> A friend forwarded a copy of this rather offensive piece to me. Who is
this
> McKinney? - Tom
>
> ATTENTION: PALM BEACH COUNTY DEMOCRATS
> BASIC LIVING INSTRUCTIONS
>
> By: Shelley McKinney
>
> Democratic residents of Palm Beach County, Florida, I would never want to
> alienate you right from the start of this article by reminding you that I
am
> a Republican, and a Republican who thinks you're all a bunch of feckless
> lackwits, to boot. I just want to be kindly and helpful and give you a few
> hints that might smooth your paths as your trudge and toil through the
> complex maze of modern living that all of us experience.
>
> 1. When preparing to eat a Twinkie, take off the wrapper first.
>
> 2. To open a can of soda pop, it is not necessary to bite a hole in the
side
> of the can with your teeth and consequently cough, choke and splutter as
> your
> beverage cascades out over your shirt.
>
> 3. When making a peanut butter sandwich, do not place the jar of peanut
> butter between two slices of bread and attempt to chew it up; it will only
> damage your teeth. Unscrew the lid of the jar, remove some peanut butter
> with
> a (blunt) knife and carefully spread the peanut butter on the bread.
>
> 4. To moisten the mucilage on an envelope, it is NOT necessary to draw the
> envelope's flap across the surface of your eyeballs: allow your tongue to
> protrude slightly from your mouth and glide the flap across it. Better get
> into practice before it's time to mail out those holiday greetings!
>
> 5. To don a pair of trousers, use twisty-ties to secure two side
belt-loops
> to two chairs (I recommend a Windsor comb-back style for this.) When the
> trousers are affixed in an upright position, move to a position across the
> room and take a flying leap in the manner of a person leaping over a
> track-and-field hurdle. Attempt to insert both of your legs into the
trouser
> legs simultaneously. Repeat this exercise as often as needed until you are
> adequately attired, if somewhat bruised. Don't forget to dis-attach the
> twisty-ties on your belt loops from the chairs, because dragging around
two
> Windsor comb-back side chairs could prove cumbersome.
>
> 6. When voting in an election, as is both your right and your duty as a
> citizen of the United States of America, peruse your ballot slip and the
> template carefully before you just start merrily jabbing away with the
> provided stylus. Voting is a serious and somber business and shouldn't be
> attempted by anyone who can't visually follow an arrow from the
candidate's
> name to the correct hole. Anybody who can't figure this out deserves to
have
> voted for Pat Buchanan.
>
> I feel justified in being somewhat stern with all of you about this, since
> this is the second time you've muffed up these ballots. Jim Smith, the
> former
> Florida Secretary of State, reported to CNN that in the 1996 election,
> 15,000
> ballots had to be trashed because of people who got that stylus gripped in
> their sweaty little palms and went temporarily insane. The idea here is
NOT
> to make your little ballot sheet look like an antique pierced-tin lantern.
>
> I also have some room for disdain because my voting district uses a
similar
> type of ballot that is nearly identical to yours, and I've never heard one
> peep about people being confused and people wailing and weeping and
> screaming
> in the parking lots of polling places and people filing lawsuits in the
> circuit court because of something that happened due to their own
execrable
> stupidity. Of course, I come from a small state that has only a few paltry
> electoral votes and a tradition of going Republican, so that largely
cancels
> out the stupid factor: our Democrats know that it would be useless to
raise
> such a fuss, and I'd like to think that enough of them are imbued with a
> sense of personal dignity that would not allow them to appear on national
> television, all tear-streaked and whining something about how ha-a-ard it
> was
> to understa-a-and that ba-a-allot and it isn't fa-a-air so there needs to
be
> a new vo-o-ote.
>
> New vote, my eye. You live and learn, and this seems to me to be a great
> opportunity to get your acts together. I bet the next time an election
rolls
> around, you Palm Beach County Democrats will make darned certain that you
> check out the sample ballot you got in the mail. It has been reported that
a
> sample ballot was even published in the local newspaper, for heaven's
sake.
> As the old saying goes, lack of preparation on your part does not
constitute
> an emergency on our -- the Republican party's -- part. Besides, in 1996,
> when
> the vote wasn't so close, there weren't any reports of parking lot
> meltdowns.
> So the idea of your vote's being negated is only upsetting when the race
is
> close, is that it?
>
> I sincerely hope not, because I was just assuring a friend yesterday that
> the
> unbelievably corrupt Clinton/Gore administration is NOT indicative of the
> majority of Democrats. The media shills and the Hollywood limousine
liberals
> aside, I believe that the basic Democrat is much the same as a basic
> Republican, with a different belief system. I refuse to entertain the
notion
> that every Democrat is a cheat, a liar and a knave, just as I refuse to
> believe that every Republican is filled brimful with every godly virtue.
>
> Please don't make me regret making that statement. Deal with your error
like
> people with principles and integrity and stop giving the likes of Jesse
> Jackson a reason to be in Florida, polluting your beautiful state with his
> noxious and bigoted presence. (Jesse Jackson's voting district used that
> same
> ballot, by the way. Don't you think that seems a bit fishy? Why isn't he
> trumpeting his racial angst up North?)
>
> One last instruction:
>
> 6. To breathe, suck air in...blow it back out. Suck air in...blow it back
> out. Suck air in...blow it back out...
> *************************************************
> Alternative Press Review - www.altpr.org
> Your Guide Beyond the Mainstream
> PO Box 4710 - Arlington, VA 22204
>
> Mid-Atlantic Infoshop - www.infoshop.org
> Infoshop News Kiosk - www.infoshop.org/news.html
>
> "Our first work must be the annihilation of everything
> as it now exists." - Mikhail Bakunin
>
> "I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed,
> debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own." - No.6