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The Cyber Libertarian
by Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons
[excerpted]
It's not a widely known statistic, but 95% of the politically active people on the Internet claim to be "libertarians". These Cyber Libertarians have formed their political opinions by processing nothing but political attack pieces from both sides of the political spectrum. From their parent's basements they declare themselves libertarians because it's cool and different than being a democrat or a republican. They say they "want much smaller government", but when you ask them to expand you will quickly discover that no two libertarians share anything even approximating the same beliefs. Some want abortion and drugs banned, others want to grind up and smoke a partial birth while a hooker gives them a hand job.
It turns out the only thing that libertarians have in common is they all learned from mom and dad that money is awesome, and consequently their entire belief system is hinged around protecting their own money.
Only libertarians could conceivably equate seat belt laws and sales tax to terrorism and fascism. Only libertarians will mention public kindergarten in the same sentence as Stalin. They believe that the ultimate, and most important, loss of freedom is the loss of ability to control one's own money. From my years of skulking around political forums on the Internet I have learned the following about the vast legion of Cyber Libertarians.
They think drugs should be legal.
Except for hard drugs.
All drugs should be legal.
Tax should be abolished.
Except for tax to support the military.
And local tax for the police and fire department.
No, the police and fire department should be privatized.
School vouchers are great.
School vouchers don't go far enough.
Forced integration is against the constitution.
Welfare people buy cookies with MY TAX DOLLARS!
My mom's house servant told me about it when she went to the store.
Luckily for the rest of society, Cyber Libertarians are invariably either complete losers or ignorant children. There are handfuls that exhibit some signs of intelligence, but for the most part they are trapped in a group masturbation session talking about how awesome a libertarian paradise will be. While each one vigorously stimulates his or her genitals they close their eyes and picture a libertarian paradise 100% different from the person next to them.
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