[lbo-talk] Patriotic Ballad Uncut and Wet

[Shane Mage]

When, 232 years ago today, the North American colonizers declared  
their independence they had to confront a serious problem:  the New  
Nation had no National Anthem.  So, one steamy Philadelphia evening,  
three of their best minds--Sam Adams, Tom Paine, and Ben Arnold--sat  
down over a large demijon of Sam's best to make up for this lack.   
Recognizing that the public was very familiar with the existing  
Anthem--a good tune but with very unsuitable lyrics--they decided to  
set a suitably Revolutionary text to that melody.  This is what they  
came up with:

God damn our stupid king
God damn our crazy king
God damn the king.

King George is spurious
Bald fat and furious*
No more we'll let him shit on us
God damn the king.

God damn our drunken king
God damn our German king
God damn the king.

Let him be ostracized
Stripped flogged and sodomized
At Bedlam they've a cell his size
God damn the king.

God damn our thieving king
God damn our lying king
God damn the king.

Send him to Coventry
Then back to Germany
Without him we'll have Liberty
God damn the king.

* At the time "furious" had the sense of madness (cf. "Orlando Furioso")

Alas, this splendid effort got a frigid reception.
The Continental Communications Commission decreed
that its language made it unsuitable for performance with children  
present;  Conservatives objected to its disrespect for the venerable  
Institution of Monarchy;  and Liberals objected that the vehemence of  
its sentiments would help Loyalist propagandists to attack the  
colonizers as "leftist radicals." Therefore the Continental Congress  
by an overwhelming majority settled on "Yankee Doodle," whose tune and  
lyrics perfectly reflected their own level of musical and literary  
taste.
It remained the National Anthem until an even stupider text set to an  
even sillier melody was found.

pcc. le petit poète