LBJ tapes released

Charles Brown CharlesB at
Tue Sep 22 06:53:17 PDT 1998

Two hours of hitherto unknown video tapes of secret testimony by LBJ concerning alleged improper and incorrect behaviour in the Oval Office were released last week by the League of Concerned Republican Historians in collaboration with the Board of Academic Republican Fathers, anxious to make the truth known about Democratic presidencies and to set the record straight.

On two occasions LBJ destroys the camera and has to be restrained before the hearing can continue. When he breaks the camera for the third time the testimony is adjourned. It was never continued.

Throughout the testimony the president was red in the face, smoked continuously and shouted threats and waved his finger at the camera. On one occasion he phoned to Louisiana to clarify a point of procedure with a colleague in the state house there.

A meat cleaver was taken from Lady Bird Johnson. It was unclear from her gestures whether she intended to use it on testimony officials or video cables.

According to the press release accompanying the video, BARF announced its intention of outing all politicians who have ever lied or committed fornication (broad definition including lips and pizza), and instituting retroactive unfrocking proceedings including retroactive impeachment for former presidents.

"Our great nation needs to start again with clean garments," the press release concluded. "These stains on our nation's most sacred institutions -- youth, virginity and motherhood -- must be held up for all to see and be surgically excised".

To facilitate the immense task ahead of them, the League and the Board made it clear they would be starting with Democrats first.

When told of German Chancellor Kohl's reaction to the news: "Es ist zum Kotzen", ("It is to BARF") they thanked him for his understanding and support and hoped all European leaders would see the importance of the project and get behind them too.

When told of European views that the project represented American double standards, they were pleased and stated that their goal was indeed an America twice as pure.

When asked about the differences in demeanour between LBJ and Clinton, they said no progress had been made as far as the content of either crime or shame was concerned, but that some progress had occurred in video technology.

The League and BARF declined to reveal their financial backers, but said their sponsors were pleased to see how fast the zero tolerance approach was spreading throughout society.

They had no comment on questions as to whether they were planning to try and compel president Clinton and Ms Lewinsky to reenact certain key acts on video with a view to facilitating jury deliberations. However, one representative did say that no firm policy had yet been established on this line of research.

A parallel project was announced by the groups involving the setting up of a new and independent public opinion research foundation. It was said to be necessary because of inadequacies in the public response to the Clinton tapes.

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