Bill, Billy, Bill-man you're doing it all wrong amigo.
You got some things right I'll admit: the epic trips to Vegas, the attraction to hotties in latex and four inch heels - I can't fault you there dude. Who among us hasn't longed to be whipped at the card table (millions? - damn you've got some cajones!) and whipped later in the hotel room by a hot Dom while wearing only a diaper and a pleading expression.
So you're not entirely off-course.
But see, here's the thing: you're hanging out with the wrong people. No man I'm not talking about the edgers in Vegas, they're a bit of all right, the 21st century belongs to the night man and those folks are already there. I'm talking about the GOP'ers, the guys with eagles on mahogany desks in their studies (complete with bookshelves stacked with spooky-ass tomes about America's *moral leadership*, *lost vision* and dilution of *manly vigor* because of all the immigrants - you know man, books like the extended textual hallucination you wrote some years back).
Those people are wrong man, just wrong and you don't need to be amongst them.
I've got a vision of the kind of guy you could be, call it *sinister eye for the in-the-closet sinister guy.* You've got to come all the way out as an evil freak my friend, you've got to lead the charge for evil freaks like yourself who want to rule the world with an iron hand but unlike the crystal cathedral goers, want to do it with a martini in one hand and a *fuck off* glint in their eye.
You've seen the old Bond flicks right, the ones from the 1960's? Remember Ernst Blofeld? Yeah, that's the attitude you need. Evil? Oh, most assuredly. But stylish, off-kilter, unafraid of your enormous appetites.
Here's the plan my friend.
1.) Get some new, seriously sharp suits.
Hugo Boss, Armani, someone else a poor bastard like myself hasn't heard of. Even a total smacked-ass like Trump looks good in a suit.
2.) Deny nothing. Gotta do it my man. Don't make the Clinton mistake and try to maintain appearances.
Listen, let me tell you a story from my teen years - A good friend of mine was really into porn. All my buds and I made fun of him because of his collection. We'd come into his bedroom and the dude would be religously observing some porn on the big-screen teevee his parents foolishly bought for him. He'd be watching that porn like a sniper tracking his target. *Ha ha, you're a sick horny bastard!* we'd say. One day, we're making fun of him while a giant vagina is onscreen. He picks up the remote, mutes the sound, turns to us and says *yeah, that's right, I watch porn and I jerk off what else have you got to say!* That shut us right the hell up. He kept watching porn but we never said another thing about it.
3.) Get a friggin haircut. Nuff said.
4.) Be seen everywhere with a drink and a hottie.
Gimmicks are good. Observe Chris Hitchens; he pretends he's some mixture of Dean Martin and George Orwell. Now, everyone knows, deep down, that guy's no Dean-o and certainly no Orwell but he's got a gimmick and he's working it. You do the same.
Allright bro I've said enough, you get the picture. Don't disappoint with more weak-ass denials and apologies and backtracks. Be evil, be a freak, be the evilest freak you can be.
And I'm Out.
DRM