----- Original Message ----- From: Paul Krassner To: NEWSROOM-L at LISTS.NETSPACE.ORG Sent: Monday, December 27, 2004 8:26 PM Subject: [NEWSROOM-L] next week's NY Press column
The Rumpleforeskin Awards For 2004 by Paul Krassner
*The Chutzpah Above and Beyond the Call of Duty Award*--to Mark Geragos, attorney for Scott Peterson, for seeking donations to continue the investigation into the murders of Peterson’s pregnant wife to help “free the man we know is innocent.”
*The Best Legal Argument Award*--to Aaron McKinney, co-murderer of Matthew Shepherd, denying that they killed him because he was gay: “I would say it wasn’t a hate crime. All I wanted to do was beat him up and rob him.”
*The Influencing the Jury Pool Award*--to *Mad* magazine for its cover showing Michael Jackson with his arm around Alfred E. Neuman, who, despite his “What, me worry?” philosophy, is looking scared, very scared.
*The Most Presidential Statement Award*--to George W. Bush, who, while visiting wounded troops at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington and expressing condolences to relatives of service members killed in Mosul, said, “Today, we had a rocket attack that took a lot of lives. Any time of the year is a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life.”
*The Reporters Simply Doing Their Job Award*--to Russell Mokhiber and Robert Weissman, who asked Scott McLellan, the president’s press secretary: “Scott, on the Middle East--many evangelical Christians in the United States are supporting right-wing Jews in Israel who want to rebuild the temple on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. They [evangelical Christians] believe this is a prerequisite for Christ’s return to earth. They believe that when Christ returns to earth--they call this The Rapture--he will take back with him the true believers. And the rest--the non-believers, Jews, Muslims--will be left behind to face a violent death here on earth. As a born again Christian, does the president support efforts to rebuild the temple on t he Temple Mount?” McLellan ended the press conference right there, and they didn’t get a chance to ask their follow-up, “Does the president believe in The Rapture and does he believe that during The Rapture he will be snatched up and taken by Christ to Heaven, or will he be ‘left behind’ to face a violent death here on earth?”
*The Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Award*--to anybody even remotely connected with federally funded programs that present untrue information to students, such as the textbook which states that touching another person’s genitals “can result in pregnancy” and that exposure to sweat and tears is a risk factor for HIV transmission.
*The Best Reason for Resigning Award*--this one is a tie: to Colin Powell, who wanted to spend more time with his conscience; and to Bernard Kerik, who wanted to spend more time with his nanny.
*The Conspiratorial Freudian Slip Award*--to Donald Rumsfeld, who said on Christmas Eve at Camp Victory in Baghdad: “And I think all of us have a sense if we imagine the kind of world we would face if the people who bombed the mess hall in Fosul, or the people who did the bombing in Spain, or the people who attacked the United States in New York, *shot down the plane over Pennsyvania* and attacked the Pentagon, the people who cut off people’s heads television to intimidate, to frighten--indeed the word ‘terrorized’ is just that. It’s purpose is to terrorize, to alter behavior, to make people be something other than that which they want to be.”
*The Recycling For the Environment Award*--to Nicole Kidman, for passing on her fake nose in *The Hours* to Jim Carrey to use as his fake nose in *Lemony Snicket.*
*The Totally Erasing the Previously Merely Blurred Line Between Satire and Reality Award*--to the editors of the online *Ironic Times,* for this headline and subhead: “Pfizer: Celebrex Doubles Risk of Heart Attack--But still an effective treatment for arthritis”--which is essentially what was stated by Pfizer CEO Hank McKinnell.
*The Maintaining High Standards Award*--to the Estate of Johnny Cash, for refusing to allow a hemorrhoid commercial to use Cash’s song, “Ring of Fire.”
*The Minimalist Approach to the Cultural Divide*--to Bill Donahue, head of the Catholic League, for providing middle America’s new mantra: “Hollywood Loves Anal Sex.”
And finally, *The Miracles R Us Award*--to the Virgin Mary, who appeared in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, and on her chest was the distinct image of a grilled cheese sandwich.
May the year 2005 prove to be a catastrophic success for you and all your loved ones. And be sure to get vaccinated against Mad Tofu Disease.
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