Elisabeth Kieselstein-Cord: Lovable Email Aficionado
Yesterday we pointed to an Observer article in which socialite-heiress-whatever Elisabeth Kieselstein-Cord made a comment identifying our mayor as Rudy Giuliani and, well, we were sorta nasty about it. You know, that's how we do things around here. Elisabeth, however, kindly sent us a copy of an email to Observer writer George Gurley that has to be the most awesomely-long rambling we've seen in a long time. When she writes, "I think that it might have been best to have the RNC anywhere from a school playground to Auschwischtz," you know you have something truly special on your hands. More genius after the jump.
From: Elisabeth Kieselstein-Cord To: Gawker CC: George Gurley Subject: GEORGE GURLEY, THE MAKES ME WANT TO HURL-Y SAYS TO SEND THIS TO YOU
Hi there,
the ever-nefarious george claims that his artivcle was sucked up by his editor too fast to make a correction. so he told me to send this to you and I told him to do something entirely different that really shouldn't be repeated. Don't know what you want with this - but here you go. Just call me the docile one, I suppose.
Best, Elisabeth Kieselstein-Cord
*************************************
Dear George.
Upon waking this morning (much earlier, of course), I realized in token horror and total lack of surprise, that I am still in the fragile recovery stages from years of of an uphill battle with Foot In Mouth Disease. I should not have been in proximity to a tape recorder- or perhaps, even roaming free at all, given my seemingly unstoppable ability to utter nonsense.
Before others are exposed to FID EKC* 9.0, please read the following:
In a bid to contain the resurgence of FID, I have selected the most up to the minute stupidity that I would like to recant.
Said up to the minute stupidity has been identified as the one most likely to have left you left you bouncing with thankyouthankyouthankyou -strewn glee. I am so in the habit of associating the sometime mayoral dictatorship with Giuliani - who, before he heroically yanked us out of the clutches of chaos in the time following 9/11, first garnered my wrath by issuing edicts that included taking artists and their wares of the streets, destroying both, in what I saw as a Totalitarian bid to make room for , "street furniture," (admittedly, this may have been massive foresight on his part, considering how the resulting open spaces could be more easily monitored for potential terrorist activity (other than his own), but I wasn't entirely convinced) that I even blamed him for this year's Republican Convention in NYC...(Rants and 'Blanket Blame' due to emotional, tangential, unexplained thought processes are classic symptoms of the return of full-blown FID.)
While it's sometimes a doozy to scapegoat Mr.Giuli (destructive and rhyming mantras - very worrisome), I am amazed that I missed the opportunity to thunk Bloomberg, Lord of Prohibition (feudal references - the FID is getting very dire, indeed) , over the head for this one, as he is in office (or what is more recently known as The Department of Corrections for Mormon Minors - and I'm not even a smoker, mind you).
Please eliminate this mental lapse moment (I wish that it had been Saturday Night Brain Fog, but my mental fatigue had more to do with my grandmother*) when I said that I thought New York's hosting of the RNC to be a less-than-stellar idea and then railed against Giuliani. To me, Giuliani is more of a metaphor or an adjective (as in Giuliani-esque) than an actual man. Of course, I didn't delve into this theory and understandably, it would appear your reader that, based on the (mis)quote in which I suggest that upon Bloomberg's election, Giuliani may have managed to hide in his desk drawer (and finagled to keep his day job upon videotaping someone with their bloomers down), I actually do live under a rock.
Now, we wouldn't want anyone knowing my address now, would we...? (References to rocks as domiciles are sadly commonplace in the world of FID. Those that suffer the illness do not originally reside under said clumps of earth, but they are later forced to climb under them to weather the resulting fall out of their dreadful commentaries. It's quite sad, really.)
In short, please refrain from doing me in any way shape or form, GDawg.
While keeping the notion that I think that it might have been best to have the RNC anywhere from a school playground to Auschwischtz, due to the simple fact that nearly any landscape is more condusive to the prevention security breaches than is the structure of a city such as New York, it would be appropriate to remove my misfiring point that it is vain of the mayor (in particular) to suppose that NY can handle the oncoming onslaught of politicos and the people who love them or despise them and to volunteer the city for such chaos. Similarly, my negative nancy notion of, "choosing the lesser of two evils," (at election time), would be removal-worthy, not only for its insulting quality, but also for its excruciating triteness.
It would be best if you either removed my interview all together, or at least if you did not include any comments that I made regarding the mayor or his office.
I'd be quite grateful for your gentlemanliness if you could do either and inform me of what you have come up with.
The above rambling wasn't necessary if you my friend, and I hope that you are.
If you are more of a barterer than a friend, I suppose that I could promise commentaries on as yet-to-be-determined future articles from which I would ordinarily run as fast as my little platforms could carry me. (Oh the agony of having to plan for future FID flare-ups!)
Perhaps you'll receive a future installments of Utter Nonsense by Elisabeth at no extra cost ,o anyway as a sort of lame reward for your kindness.
Do be kind, as living with FID is simply As sucky as sucky can be. (hee, hee)
Much Love and Best, Elisabeth Kieselstein-Cord
PS: Further implorations include bids for the following: no mention of society / social - lite, -butterfly, -doyenne, -darling,-humming bird, etc...please. No celebutante, model, debutante, watercolorist or (although they are one and the same) sociopath, either. Certainly no mention of being a Green Thumb (no relation to Tom or to the Beret or Tambourine clans ). Also, please eliminate the whole mandolin-teacher thing. However, you can always refer to me as, The Other White Meat.
PPS: You will be pleased with my upcoming rather educational project which has nothing to do with either parental units or fashion (and that I will hopefully complete, despite my rampant, flesh eating ADD - the mothership of FID). So please slow your roll if you are inclined to recommence making me sound as utterly useless as you might fancy me to be - in preparation for the rapidly approaching day on which I can give you tangible evidence otherwise. As we know, the only tangible evidence to my shining abilities up until now has been unfairly confiscated as child porn, which is quite frustrating, but you know how these things go....Sigh.
PPS:If in doubt, remember....I know where you live...and I know what you did last summer (and who) and actually, where they live and my momma knows where your momma lives, and so on and so on.....and so on....and ...........Mwahhahh!!!!!!!!
PPPS: Came home and got word that Mr. Hamm says that he would prefer Peter Pan for president. It's the sort of thing that makes me prefer Mr. Hamm for President.
** Grandmother exhibits no symptoms of FID and despite suffering fatal illness (which is largely what has sent me into a tailspin, and why I'd be particularly grateful if you removed my stinky comments) she remains frightfully well spoken.