> ----------
> From: nurev at Kreative.net[SMTP:nurev at Kreative.net]
> Sent: Monday, June 08, 1998 3:29 AM
> To: PNEWS-L at MAELSTROM.STJOHNS.EDU
> Cc: acoustic at teleport.com; CHAIMB at aol.com; ruchaim at aol.com;
> lbo-talk at lists.panix.com; adams at iiss.org.uk
> Subject: God Improvement
>
> GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
>
>
> God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
> to
> better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
> the following questions.
>
> Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
> confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
> unless
> you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
>
> 1. How did you find out about God?
>
> __ Newspaper __ Other Book
> __ Television __ Divine Inspiration
> __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
> __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
> __ Bible __ Other
> __ Torah (specify): _____________
>
> 2. Which model God did you acquire?
>
> __ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
> __ Jehova __ Jesus
> __ Alah __ Satan
> __ God __ None of the above, I was taken
> __ G_d in by a false god
>
> 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
> order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
>
> __ Yes __ No
>
> If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
> ____
>
> 4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
> Please check all that apply.
>
> __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live
> __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to despise
> __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself
> __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death
> __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work
> __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music
> __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and
> told me to do it
>
> 5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god were
> you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
>
> __ Odin __ Cthulhu
> __ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
> __ Appolo __ Left Wing Liberalism
> __ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
> __ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
> __ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
> __ The Moon __ A burning cabbage
> __ The Bomb __ Other: ________________
>
> 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
> to God? Please check all that apply.
>
> __ Tarot __ Lottery
> __ Astrology __ Television
> __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
> __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
> __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
> __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
> __ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton
> __ Tea Leaves __ EST
> __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
> __ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
> __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
> __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
> __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: _____________________
> __ Barney Fife __ None
>
> 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
> balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
> prefer (circle one)?
>
> a. More Divine Intervention
> b. Less Divine Intervention
> c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
> d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
>
> 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
> miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
> following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
>
> a. Disasters
> flood 1 2 3 4 5
> famine 1 2 3 4 5
> earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
> war 1 2 3 4 5
> pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
> plague 1 2 3 4 5
> SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
> AOL 1 2 3 4 5
>
> b. Miracles
> rescues 1 2 3 4 5
> spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
> stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
> crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
> water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
> walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5
> than the Hudson)
> talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
> VCRs that set their own 1 2 3 4 5
> clocks
> Sadam Husein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
> Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
> Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
>
> 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
> the
> quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if
> necessary):
> ______________________________________________________________________
> ______________________________________________________________________
> ______________________________________________________________________
>
> Thank you!
>
>