From the eXile.
A Patriot Falls
Remembering the PresidentMAUMEE, OHIO -- America is in shock and mourning following the surprise assassination of Pres-ident George W. Bush during a campaign rally yesterday in Maumee, Ohio.
The suspect, a white Amer-ican male, was quickly subdued and transported to an undisclosed location. So far no group has claimed responsibility, and it is believed the gunman acted alone.
Bush received at least nine bullet wounds while delivering a stump speech to a friendly crowd of unemployed factory workers, many of whom identified with Bush's strong values and congenial personality.
"It was just like in a movie," said Randy Walker, a recently-laid-off 46-year-old auto parts assembler from Maumee. "I heard what sounded like firecrackers and the President slumped into the podium, gurgling. I figured he was just illustrating a point about tax and spend liberals because he just kept right on at Kerry, even after he shorted the mike out with his blood."
"He fought real hard, like a true hero," agreed Lance Tiggs, a 32-year-old Army mechanic who lost both of his legs in Iraq and has since stumped for Bush.
The President, who had lost all vital life signs within minutes, was quickly airlifted to an emergency care facility in Cleveland, where he warned his surgeon and nurses that John Kerry would have big government telling them how to run their lives.
"It was heartbreaking," said Dr. Morris Feingold, Bush's surgeon. "He just didn't understand how grave his situation was."
At 2:54 p.m., as he was praising the Iraqi people for taking more responsibility for their lives, the President was pronounced dead. In a hasty ceremony reminiscent of Lyndon B. Johnson's assumption of power in 1963, Vice President Dick Cheney immediately took the oath of office, which he consummated by sucking from Bush's head wound and eating his heart. "It's an old Indian thing," he explained.
Across the country, Americans set aside their differences and bonded together as a nation. In Boston, after the World Series was canceled with the Red Sox up 10-0 in the sixth inning of Game 4, Democratic party activists held a somber "American Unity" prayer ceremony headed by George Steinbrenner and Senator Zell Miller. Farther south, in Tampa, blacks agreed to refrain from voting in order to give local white poll monitors time to grieve.
However, unrest broke out in several parts of the country. In one of the worst incidents, Bush supporters in La Jolla, Califor-nia rampaged in their golf carts through South San Diego's Latino neighborhoods, setting fire to trees and forcing thousands to flee their homes.
The National Guard was called up in twenty-nine states in order to maintain order. Due to the Iraq war, the severely-depleted Guard was forced to supplement its numbers with private militias and paintball teams. Unconfirmed reports say that Canadian Mounties are massing at the U.S. border and are prepared to intervene "if asked."
The eXile's Special Assassination Supplement was conceived, composed and performed by Jeff Koyen, editor-in-chief of the New York Press, along with eXile editors Jake Rudnitsky and Mark Ames, and eXile designer-babe Dasha Mol'.
The World MournsPutin: 'I Can't Go On'
President Putin, shown grieving above immediately after learning about Bush's death, released a statement saying that the death of his 'dear friend' has caused the Russian president to rethink his priorities. 'From now on, I want to do all of those things that I neglected in the pursuit of power. For example, I always wanted to learn how to do Latino dancing,' he said in a rambling, emotional speech to the nation. Putin said that he will decide in the next few days whether to continue as President or to finally join Greenpeace, as was his dream.
Iraq: 'Who will save us now?'
Millions of grieving Iraqis poured into the streets across Iraq yesterday in a spontaneous display of mourning for President Bush, the man who liberated them from a brutal dictatorship. Ahmed al-Habibbi, above, collapses after learning the news. "We were so close, so close to American-style democracy!" cried the 47-year-old shopkeeper and father of seven. In the Green Zone, dozens of Iraqis threw themselves out of hotel windows in one of the largest mass suicides in days. Some screamed "Bush Akhbar!" while leaping to their deaths. "They believe that they will join Bush in Paradise," one explained. Another Iraqi working in the Green Zone cried, "I can't believe it. I was sure he would live forever. Who will save us now?"
Belarus Loses Hope
In this nation of 10 million, the 'last dictatorship in Europe,' one woman, 27-year-old Nadezhda Gora (shown above), passes news of Bush's assassination to a table of women at a conference for Belarussian cashiers and produkty store clerks. After this photo was taken, the women exploded in cries and chest beating. 'He was such a kind, handsome man,' said Gora. 'He wanted to help the poor, to bring hope to the hopeless. They killed him because he was a peacemaker.'
Africa: Tears for 1st African Prez
Mourners in the Central African Republic capital Bangui wailed and cried for hours after news of Bush's death reached them by carrier pigeon. President Bush, who spearheaded a $15 billion campaign to fight AIDS in Africa, was hailed by Africans across the Dark Continent, in spite of the fact that almost none of the money was ever disbursed. 'The money isn't what is important, it's the man that matters to Africans,' said Jean-Pierre Mbetokai, 32, noting that many consider Bush to be the 'first African President.' Why? 'He doesn't like fancy dinners and all that formal Queen Elizabeth stuff,' said Mbetokai. 'He's just like an African. He likes fishing and hunting and telling good jokes.'
George W. Bush: A Guiding Light
By George F. Will
Not since those fateful shots in the Ford Theater in 1865 has the nation lost such a perspicuous leader to an assassin's bullets. But while George W. Bush's presumed second term was cut short because of a "freedom hater, "we must not allow the President's work to have been for naught.
This blow to our democracy -- a reminder every bit as poignant as 9/11 that we are surrounded by real enemies who desire only the destruction of America -- will serve only to make us more resolute as a nation, and as a people. This terrorist act was intended to destabilize the Bush administration, and by synechdotal extension, the nation as a whole. We must not allow this to happen. We are a nation at war, and we will not stop fighting until George Bush's vision is implemented. The tax cuts must go deeper, social security must be privatized, the UN must be disbanded, or at least France stripped of its seat on the Security Council. Anything less would be tantamount to allowing the narrow, primitive vision Bush's murderer to triumph over the grand vision of our deceased leader.
It is ironic that the Kerry campaign attempted to portray Bush as a deserter when, ultimately, it was Bush who willingly made the Ultimate Sacrifice for his people. Next to that, Sen. Kerry's Purple Hearts look very puerile indeed. One can only hope that Sen. Kerry will understand the country requires him to renounce his quest for the presidency for the sake of national unity. There are other ways we must honor the memory of our fallen president. The battle in what he so grandiloquently labeled "an unwinnable war" continues. Ever the visionary, Bush understood perfectly what we now know: it is unwinnable in the sense that every victory breeds more enemies. Without the insurgents, Iraq could not be liberated from the insurgency, which in turn begets more insurgents from which to be liberated. One is tempted to recall the "Ex-Cubs"theory, in which baseball pundits speculate that the team with the most ex-Cubs players will lose. If baseball is the heuristics of the geographical plane, then national politics is the eschatology of the geostrategic vector.
And now, at home there is an insidious enemy among us, one that does not accept this country's broad and deep conservative beliefs, one somehow lacking that innate sense of American decency and sincerity. Bush's success, even cut short, was so total that this internal enemy was forced into the open. There will be a time for commemorating the President with stamps and statues, monuments and memorials, but not now. There will be a time for "forty days"of national mourning, but now. There will be a time for presidential elections, but not now. Right now, a battle rages on, here in the heartland of America. Our mission is not yet "accomplished. "And until it is, the best tribute to our fallen hero-president is to stay the course.
The President is dead. It is up to us to ensure that he has not died in vain.