I predict the U.S.U.N. will be extremely influential in world politics in the coming decades," Powell continued. "In fact, you can count on it taking a leadership position like no other international body has ever done, to this date." [...]
"This organization will carry out peacekeeping missions all over the world," added Dr. Rice, "but, unlike the U.N., these missions will not be compromised by the threat of opposition by lesser nations with evil agendas or phony, do-good domestic organizations intending to leverage their liberal objectives off the strong back of the international body."
"The foremost objective of our humanitarian efforts is to eliminate, on a global basis, such virulent scourges as AIDS, malaria, teenage promiscuity and premarital sex. In joint efforts with our preferred missionary organizations, we will also launch a global effort to eradicate the 'biggest child killer' of them all, birth control."
In its first act, the U.S.U.N. Security Council unanimously ratified a resolution to 'encourage and permit the United States, together with its ever-growing coalition of puppet-state allies, to liberate Iraq's people and natural resources from the rule of Saddam Hussein' and declared void any attempts by the now defunct predecessor organization to try US officials as war criminals for invading Iraq without formal UN sanction.
It also dissolved the International Court of Crimes and issued a proclamation lauding President Bush for his unstinting and noble effort to rid the world of evil monsters, while at the same time declaring that he was one of them.
"Besides, the new U.S.U.N. will envigorate and give new meaning to the concept of economic sanctions. We now know that economic sanctions never really worked under the old UN auspices. Too many cooks spoiled the broth. Take, as an example, the attempted sanctions against Iraq. Every Tom, Dick and Harry nation cheated, and they all connived to get a piece of the action."
"Once the U.S.U.N. is in control, we will effectively be able to shut out any foreign power that attempts to evade the sanctions. If goods or services are going to find their way in through the backdoor, by God let us make sure they all have American origin," grinned the ebullient Secretary of Commerce of the U.S.U.N. Don Evans who, coincidentally, holds the same position in the US government. [...] http://gummibear.netfirms.com/HTML/anewun.html ========================