New York, New York. Tuesday, March 22, 2005, After 25,000 hits in 24 hours, Online Auction Site Protects America's Most Revered Institution from Scheming Robber Barons
Washington D.C. March 24, 2005 -- eBay, the famous online auction site, has struck a blow against plutocracy by barring Billionaires For Bush (B4B), advocates for the corporate elite, from auctioning off Social Security to Wall Street. To the shock and dismay of the Billionaires, eBay was unwilling to make an exception to its long-standing practice of requiring auctioneers to actually own the items they wish to sell.
"This is an outrage!" insisted Monet Oliver de Place, National Co-Chair. "Our understanding with President Bush was that we'd be able to loot trillions of dollars from the taxpayers. What better way to start the process than auctioning off the retirement of non-Billionaire Americans? The fact that the money belongs to them, not us, is merely a technicality."
In clear violation of the auction's spirit of corporate cronyism, everyday American citizens, including Pennsylvania Rep. Marc B. Cohen, registered , and openly bid on the item, claiming to represent the best interests of the American people.
Representative Cohen (D) of the Pennsylvania House of Representatives bid $24 billion dollars for the program on behalf of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, to be paid in installments of $1,000,000 a year for 24,000 years. "I think that's the kind of advance planning and elegant mathematics that President Bush loves," Rep. Cohen wrote. "Let's see if anyone dares come up with a better offer than this." (To see the screen shot of the final bid, read the ensuing Q & A as well as Rep. Cohen's full statement go to: <http://billionairesforbush.com/>).
It has been a trying month for the Billionaires. While disappointed that President Bush's carefully staged "conversations" with hand-picked audiences failed to convince the American public that privatizing Social Security is a good thing for Main Street, the Billionaires expected Wall Street firms to openly tout President Bush's brokerization scheme as just reward for their $36 million in campaign donations in support of the president's reelection last year. However, to the dismay of the B4B, Wall Street decided to lobby quietly behind the scenes.
Unaccustomed to such political stumbling blocks, the Billionaires decided to cut out the middleman (a.k.a. George W. Bush). Inspired by their visions of trucks delivering taxpayer money directly to Wall Street, B4B offered Social Security to the first privately held brokerage firm that could meet their reserve. Anticipating logistical issues, the Billionaires were intentionally clear in their language: "Employees of the government, their families, any American who actually needs Social Security (or will one day in the future) are not eligible to bid -- but those Americans will remain eligible to pay for the services of the many brokerage houses that will manage their private accounts."
The Billionaires' uncharacteristic string of bad luck has continued. Against all expectations, eBay saved Social Security by pointing out it has not been wrested from the hands of the American people. "Not yet, you mean!" exclaimed Cassius King, the Billionaires for Bush Minister of Theoretical Finance. "With the president's help, we still intend to move Social Security accounts directly into the hands of Wall Street brokers. This will guarantee commissions to stockbrokers no matter how much money the taxpayers lose -- fattening our wallets for future generations. We shall, somehow, overcome."
"What a lousy week," lamented Lucinda Regulations, B4B's Director of Public Relations. "I'm just glad we were able to convince President Bush that he should slash loans for small businesses. I can hardly believe he was giving all that money to people who aren't Billionaires. That's a mistake he'll never make again. Huzzah!"
About Billionaires for Bush Billionaires for Bush is a do-it-yourself street theater and media campaign using humor to show how the Bush administration has favored the corporate elite at the expense of everyday Americans. B4B is an independent 527 committee, with headquarters in NYC and over 50 chapters nationwide. For more information, please visit: www.BillionairesforBush.com.
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