By Heather Deuterium, Associated Press Writer
1 Hour, 30 minutes ago
GUILD OF SINISTER INTENT ORBITAL WEAPONS PLATFORM - In a surprising move intended to "shake up our moribund political process" Dr. Thaddeus Hazard, more commonly known by his nom de megalomania Dr. Havoc, announced his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States at a press conference held onboard his orbital complex, The Despair.
"People have asked me whether I'm going to run as a Republican because, well, I'm evil" Havoc said, speaking through a holographic image for security reasons. "I laugh, and sometimes vaporize the person asking when that question's posed. The Republican leadership may indeed be sinister but its rhetoric is all about opportunity and democracy. I can be accused of many things but surely hypocrisy is not on the list. If I say, as I often do, I'm going to use my ion cannon to destroy your cities unless you surrender to my will, that's precisely what I mean. There's no need to pretend I'm doing it to help anybody but myself...to the spoils."
When asked about the Democrats, Dr. Havoc said "well, they're simultaneously a little more and a little less honest than their adversaries across the aisle. They pretend even harder to be sweet when they're really quite sour. And this gets to the heart of my candidacy which is about bringing honesty and efficiency to US domestic and foreign policy."
Havoc laid out a multi-part plan based upon his "Progress via Darkness" platform. Summing it up, he said, "look at the history of the US, long boring speeches about freedom were being delivered by sweating, infrequently bathed men in wigs and frilly clothes while chattel slavery was in full effect. Women were told they never had it so good while being denied all manner of basic rights and opportunities, near genocide was committed upon the indigenous population but it was somehow self defense from the near genocidee's alleged savagery, nations have been invaded for all the usual reasons while the language used to explain these invasions was full of sweetness and light. I want to do away with all that and get to the heart of things: sick people, get with the dying already...less powerful nations, obey or be destroyed, etc. In short, I want to cut the false language out of the mix and get to what's real and that's why I'm running as a third party candidate for the Sinister Intent Party."
If elected, Havoc promises "a reign of honesty (and metallic terror) the likes of which this world has never seen." If not elected he pledges to unleash his army of merciless, robot ants.
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