[lbo-talk] "Cyber Libertarians" - somethingawful.com

[B.]

Somethingawful.com rocks. - B

=====

The Cyber Libertarian 

by Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons

[excerpted]

It's not a widely known statistic, but 95% of the
politically active people on the Internet claim to be
"libertarians". These Cyber Libertarians have formed
their political opinions by processing nothing but
political attack pieces from both sides of the
political spectrum. From their parent's basements they
declare themselves libertarians because it's cool and
different than being a democrat or a republican. They
say they "want much smaller government", but when you
ask them to expand you will quickly discover that no
two libertarians share anything even approximating the
same beliefs. Some want abortion and drugs banned,
others want to grind up and smoke a partial birth
while a hooker gives them a hand job. 

It turns out the only thing that libertarians have in
common is they all learned from mom and dad that money
is awesome, and consequently their entire belief
system is hinged around protecting their own money. 

Only libertarians could conceivably equate seat belt
laws and sales tax to terrorism and fascism. Only
libertarians will mention public kindergarten in the
same sentence as Stalin. They believe that the
ultimate, and most important, loss of freedom is the
loss of ability to control one's own money. From my
years of skulking around political forums on the
Internet I have learned the following about the vast
legion of Cyber Libertarians. 

 They think drugs should be legal.
 Except for hard drugs.
 All drugs should be legal.
 Tax should be abolished.
 Except for tax to support the military.
 And local tax for the police and fire department.
 No, the police and fire department should be
privatized.
 School vouchers are great.
 School vouchers don't go far enough.
 Forced integration is against the constitution.
 Welfare people buy cookies with MY TAX DOLLARS! 
 My mom's house servant told me about it when she went
to the store.

Luckily for the rest of society, Cyber Libertarians
are invariably either complete losers or ignorant
children. There are handfuls that exhibit some signs
of intelligence, but for the most part they are
trapped in a group masturbation session talking about
how awesome a libertarian paradise will be. While each
one vigorously stimulates his or her genitals they
close their eyes and picture a libertarian paradise
100% different from the person next to them. 

[...]