JAMES BROWN TO RUN DEAN CAMPAIGN
Will Help Candidate Control Temper, Says Godfather of Soul
By ANDY BOROWITZ
Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean shook up his campaign staff yet again today, naming "Godfather of Soul" James Brown his new campaign manager.
While Mr. Brown admitted he had no experience running a national political campaign, he told reporters in South Carolina today that he was optimistic that he could right Mr. Dean's ship in the crucial weeks ahead.
"I feel good," Mr. Brown said.
In a joint appearance before the press, Mr. Dean told reporters that the campaign under Mr. Brown's management would become "lean and mean," to which Mr. Brown added, "like a sex machine."
Wresting the microphone from Mr. Dean, the rhythm and blues legend said that his main contribution to the campaign would be "helping Howard deal with his anger."
"Teaching Howard to count to ten, take deep breaths, stop slamming doors in reporters' faces -- those are the sorts of things we'll be working on," Mr. Brown said.
In other campaign notes, a heavily armed Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) barricaded himself inside his South Carolina motel room today, refusing to quit the race.
Ten hours into the tense standoff, police negotiators attempted to communicate with the candidate by shouting out his single-digit vote tally from the New Hampshire primary through a bullhorn, but Mr. Kucinich did not budge.
Having recently collected Federal matching funds, Mr. Kucinich said he had enough ammo and beef jerky to hold out until the Democratic convention this summer.
Elsewhere, after claiming he was building "Joe-mentum" in New Hampshire, Senator Joseph Lieberman conceded today that he was going "Joe-where."
On Fri, 30 Jan 2004, Carrol Cox wrote:
> ... The only u.s. political leader of the last 50 years who _might_
> under the right circumstances have represented a threat actually
> analogous to if not identical with the Fascist threat was Jerry Brown.