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Levi Johnston's Sarah Palin Article Simplified
I just read "Me and Mrs. Palin," in which young Levi Johnston "tells Vanity Fair his story about life with the Palin family—with whom he lived for two months after the election—over the course of his two-and- a-half-year relationship with Bristol." There are many surprising revelations in its pages; you could say that "he turns a number of commonly held beliefs about the former governor—the purportedly loving mother, devoted wife, and prolific hunter—upside down." (Particularly if you write teasers for Vanity Fair.) I suggest you go out and buy a copy!
Still, there was something rather troubling about the article: Almost none of the words within it were more than two syllables long. While the article is described as an "as told to" piece, it has clearly been shaped to give a more "authentic" feel, an authenticity which apparently excludes the use of big words. But why stop at two syllables? Wouldn't it be even more authentic if every word, excluding proper nouns, that came out of Levi Johnston's mouth were only one syllable? You can be the judge of that.
Me and Mrs. Palin I was on a hunt with my dad and his bro. I got a call from my girl. She said her mom got picked to be Veep and I should come there right now. I said no but they made me. I was not sure how Bristol's weird mom thought she could be Veep.
Sarah and Todd don't cook or help their kids with school stuff or the wash. Sarah does not read a lot of books. Sarah likes to take long baths. Sarah likes to watch the tube. Sarah makes people go get things for her, like Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supremes. Sarah and my girl Bristol fought a lot.
Sarah was in a bad mood a lot. She said her job was hard. Todd drank beer out in the back much of the time. Sarah did not like Todd to drink so he had to hide it. Todd likes to race his sleds.
Sarah and Todd don't sleep in the same room.
Sarah and Todd fight all the time. Todd would get mad and yell that he and Sarah should split up. Still, Sarah ran the house. Todd would do what she told him to.
Sarah said she was a "hockey mom" but she was not at a lot of games. I have not ever seen her hunt or fish. She asked me how to shoot a gun she had but she did not know what kind of gun it was since it was in a box.
Sarah did not know how to hang a frame on the wall.
At the RNC in Minnesota Sarah made me cut my hair and shave and tried to make me get a spray tan. Sarah told us we should be glad that they would give us a lot of free clothes. All the girls liked the free clothes but I did not. Sarah and the girls were mad when they had to give the clothes back after Sarah lost, but they still kept some of them. Sarah got a lot of clothes.
Sarah's not one to cry a lot but she sure did cry when we told her Bristol was knocked up. Sarah was mad since she had just said on TV that Bristol was not knocked up. I thought Todd was going to kick my ass but he just told me that Bristol and I would have to tie the knot quick. I got a ring from Zales.
Sarah had an idea that we should lie and not talk about how Bristol was knocked up. She and Todd would take the kid. She kept on us to do it but we told her no. It was not a shock, since Sarah had lied when she was knocked up with Trig.
Sarah changed once she ran for Veep. She got used to the way things were done for her.
Sarah was bad on TV. We all knew it. We shook our heads when we saw her talk to the press. Sarah knew that she was not good. She would watch a speech she made and say that she was bad. Tina Fey did a good Sarah.
Sarah was sad when they lost the race. She would walk through the house with a pout on her face. Now she did not want to run Alaska. She would say how nice it would be to quit and make a lot of cash. She said that it was "not as hard" to write a book or do a show as it was to run the state, plus she would make three times as much.
She was mad when the McCain team said bad things like that she was why they lost. She thought she was why they got any votes at all.
When Tripp was born Sarah seemed to like him more than she liked Trig. She made weird jokes. She would say things like, "No, I don't want the retarded baby—I want the other one." We were all used to it.
My mom got nailed for a meth deal and soon Bristol and I split up. I still love Tripp and want to take care of him. These days a lot of folks want me to do press and films and stuff. Who knows? It could be cool. If not I can still go back home and fuse wires like the rest of the Johnstons. That's still a lot of fun to me.
—Balk