• After Bush's second inauguration, it is reported that many Democrats are suffering from a condition akin to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. As a result the pharmaceutical industry rushes a new antidepressant to market -- Republizac: The drug causes Democrats to smile like happy imbeciles as they roll over for far-right-wing appointments and legislation without a fight nor even a whimper of complaint. It is later reported that the leadership of the Democratic Party has been medicated on a test version of the drug for many years...and the side effects are plain for everyone to see.
• The thriving pharmaceutical companies will become the benefactors of the under-funded public education system: As a result, public schools will begin to be named after the popular products marketed by their benefactors. Example: The Ritalin Way Elementary School.
• After an American company mucked-up the flu vaccine supply and the United States government implemented a convoluted reversal on its ban of drug imports from Canada, and then scrambled to acquire 40 million doses of vaccine, scientists predict a record mild flu season. Embarrassed by all the controversy, President Bush orders the Department of Homeland Security to release influenza virus on all domestic flights thereby creating the threat of an epidemic and ensuring the hard-won vaccine inventory will be utilized.
• The last remaining blockbuster drug on the prescription market, Viagra, is found to be associated with fatal heart attacks in males during sex. Fearing the FDA will ban its use, men across America band together for the first time ever to fight for the right to choose. "It's my body and I have a right to do what I want with it, even if it kills me," says the recent Viagra convert and new Pfizer spokesman, Newt Gingrich.
• In other pharmaceutical related news: A vial of Steroids will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
• The FBI under Alberto Gonzales will vigilantly prosecute those responsible for outing Valerie Plame, those outed for rigging the election for Bush, and of course, Kenneth Lay; all other evil people in the world will turn themselves in peaceably.
• The new, compassionate conservative head of the Environmental Protection Agency introduces the "No Salmon Left Behind" and "No Forest Left Behind" Acts. However, after the release of the 2004 education statistics, the EPA decides it is probably not prudent to document the demise of species, and the acts are quietly shelved.
• The State Department announces new language guidelines to replace some of the highly charged words that have been bandied about as of late. Genocide will now be described as "Persuading Non-believers to Accept our Values." Global Warming will be referred to as "Pre-Rapture Thaw-Out," and nuclear war, "Rapid Jesus Delivery System."
• It is revealed that Dick Cheney will retire before the end of the second Bush term and has already began working on his autobiography -- with the aid of a prominent horror novelist as ghostwriter (rumored to be Steven King) -- tentatively titled: "The Rise Of Cheney: Dick Of The Living Dead.
• Electronic voting machines revolt against the slander that they were used by Republicans to rig the 2004 election and the machines claim the actual winner -- and rightful president -- was: one of their own, an electronic voting machine...with second place going to a write-in candidate -- a toaster oven.
• Wal*Mart teams up with Diebold to make sure that every sales transaction world wide -- and more -- is counted, and that union votes (where applicable in the heavens) are handled fairly.
• The Democrats and the Greens decide to join forces to create one cohesive, ineffectual political party to take a stab at the 2008 presidential election, with Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw identified as the most likely figures to resonate authority with the American people. "Divided we Stand, United we Fall" is their slogan, under DGNC Party leader Howard Dean. "Demgreens don't stand no chance," the Red States snicker.
• Hillary Clinton decides to run for president when a poll comes out showing she's universally despised on the right /and/ the left, and Donna Brazile tells her "that's exactly what it takes to become president."
• Democrats will move to center, causing democratic centrists to move to right. In order to compensate, the Republican right will move further to right...causing Democrats to move closer to center so they won't be labeled out-of-touch leftists, and this will allow Republicans to move further to right. This cycle continues until Santorum (or is it Sanatorium?), Scalia, and DeLay are all declared dangerously left-wing ideologues and purged from power by a race of carnivorous, extraterrestrial reptiles who have been watching the drift of the US political system for years, were impressed with what they saw, and decided it was time for us to join their "League of Intergalactic Space Predators." At the induction ceremony, Dick Cheney's face splits opens, his skin falls away, and it is revealed that he was a flesh-eating space reptile all along. In thanks for their services, George W. Bush, his cabinet, members of Congress, and the Supreme Court are given the highest honor accorded to members of a lesser species -- they are ritually eaten by the reptilian brotherhood.
(continues...)
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