Mr. Cranky savages "You've got mail"

Marta Russell ap888 at
Sat Dec 26 22:15:33 PST 1998

> Lyle,

You may already know about this one, but if not ... get a load.

Marta Russell

> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Mr. Cranky savages "You've Got Mail"
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Mr. Cranky's other new movie reviews this week include:
> The Prince of Egypt........................(2 bombs)
> A Simple Plan..............................(1 bomb)
> Mr. Cranky's new rental reviews this week include:
> Halloween H2O..............................(4 bombs)
> Lethal Weapon 4............................(Dynamite)
> Madeline...................................(3 bombs)
> You'll find them at the Mr. Cranky site:
> Please come visit and CLICK ON THE DAMN ADS!
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Mr. Cranky is sponsored this week by:
> XOR Internet Technologies
> Growing like a weed and HIRING!
> Work at a company as smart as you are:
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> "You've Got Mail"
> Mr. Cranky's rating: 3 bombs
> The conjunction "you've" is the combination of the words
> "you" and "have," making the title of this film "You Have
> Got Mail," which is redundant enough to creep out the Olsen
> twins. Undoubtedly, this was the product of the
> grammatically-challenged losers over at America Online,
> which is basically Internet for the mentally handicapped
> anyway.
> Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) and Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) portray
> members of America Online who get involved in an email
> romance, but have never met. Who ever would have guessed
> that a woman who spends her Friday nights trading
> misspelled missives in online chat rooms would look more
> like Meg Ryan than Jabba the Hutt in sweat pants? Or that
> her mystery correspondent would be a clean-cut Tom Hanks
> type with -- get this -- nary a single human head in his
> freezer?
> Although each knows the other lives in New York, Kathleen,
> owner of a small children's bookstore, is unaware that Joe
> is actually her arch-rival, the "Fox" of the Fox Books
> Superstore (a thinly-veiled reference to Barnes & Noble,
> the bookseller's equivalent to the Death Star) opening up
> down the street. The last part of this film consists of
> twenty minutes of utterly wasted material and reminded me
> of "Meet Joe Black" in that, once again, I begged somebody
> to jam a nail gun into my ear and end the agony by firing
> away like Charlton Heston at a Barney Frank fund-raiser.
> As in real life, the big superstore devours the little
> independent store, proving that even the most loyal of
> customers will bury a hatchet in your forehead for 30% off.
> Of course, Kathleen learns that Joe is an okay person after
> all, implying that once we get to know and love these big
> chain stores, it won't matter that we're all making minimum
> wage and getting our health care from some guy named Buck
> who hangs out in the alley.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Mr. Cranky's Rating Scale:
> One bomb........Almost tolerable.
> Two bombs.......Consistently annoying.
> Three bombs.....Will require therapy after viewing.
> Four bombs......As good as a poke in the eye with a sharp
> stick.
> Dynamite........So godawful that it ruptured the very
> fabric of space and time with the sheer
> overpowering force of its mediocrity
> (special instances only).
> -----------------------------------------------------------
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