<http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/>
<snip>
If you need to impress a white person, tell them you are from Baltimore. They will immediately ask you about The Wire and how accurate it is. You should confirm that it is "like a documentary of the streets," the white person will then slowly shake their head and say "man" or "wow." You will be seen in an entirely new light.
[...]
.......
Shall I tell you a story Mr. Carroll?
Yes Alice, I'd enjoy that.
Very well. It's an unusual story of the future - A curious time, not very long from now as the Earth reckons, when people talk without talking and have nightmares about what we now call dreams. I've named the story...
Dwayne Monroe, His Addled Friend and the Fanciful Ghetto of Romantic Attraction
Is it a long story Alice? You know how sleepy I get.
No Mr. Carroll, it is quite brief, I assure you. One warning however: I will refer to the future as if it were the past.
Curiouser and Curiouser.
...
Some years from now, in a place called West Philadelphia there lived a man of African, European and Cuban heritage - a Negro, nonetheless - named Dwayne Monroe. Like many teeming cities Philadelphia endured its share of villainy. And while its western portion was not the most so plagued, its residents were not unfamiliar with the perfidies of thievery, guns and other maladies which beset humanity.
Even so (and in spite of their racial handicap) many - perhaps most - of its inhabitants enjoyed a reasonably stable life amongst the middle ranks of society. Church socials, lively house parties, stolen kisses, scientific romances and lovely excursions in horseless carriages were among the young Dwayne's favorite pastimes.
Now Dwayne had a friend - an addled youth whose name I shall not reveal for the future has big electric eyes and ears - and this young man was very fond of, as he put it, "white girls with nice asses."
This friend was handsome and outgoing so he had little trouble fulfilling his heart's desire (if indeed, the heart can be said to have had a portion in such an enterprise). Despite many successes he felt the need to increase the odds in his favor and so, he crafted a method: he would tell ripping yarns of scurrilous characters, narrow escapes and daring do.
>From out of this friend's fanciful mouth there came all manner of
horrifying stories: raging fires, opium dens, Gatling gun battles,
unexplained explosions and terrifying assaults by the most gruesome of
rats, concocted rivals to our rodent adversaries here in Britain.
Meanwhile, this 17 year-old fabulist lived with his mother and father
in the quietest of homes, nestled in the quaintest of neighborhoods.
But, because people are willing to believe the very worst about the
darker skinned peoples and the places they inhabit, his stories had
the designed effect - creating a sensual thrill of horror in his fair
skinned, ample bosomed listeners.
We needn't go into the scandalous details.
The End
.d.