Date: Mon, 27 Sep 2004 05:06:38 -0700 (PDT) From: andie nachgeborenen <andie_nachgeborenen at yahoo.com> Subject: Comments On Kinky Sex To: doug henwood <dhenwood at panix.com>
The following (somewhat extensive) comments about kinky sex -- the author prefers the term "pistachio" sex, to contrast with "vanilla" sex, were written by a woman -- call her Fay -- who has had experience with this sort of relationship both as a submissive and as a dominant. She followed the list's discussion about the activities and was inspired or provoked to write the comments, which she offers for discussion.
* * *
Here are some general comments about the topic of BDSM (bondage/domination/sadism/masochism). I don't pretend to be totally comprehensive or speak for every single person who has an interest or experience in this sort of activity, but I think it's a pretty representative summary of how most people who participate in or write about the area view it.
First, I think it's interesting that your discussion seems to have centered on the "S" in that acronym and that one of your list members has pointedly identified himself as a sadist. This is obviously a heavily loaded term, and one that seems to be used especially frequently when an individual who identifies himself or herself with the "community" wants to get people to focus on the topic in a very involved way (which does seem to have happened in your group). This seems to me similar to how gays sometimes use the words "Queer" and "Dyke" when engaging in activities designed to attract attention to issues of importance to them by stirring up emotions of the public at large. (As with the words "Queer" or "Dyke," terms such as "Sadist," "Masochist" or "Pervert" also are used in an ironic way by people who associate themselves with the group, in what seems an attempt to co-opt the language used by people who would condemn such activities and thus to rob it of its power.) However, if one really probes into the psyche of the "sadist" who successfully engages in BDSM activities with other people, it is almost always the case the attributes possessed (empathy, desire to take care of and please the partner, responsiveness to the partner's reactions, highly developed sense of responsibility) are the opposite of those which might be expected from the sociopathic implications of the dictionary definition.
I gather that most of your discussion has been on how weird it seems to have the infliction of pain be considered a reasonable sexual activity. This makes sense since the basic concept of "Avoid Pain" is an essential component of any living creature's (or species') survival. However, in almost all BDSM relationships (even if they last for only a few hours), it's the dominance/submission component that's the key; the "sadomasochistic" aspect occurs only as a subset of the overall dynamic. It therefore seems right to discuss the D/S mentality first before focusing in on the S/M part.
Of course, dominance also is an emotionally loaded word, especially for people who identify with feminist or leftist ideology. However, in this realm we're not talking about traditional dominance (e.g. as defined by Marx) but situations where one person not only willingly but gratefully gives up control (within spoken or unspoken limits) to another person in order to obtain sexual or emotional pleasure or satisfaction. This is consensual dominance/submission. (Nonconsensual D/S---also known as "rape" or "abuse"---is condemned at least as strongly by people who participate in BDSM activities as by the rest of society.) For most people who have questions about the morality of this type of relationship therefore, the question is really why anyone would gladly (because reluctant submission counts as abuse too) give up control in this way to another person. Do people who submit get something truly positive from the relationship? Or are they (as the word "masochist" sometimes may be thought to imply) acting in a manner that is contrary to their general well-being?
One way to address this question is to think about the reasons that people tend to cite for deciding to engage in activities where they submit themselves to another individual. Here is a non-comprehensive list of some common themes that tend to come up.
* Heightened Suspense, Excitement and Intensity
Compared to ordinary "vanilla" sex, D/S sex (or "pistachio" sex) tends to involve a much wider and more varied range of sensations. The spicy stimuli (e.g. the sting of a hand across the buttocks) are in many cases designed to contrast with the sweet (e.g., the wafting of a feather or piece of fur over the genitals or overall body), thus providing a more intense and interesting experience than one could obtain through 10 minutes of intercourse (or even extended oral sex plus 30 minutes of intercourse) without such prior play. In addition, the submissive often is purposely sexually frustrated through lengthy stimulation, meaning that orgasm is likely to be particularly intense when it is finally allowed. Not knowing what might happen next also can be very attractive for many submissives, particularly those who have active minds and tend to get distracted or bored easily (in general as well during sex).
* Feeling of Belonging To and Being Taken Care Of
Undoubtedly the word "belonging" also will bring up some negative associations (e.g., the history of slavery or the traditional thought that women are their husbands' property) for some people. However, "belonging" can also have a very positive connotation. For example, in Maslow's hierarchy of psychological needs, it's positioned just one rung above the absolute basics of food, shelter, clothing and safety. In addition to consent, a key factor that would seem relevant to whether "belonging" is considered to be "good" or "bad" is whether the outcome of it is better than that which would be experienced by being "free." Submissives seek out pistachio sex because it involves a journey that is far more mentally and physically stimulating and ultimately more satisfying than they would obtain either on their own (i.e., through masturbation) or in a vanilla sexual relationship. In addition, the fact that the dominant obviously put effort and attention into making the experience a success demonstrates that s/he really cares about the submissive's well-being and that s/he both understands and accepts the specifics of the submissive's sexuality. (A good dominant tends to probe the fantasies and turn-ons of the submissive in order to make the experience a more exciting and pleasurable one, with the discussions adding to the sexual charge and emotional intimacy present in the relationship.) In addition, a submissive who gives himself or herself entirely to the dominant and finds that a positive outcome results tends to naturally experience increased trust in him or her, and this can carry over to future emotional as well as sexual interactions within the relationship.
* Don't Think---Feel
Especially for people who live disproportionately in their heads, it can be difficult to stop thinking (and perhaps to stop worrying) during times of sexual intimacy. Relinquishing control to a trusted dominant can be helpful in solving this problem, making the submissive more able to relax and enjoy whatever sensations come his or her way. This may be especially true if the sensations are relatively intense, as is the case in many BDSM interactions.
* Do the Right Thing
Erich Fromm's "Escape from Freedom" (aka "Fear of Freedom") is a classic psychological work describing the anxiety that "free" people who face a multitude of choices with uncertain outcomes can feel. For men especially, the question of whether the partner is being pleased (and thus whether one is being a "good lover") is often of major concern during vanilla sex. However, a person who has relinquished control during sex does not have to worry about being a good lover. He or she only needs to submit as deeply as possible the dominant's expressed wishes, which can seem a far easier task.
In some cases this dynamic is extended outside the metaphorical bedroom, with the dominant issuing rules or instructions on non-sexual as well as sexual matters (e.g., "If you call me, make sure that I have time and am in the mood to talk before launching into a conversation"). This can be especially attractive for individuals who are unsure about how to best behave in various situations, including those who believe their social skills could be better or who aren't sure how best to manage their own emotions. For example, in the movie "Secretary," the James Spader character instructs his assistant (later his lover) that rather than cutting her thighs with a razor blade when she is feeling upset, she is to take a long walk. In addition to providing clear direction, the following of such "rules" (provided that they are constructive or at worst harmless) can serve as a constant reminder that the dominant cares about the submissive's well-being--with the young woman in "Secretary" commenting in a voice-over that she felt that her boss was with her as she strolled through a park, for instance.
Some dominant/submissive relationships include punishments when such rules or instructions are not carefully followed, although the overall rule that no undesired pain should be inflicted still applies. In the movie "Secretary," for example, the female character obviously gets a great deal of pleasure from the spankings that are ostensibly given as "punishments" for poorly typed letters. (Predictably, these so-called punishments do not rectify the behavior--to the contrary, the young woman starts to purposely make typos in the hope of getting spanked again. A dominant who really wants to correct a behavior is probably better off choosing a different sort of punishment such as one that involves boredom, as in the prototypical "clean the bathroom floor with a toothbrush.")
* Shed Your Inhibitions
Although it would seem that people who would consider pistachio sex are already relatively uninhibited, taking on the submissive role can allow them to become even more open to new experiences. For instance, many heterosexual men are somewhat squeamish about the idea of anal penetration but come to find it to be an especially erotic and intimate experience once they are slowly introduced to it. (Of course, all such activities need to be discussed in advance, to ensure that they do not make the submissive feel truly upset and that they are pursued in a way that is within the submissive's comfort zone. While the dominant may choose to be relatively firm in asserting his or her authority---stating, for instance, "This week I want to try spanking you a bit with my new wooden hairbrush"---and the submissive may really want to try to do whatever the dominant suggests, the provision needs to be in place that the submissive is required to state clearly if anything makes him or her feel emotional or physical distress and that no punishment will result from conveying this information. Otherwise, again, the relationship moves into the area of emotional abuse.)
**
Interestingly, a number of these cited "benefits" make it seem as though the dominant is serving the submissive rather than the reverse. To some extent it is necessary that this be true, since a dominant who does not create a good experience for the submissive is unlikely to retain the submissive's happy participation. Taking the responsibility for this is a relatively challenging and often fairly time-consuming activity, which probably at least partially explains why people who are interested in submissive activities tend to be much more common than those attracted to the dominant role. (Of those people who do enjoy playing the dominant, many are switches---meaning they also take pleasure in submission on occasion or have done so in the past. Folk wisdom suggests that while not all good dominants start as submissives, many find that having had that experience at least on occasion allows them to better understand how the feelings of their own submissives and therefore to construct more enjoyable and rewarding experiences for them.)
In addition to creating a satisfying experience for the submissive, a good dominant in a personal (rather than a "professional") relationship needs to make sure that s/he is enjoying the experience as much as the submissive is. Maintaining this balance can be a bit tricky, thus providing a further explanation why dominants in general (and skilled dominants in particular) tend to be relatively rare. However, the dominant role does have a number of advantages that can make it a worthwhile one to master, especially for a person who has gained some experience with D/S relationships from the other side. Some of the benefits most commonly cited are as follows.
* High Sense of Control and Power
The essence of the dominant role is to assume total control (or as much control as desired) over the sexual experience as well as, in some cases, certain other behaviors of the submissive. This high degree of control comes with a good deal of responsibility, but it nonetheless can be very attractive for some people. (The fact that dominants tend to be especially likely to value control over their environments has an important side benefit in that they are more likely, for instance, to have equipment readily available at all times and to ensure that handcuff keys aren't lost.) Many dominants who feel frustrated that maintaining control in the "real world" takes a constant struggle may achieve gratification when the submissive follows commands without question or argument. Other dominants like the sense of victory they experience when they succeed in "taming" a slightly more unruly submissive.
* Exercise Creativity.
Being a dominant is similar to being the writer, director and leading actor in a play all at once. Creative talent can be very useful in keeping the experience fresh and exciting for both partners. In addition, the process of searching for or developing new equipment, clothing, techniques and activities tends to make the D/S enterprise take on the quality of being a hobby, and this can prove to be an enjoyable diversion for some people to pursue on their own, with the submissive, or with others who have similar interests.
* Ensured Sexual Gratification
If nothing else, a good dominant has the ability to make sure that his or her own sexual needs and desires are fully satisfied. For instance, a female dominant who needs or wants an hour of oral sex before reaching climax may feel more assured of getting it whenever she likes in a pistachio relationship than she would in a vanilla one, even if her partner were the same person. (This may be especially true if she arranges things so that her excited submissive is unable to have an orgasm of his or her own until satisfying the dominant, but should be the case regardless if the relationship is going well.) A male dominant in an ongoing D/S relationship can feel okay about demanding a quick blow job or fuck whenever he likes, regardless of whether he has time to reciprocate on that particular occasion. (Of course, here as elsewhere, the dominant is responsible for taking the submissive's overall well-being into account when issuing such instructions, and the submissive should feel free to alert him or her to any relevant concerns such as a bad headache or the need to leave for an appointment.) In a well-functioning relationship, such activities may be extremely exciting and rewarding for submissives even if (or especially if) they wouldn't ordinarily be inclined to do them, since this sort of compliance demonstrates in a concrete way how strongly committed they are to pleasing the dominant and how deeply they feel themselves to belong to him or her. In addition, if one person feels free to command the other to put aside other activities for a while whenever s/he chooses, the amount of sex that they have may increase substantially. Considering that a major problem for many couples is that one or both partners get so caught up in other things that they neglect to make the time to have sex even if they both might find it enjoyable, this has the potential of improving the quality of the relationship as well as the individuals' overall life satisfaction.
* Give Pleasure to the Submissive
This statement may seem odd since the dictionary definition of a sadist is someone who enjoys giving pain to another person. The sort of "pain" administered in the BDSM realm, however, is of a very certain kind--basically a highly intensified version of sensations that most people would naturally find sexually stimulating. It is hard to imagine kicking someone in the shin to be an activity that would be successfully used in a BDSM relationship, for example. (Certainly, some people seek out such "pure pain" experiences, but I have yet to hear of an instance where they resulted in anything close to the positive experience that the sort of relationship described here is designed to provide. Perhaps more typical is the disturbed woman played by Isabel Huppert in the rather chilling movie "The Piano Teacher," who insists that an admirer do such things as punch her in the stomach but afterwards is even more unhappy than before.) On the other hand, activities such as biting rather than licking the nipples or spanking rather than stroking the bottom are designed to deliver to recipients a "pleasure-pain" combination that can be highly arousing, especially when alternated with other purely pleasurable sensations. If the submissive does not experience increased pleasure simultaneously with (or in some cases, as with a hard spanking, shortly following the cessation of) the pain, most BDSM practitioners label it as being "bad" and move on to other activities. The dominant thus uses "pain" not as an end in and of itself, but rather as a means to the end goal of providing an especially exciting and satisfying experience for the submissive. Succeeding at doing this can be extremely fulfilling for the dominant, especially if s/he has a strong general desire to make a positive difference in the world.
**
As a result of these and other benefits to both the dominant and the submissive, "pistachio" relationship often are especially sexually fulfilling as well as emotionally close. While much of the media coverage and literature in the area tends to focus on either the community "scene" (in which relationships between partners may be short or nonexistent) or on "pro-dommes" (women who receive money in exchange for serving as responsible dominants), this seems likely to be because those people are easily found. Couples who engage in such activities on their own are frequently very reticent about talking about the subject (both because they consider it to be a especially intimate area of their relationship and because they fear being judged by others), and thus may be much more common than is generally recognized.
Certainly, people can get satisfaction through BDSM sex with people they don't know well or with professionals, just as they can with vanilla sex in one-night stands or with prostitutes. However, in a variety of ways pistachio sex seems to lend itself to being conducted within an ongoing and caring relationship, for a number of reasons. It's a particularly intense sexual experience, and thus can feel more emotionally comfortable when the partner is an intimate rather than a relative stranger. In addition, an ongoing relationship allows the dominant to do a better job of satisfying the submissive by learning to read his or her reactions and by gradually introducing new activities or techniques. Also, both the dominant and the submissive may feel a sense of emotional satisfaction from knowing that they are not just playing a role but instead really care about one another's well-being.
In ongoing pistachio relationships, people may choose to structure their activities in a variety of different ways depending on what feels right for them. For instance, while in some relationships the submissive and dominant roles are always taken by the same individuals, in others the partners may switch back and forth on an occasional or regular basis. Couples who tend to stick more with the same roles over time may assume them only during occasions when sex is the primary focus, may remain in them on a more constant basis with regard to sexual relations, or may extend the dynamic to non-sexual areas of the relationship.
The latter two relationships are often labeled by the participants as "master-slave" or "mistress-slave," although it is perhaps important to note that this is a very different type of slavery than has been described by Hegel, Marx or other scholars. "Slaves" in the economic world do not have any real ability to stop being slaves, either because a law requires them to remain in their positions or because they would be unable to support themselves or their families if they abandoned their roles. On the other hand, individuals who serve as submissives or "slaves" in the BDSM realm almost never suffer from a lack of opportunities to be in sexual or romantic relationships in which the partners are considered equal. Rather, people who are interested in being BDSM slaves generally need to go to a great deal of trouble to find a master or mistress who is as appealing as partners they could easily find for a vanilla relationship, due to the problems that people interested in the submissive role are far more numerous than those interested in the dominant one and that many potential dominants will not admit their interest until they get to know someone well enough to really trust him or her. Thus, it usually can be assumed that if someone is acting as a slave in a pistachio relationship, s/he really wants to be playing that role for its own sake rather than to get other benefits that come with being in a relationship.
In addition, couples who often employ the dominant/submissive paradigm may choose to have purely "egalitarian" interactions on occasion, with the novelty providing much them with much more enjoyment than if they had been doing only that all along. (An example of how emotionally powerful and satisfying "regular" sex can be after a couple has developed a sense of intimacy and trust through the intensity of a kinkier relationship is presented in "Une Liasison Pornographique," a French film featuring Sergi Lopez and the lovely 50-something actress Nathalie Baye that was renamed "An Affair of Love" for the American market.)
As implied earlier, the structure of such relationships needs to be not only agreeable but exciting to both partners. While some experimentation is obviously necessary for many people in order to determine what does and doesn't feel right, a person (dominant or submissive) who tries to persuade the partner to do something that is unappealing is unlikely to profit as a result. Much more so than in the realm of vanilla sex, both partners in BDSM relationships need to be enthusiastic about all of the activities that are taking place. Otherwise the D/S dynamic (and perhaps the relationship in general) will fall apart very quickly.
**
Certainly, the appropriateness of any dominance/submission activities (such as tying the partner to the bed and then having traditional sex) can be debated from an intellectual point of view. However, even people who find the D/S dynamic inherently exciting may be perplexed with regard to why such things as pain or humiliation might prove to be sexually satisfying. While D/S relationships absolutely do not need to include those components to be enjoyable, there are several reasons that many people find that they can make such play more rewarding.
Humiliation in this context can be loosely defined as a situation where the submissive agrees to do something that s/he would ordinarily avoid because of embarrassment or pride. A classic example of this is having the submissive kneel and kiss the boot or shoe of the dominant. A man might be ordered to wear panties under his business suit, or a woman an unaccustomedly low-cut dress to a public function. In another common scenario, the naked submissive masturbates himself or herself to orgasm under the observation and direction of the fully-clothed dominant.
As with the words "sadism" and "masochism," the use of the word "humiliation" in this context does not have quite the same meaning that dictionary definitions imply. As with everything else in the pistachio relationship, the end goal is to make the submissive feel better (which is the opposite of what would be expected to occur if humiliation were experienced in an ordinary context). Complying with such requests should make the submissive feel more deeply that s/he has fully ceded control to the dominant (a positive thing since it can increase feelings of belonging, relaxation, etc., as described above).
This tangible evidence that the submissive will indeed do whatever is asked of him or her also serves to increase the feelings of control and therefore the satisfaction of the dominant. Of course, since the dominant has accepted responsibility for the well-being of the submissive, such requests should be designed so that they don't end up producing a negative outcome for the submissive even if they are challenging to follow. A female submissive should not be commanded to wear inappropriately revealing clothing to work since that might damage her future earning potential, for instance. As always, negatively affecting the submissive's general well-being will ultimately result in a negative outcome for the dominant as well, if for no other reason than that it will result in the submissive's being less enthusiastic about continuing the D/S relationship into the future.
Another benefit of this kind of play is that it has the potential of lowering the barriers between dominant and submissive and of decreasing any nonfunctional inhibitions that the submissive might be harboring. For instance, the "humiliating" task of masturbating in front of the dominant may result in a submissive's feeling closer to her partner as well as more natural about the overall concept of masturbation. A man who is "forced" to wear women's underwear may become more aware of his own feminine side and more fully accepting of men who cross-dress voluntarily. A woman who is commanded by her lover to wear more revealing clothes in public and feels turned on when she does so may start to feel that her body is sexy and attractive regardless of what society suggests are its faults. A man who feels pressure to maintain his dignity at work and with friends may feel better about his undignified inner self after revealing a bit of it by kneeling in front of his Mistress and kissing her boots. In many cases such activities will eventually begin to feel to the submissive relatively natural rather than humiliating, meaning that increased self-acceptance has been instilled.
More controversial is the topic of verbal humiliation, the acceptability of which depends both on the type and the feelings of the people involved. A dominant who uses words to underline the submissive status of his or her partner (for instance, by calling her "Slave" rather than her given name or by giggling while he models a tutu) is acting in a way that is usually thought to be appropriate to the role being played, for instance. Pointing out perceived problems in the submissive's behaviors also seems to be within the purview of this sort of relationship, although the extent to which this is done and the tone that is used may be modified if the submissive is particularly sensitive to criticism. Insults and name-calling tend to be used much more carefully if at all by successful dominants, however. While such remarks can be effective at quickly putting the submissive in his or her place and may often have no more negative impact than does teasing in other kinds of relationships, the vulnerability and intensity already inherent in the situation makes the danger that they will make the submissive feel bad long into the future (and thus damage the D/S relationship) an important factor to keep in mind.
Like humiliation, the delivery of physical pain serves as a way to concretely demonstrate the extent to which the submissive has given himself or herself up to the will and desires of the dominant. As a result, the submissive may be experience a greater degree of relaxation and sense of "belonging," while the dominant may feel a greater sense of control over the situation.
In addition, the "spicy-sweet" nature of spanking or other pain delivered in a BDSM context is for many people very arousing, especially when it is alternated with more purely pleasurable sensations. (While not everyone finds such pain to be sexually enjoyable on first exposure, many find that it becomes increasingly so after they have experienced it on a couple of occasions in conjunction with other erotic activities. Observations that the Pavlovian association frequently sets in very fast and that this often happens even amongst people who haven't fantasized much about BDSM activities in the past suggests that, like enjoyment of anal penetration, this may be an innate sexual response that is shared by the population as a whole even if many people never explore the sensations and are thus unaware that they might enjoy them.)
Submissives also state that they find the journey of experiencing a wide variety of different sensations during an S/M session to be particularly engaging and rewarding. (It is for this reason that a couple pursuing a BDSM relationship may acquire a wide variety of paddles, crops, canes or whips, with each providing a slightly different sensation on the submissive's bottom. Other stimuli such as fur, ice, brushes, clamps, warm wax, silk scarves and vibrators may contribute additional interest value. Interestingly, pistachio relationships tend to incorporate a far wider variety of purely pleasant stimuli than vanilla ones into the sexual experience, in part because submissives learn to crave a wide variety of stimuli and dominants become accustomed to thinking creatively about how to provide it.) In addition, even mild pain can make the sexual experience feel much more intense, thus causing submissives to stop thinking about other things and relax into fully experiencing whatever physical sensations or emotional feelings they encounter.
Like athletes who try to run farther or faster than they have in the past or than others do, some submissives like to test themselves by seeing how much pain they can take. However, most people involved in S/M activities see the pain as a means to the end goals of sexual satisfaction, increased feelings of intimacy between the partners, relaxation or other noncompetitive emotional benefits. Thus, the "optimal" amount of pain is that which proves to be the most satisfying. In some instances a few mild smacks is more than enough to accomplish this, whereas in others much deeper stimuli (perhaps heavy enough to cause welts and bright colors to appear) is desired.
The amount of stimulation that is optimal can be affected by a variety of factors, including the submissive's pain tolerance (which can vary from day to day) and the intensity of the experience desired by both the submissive and the dominant. Noteworthy is the fact that submissives are far more likely than dominants to suggest that the intensity of the pain be increased in future sessions. While some dominants do prefer to deliver relatively strong stimulation on some or all occasions, their real goal almost always is to create a deeper experience for the submissive and a potentially increased feeling of intimacy between the partners.
Regardless of how light or strong the "play" may be, the S/M activities that are being described here (and that are practiced by what most people who know something about this area consider to be responsible participants) present almost no physical danger to the submissive. This is because the type of pain that produces sexual pleasure is invariably not the kind which has the potential of causing real harm. For example, the buttocks, which tend to be the most common site where pain is given, are basically impervious to injury. Shoulders also have a good deal of muscle and thus are sometimes whipped, with the resulting sensation having similar effects to a deep massage in terms of promoting relaxation. Nipples also are made to hold up under large amounts of stress (for instance, so that women can continue breast-feeding even after their children begin to teethe), making nipple clamps safe when used for moderate lengths of time. More adventurous players sometimes lightly use whips or other implements on areas such as breasts, thighs and genitals, since these areas are full of nerve endings and respond strongly to even very mildly painful touch. CBT (cock-and-ball torment, where the dominant does things like lightly scratch the male submissive's genitals) also is somewhat popular, due to the fact that this area is very sensitive but (for functional reasons) not terribly easily damaged. On the other hand, since bones and organs are more vulnerable to injury, the rest of the body (such as the abdomen, head and limbs) is almost always considered off-limits with regard to all but the most superficial pain (such as temperature play with ice or warm wax, tickling, or prickly sensations). Constriction (through the use of such things as intricately tied ropes or corsets) also can be used on all areas of the body (except the neck, of course).
This is a fairly short list, but nonetheless accounts for almost all of the pain-play in which responsible BDSM participants engage. As stated earlier, there of course are some people who call themselves BDSM players but who go way outside these limits---for example, by making an agreement to have one partner break the other's bones or punch his or her face. Whether this should deemed immoral or made illegal can be discussed from a philosophical point of view, just as topics such as capital punishment, assisted suicide or late-term abortion frequently are discussed. However, these outliers do not seem to have the same motivations as do typical BDSM participants, and their activities do not seem to promote the feelings of sexual satisfaction and emotional contentment that are the end goal of other BDSM relationships. Thus, it seems appropriate to leave these cases out of this general discussion of the topic.
The one issue that people in the BDSM community seem to debate the most is the breaking of the submissive's skin. A small minority of dominants who seem to fit into the BDSM category in other ways do sometimes draw blood, usually through the intense usage of certain types of whips. However, the majority of even "heavy players" make a particular effort not to break the skin, primarily because they want to avoid the risk of infection, scarring, or the spread of AIDS or other diseases. Some dominants also feel that this activity is "icky" in a way that other BDSM ones are not. In addition, while most other marks left during BDSM activities fade away in a few hours or days (if not minutes), even minor cuts can take a relatively long time to heal. This is undesirable for a variety of reasons, including the fact that it can limit the potential for further "play sessions" in the near future.
In any event, engaging in BDSM in the manner advocated by those knowledgeable in the field presents little risk of lasting harm to the submissive. While mishaps may occur, they tend to be far less common than is the case with other activities in which people participate with society's wholehearted approval (e.g. running, weightlifting, skiing, basketball, aerobics, bicycling) or acceptance (mountain-climbing, skydiving, boxing, football, rollerblading). As with all activities, a high percentage of mistakes tend to be made by people who are inexperienced with an activity and haven't made an effort to learn how to pursue it in an appropriate way. Fortunately, the sorts of injuries that occur within the area of BDSM sex are almost always very mild even when mistakes are made. For instance, although dominants are generally very meticulous with regard to exactly where on the submissive's body the whip lands, it is very unlikely that even a hard stroke that hits the wrong place will result in anything more harmful than a cut or bruise that heals itself relatively quickly.
Much more potent is the emotional effect that the combination of vulnerability and intensity can have on the submissive. It is very important that the submissive not feel that s/he is in danger of being really harmed or be so overwhelmed with stimuli that the experience starts to feel upsetting rather than calming, since this will ultimately lead away from the benefits that the experience is designed to provide for both partners. Especially during the time that pain is being administered, the dominant needs to remain acutely aware of the submissive's reactions and to take steps to remedy the situation if s/he starts to become overstimulated or "freaked out." (The book and subsequent movie "9 1/2 Weeks," which is unfortunately viewed by many members of the general public as describing a typical BDSM relationship, describes perfectly what is likely to happen if the dominant does not take this approach. The character played in the movie by Mickey Rourke never asks his submissive about her feelings with regard to anything that's happening between them, makes it clear that she is never to object to anything that he chooses to do, and rapidly increases the intensity of both the physical pain administered and the emotional surrender demanded. As might be expected, the character played by Kim Basinger quickly becomes overwhelmed and thus leaves the relationship after a few months.)
One thing to note is that even when pain is delivered in appropriate manner, submissives sometimes have unexpectedly emotional reactions to the experience. A dramatic but prototypical example is the individual who feels good during the time that s/he is being spanked, but then spends the rest of the evening sobbing or trembling. Although on the surface this may seem like a bad thing, psychotherapeutic theory suggests that in many cases it is an indication that deeply buried traumatic feelings are being released and that psychological progress is thus being made. This type of reaction is much more likely to occur in a BDSM sexual relationship than in most other situations people tend to encounter, since the deep stimulation of muscle tissue through a spanking (especially when accompanied by the emotional vulnerability, intimacy and intensity typical of the BDSM experience) can cause the individual to relax and let go in an unaccustomed manner. (Deep-tissue massage, anal penetration and stimulation of the female G-spot also frequently produce this sort of emotional release.) During the sort of cathartic emotional reaction described here, the submissive will generally feel okay about the scene itself and about the dominant (in many cases having a strong desire to remain close to and be comforted by him or her), will be puzzled by the emotional state or feel it to be a good thing, and be eager to pursue further such experiences at some point in the future.
**
As stated earlier, these comments are not intended to be inclusive of the entire BDSM experience. It is intended only to be a fairly accurate summary of the most important information I have gained thus far as a result of my own experiences as both a dominant and submissive, my discussions with other people who have participated in pistachio activities, and my reading on the subject. My understanding of this subject is still evolving, however. I therefore welcome any and all comments from people who have experience in the area as well as, of course, those who are just beginning to learn about it.
__________________________________ Do you Yahoo!? Yahoo! Mail - 50x more storage than other providers! http://promotions.yahoo.com/new_mail