[lbo-talk] Patriotic Ballad Uncut and Wet

Shane Mage shmage at pipeline.com
Fri Jul 4 18:14:06 PDT 2008


When, 232 years ago today, the North American colonizers declared their independence they had to confront a serious problem: the New Nation had no National Anthem. So, one steamy Philadelphia evening, three of their best minds--Sam Adams, Tom Paine, and Ben Arnold--sat down over a large demijon of Sam's best to make up for this lack. Recognizing that the public was very familiar with the existing Anthem--a good tune but with very unsuitable lyrics--they decided to set a suitably Revolutionary text to that melody. This is what they came up with:

God damn our stupid king God damn our crazy king God damn the king.

King George is spurious Bald fat and furious* No more we'll let him shit on us God damn the king.

God damn our drunken king God damn our German king God damn the king.

Let him be ostracized Stripped flogged and sodomized At Bedlam they've a cell his size God damn the king.

God damn our thieving king God damn our lying king God damn the king.

Send him to Coventry Then back to Germany Without him we'll have Liberty God damn the king.

* At the time "furious" had the sense of madness (cf. "Orlando Furioso")

Alas, this splendid effort got a frigid reception. The Continental Communications Commission decreed that its language made it unsuitable for performance with children present; Conservatives objected to its disrespect for the venerable Institution of Monarchy; and Liberals objected that the vehemence of its sentiments would help Loyalist propagandists to attack the colonizers as "leftist radicals." Therefore the Continental Congress by an overwhelming majority settled on "Yankee Doodle," whose tune and lyrics perfectly reflected their own level of musical and literary taste. It remained the National Anthem until an even stupider text set to an even sillier melody was found.

pcc. le petit poète



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