Take the 32 countries that qualified for the World Cup and have each represented by an iconic living cultural figure rather than 23 footballers, and here are the results:
Group A: 1. Uruguay — Eduardo Galeano 2. South Africa — Archbishop Desmond Tutu 3. Mexico — Alejandro Gonzales Inarritu 4. France — Guy Baudrillard
Group B: 1. Nigeria — Fela Kuti. (Yes, I know we said “living”; consider this the equivalent of age cheating) 2. South Korea — Rain 3. Greece — Theodoros Angelopolous 4. Argentina — Che Guevara (Not the real Che, but the T-shirt image)
Group C: 1. Slovenia — Slavoj Zizek 2. England — Elvis Costello 3. USA — Bruce Springsteen 4. Algeria — Cheb Khaled
Group D: 1. Serbia — Emir Kusturica 2. Germany — Gunther Grass 3. Australia — Peter Carey 4. Ghana — Anthony Appiah
Group E: 1. Japan — Hayao Miyazaki 2. Cameroon — Manu Dibango 3. Denmark — Lars Von Trier 4. Holland — Johan Cruyff (the cranky post football cultural commentator)
Group F: 1. New Zealand — Jane Campion 2. Slovakia — Martin Skrtel (the cultural critic) 3. Paraguay — Monica Gonzalez 4. Italy — Bernardo Bertolucci
Group G: 1. Portugal — Jose Saramago 2. North Korea — Kim Jong-il 3. Cote D’Ivoire — Alpha Blondy 4. Brazil — Hector Babenco
Group H: 1. Chile — Roberto Bolanos 2. Spain — Pedro Almodovar 3. Switzerland — Jean-Luc Godard 4. Honduras — Karla Lara
Round of 16:
Eduardo Galeano (Uru) 3 Rain (SoKo) 0 Slavoj Zizek (Slov) 3 Gunther Grass 3 a.e.t. Zizeks wins 5-4 on penalties Emir Kusturica (Serb) 2 Elvis Costello (Eng) 1 Archbishop Tutu (SA) 3 Fela Kuti (Nig) 1 Hayao Miyazaki (Jap) 12 Martin Skrtel (Slovak) 0 Jose Saramago (Por) 4 Pedro Almodovar (Sp) 2 Jane Campion (NZ) 4 Manu Dibangu (Cam) 3 Roberto Bolanos (Chile) 3 Kim Jong-Il (NoKo) 1
Quarterfinals:
Hayao Miyazaki (Jap) 2 Jose Saramago (Por) 3 Eduardo Galeano (Uru) 2 Slavoj Zizek (Slovenia) 4 Archbishop Desmond Tutu (SA) 2 Emir Kusturica (Serb) 3 Jane Campion (NZ) 3 Roberto Bolanos (Chile) 2
Semifinals:
Saramago 3 Zizek 3 a.e.t. (Zizek wins 3-2 on penalties) Kusturica 3 Campion 1
Final: Zizek (Slovenia) 3 Kusturica (Serbia) 1