http://www.theawl.com/2011/12/winona-ryders-forever-sweater
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I called the LA Saks Fifth Avenue the other day. Just to see if they had any. After all, what did it mean to not be able to afford something? I mean, I do have $700 dollars. So I could afford a thermal. Sure, it would be idiotic of me to buy one, but I’d been wasting money on stupid things for years, and really, why should I stop now?
“Saks Beverly Hills, can I help you?”
“The Marc Jacobs boutique, please.”
“Marc Jacobs or Marc by Marc Jacobs?”
Ma’am, I just want a thermal, I wanted to whine. But I said, “Marc Jacobs, I guess.”
“Hello, Marc Jacobs.”
“Yes, I’m wondering if you have any cashmere thermals?”
“Do you want Marc Jacobs or Marc by Marc Jacobs?”
“I’m looking for the cashmere thermals,” I said.
“I think you want Marc by Marc Jacobs.”
Before I had a chance to refute this I was transferred.
“Marc by Marc Jacobs.”
“Do you have any cashmere thermals?”
“Do you want Marc by Marc Jacobs or Marc Jacobs?”
“Either.” I said. ”I’m looking for the cashmere thermal, I guess it’s a T shirt, but then, maybe there’s another version?” Honestly, wasn’t the cashmere thermal a classic? And hadn’t it earned some kind of dark cache, like, if not exactly like, John Hinckley’s Catcher in the Rye or O.J. Simpson’s Bruno Magli suede lace-ups?
“Let me try the lingerie department.”
This seemed like an odd choice. The woman said, “Cashmere thermal? Marc Jacobs? No. Did you try Marc Jacobs or Marc for Marc Jacobs?”
I called the New York Barneys.
“Hello, Barneys New York, how may I direct your call?”
“Marc Jacobs boutique, please.”
“Marc by Marc Jacobs or Marc Jacobs?”
“How about Marc Jacobs?”
“Hello, Marc Jacobs.”
“Hi, I’m looking for a Marc Jacobs Cashmere Thermal.”
“Marc by Marc Jacobs or Marc Jacobs?”
“I believe, uh Marc,” I said, suddenly exhausted. “But possibly, uh Marc for Marc Jacobs.”
“It’s not Marc and Marc for Marc Jacobs. It’s Marc Jacobs and Marc for Marc Jacobs.”
“I know what it is,” I snapped. “I could write the words in calligraphy on a grain of rice with my eyes closed. And I have to tell you I feel like I’m calling the Quicken Arena in Cleveland looking for LeBron James and everyone’s like, have you tried Concessions? What about Ticket Sales? What about the Gift Shop?”
“Call Bergdorf’s,” she said.
When you call the main number for Bergdorf’s you get a salon. (Does anyone know why?) As the phone rang and rang I had the following insight: If I, like the designer in question, were a 48-year-old extremely good looking and muscular gay man who was one day at a time never ever getting wasted again, I may also have decided that the best chance I had left for thrills in this life was to ensure that everyone who ever said my name would be forced to say it two and a half times.
I hung up. I called an actual Marc Jacobs store.
“Oh, we don’t really make those anymore. I mean, we might have like, a few of them in the men’s store, but ”
Why hadn’t I thought of this first? I don’t know.
“You don’t make them anymore?”
“The last time I saw them was like, in 2008, maybe 2009?”
“But
how could they just stop making them? They were amazing! I thought those were
are you familiar with the term 'forever sweater'?”
“Could you hang on a moment?” She put me on hold and left me there.
It almost made me feel better for not having any money anymore. Clothes are so ugly now. Everything has a ruffle or a bow. It makes you wonder if maybe Leona Helmsley’s Maltese, Trouble, used all that money she left her to go to FIT and open a boutique. Of course Marc Jacobs doesn’t make cashmere thermals anymore, because they were useful, and nice, and flattering.
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