PERIODIC TABLE OF THE TRANS-NIXONIAN ELEMENTS
Goldwater Also known as the Right Isotope of Phlogiston, suspected of creating all Trans-Nixonian Elements, including the lightweight Bushium Series (the Ignoble Gasbags), the hypermassive Neoconnium Series, and the deadly Devium Series.
Nixonium Heavyweight element with extremely long half-life, emits foul radiation, but not a member of the Neoconnium Series (see Neandroconnium Series, including Reaganium, Meesium, Mitchellium, Kissingerium and Wattium.)
Newtium Also known as Hostilium, was first publicly detected member of Neoconnium Series, though others were known to exist.
Neoconnium Emits an unknown form of radiation that causes voters to believe any lie, often found in deposits of Rovium, Rummium, Chenium, and Homophobium (no known techniques can separate these elements).
Bushium Lightest of all the Trans-Nixonian Elements, has no substance whatsoever,absorbs its characteristics from any Neoconnium Elements present, Bushium-2 isotope pre-emptively dangerous.
Rovium Also known as Devium, acts as a catalyst to coat all Non-Trans-Nixonian elements with destructive layer of Neoconnium, Chenium, or Rummium while masquerading as a benign element.
Rummium Member of Neoconnium Series, most massive and expensive of all Trans-Nixonian Elements ($87 billion per atom), will pre-emptively destroy all matter and energy if not properly shielded.
Condium Ineffective compared to total abstinence from pre-emptive wars, always found tightly bound to Bushium.
Chenium Usually found in undisclosed locations but often detected telling lies in public.
Colinium Orbits Neoconnium, Rummium, and Condium, but does not react except under extreme pressure.
Ashcroftium Member of the Devium Series, has room temperature superfluidic characteristics allowing it to ooze rapidly beneath existing laws, systematically destroying any rights it encounters.
Wolfium Also known as Naïvium, a member of the Bushium Series so lacking in substance it can pass through massive barriers of Truth, Reality, and Reason, causing massive destruction, effects amplified in presence of Devium.
Ridgium Another extreme lightweight in the Bushium Series, does nothing but change colors at random.
Rushium Noxious gas used primarily in Neoconic dirigibles, known to implode without warning.
Novakium Similar to Rushium, but leaks constantly through undetectable officials, always spins to the right.
Norquistium Abhors Taxium, completely destroyed in presence of Commonsensium, produced in the extreme right of reactors fueled by Neoconnium Elements.
Economicgrowthium Mythical element, long promised, never detected in presence of Neoconnium Elements.
Unemploymentium Decay product of Neoconnium, with an agonizingly long half-life.
WMDium Byproduct of fusion of Neoconnium and Saddamium, exists only for nanoseconds, breaks down into Angrium and VoterRevoltium.
Schwarzeneggerium Expands to huge volumes, totally vacuous, almost as lightweight as Bushium,appears to be everything to everybody, but no one can recall any use for it. Although not yet identified as a member of the Neoconnium Series, it may be a decay product of Rovium.
Halliburtium Attracts any government funding in its vicinity, invisible to public scrutiny,identifiable only by disgusting oily trail after passage through vicinity.
Enronium Hypermassive element, absorbs all money from all sources, then disappears in a blinding flash, leaving only deadly Devium and Chenium isotopes as evidence of its existence (Bushium-2 gas rises to the top.
Newbridgium Formed by fusing decay products of Neoconnium Elements, impervious to all elements except Trans-Nixonians.
Saddamium Has been sighted but not isolated.
Osamium Would like to find this element, but forget why.
Periodic Chart of Trans-Nixonian Elements © 2003 Steven T. Birchall, DMA