The Top 14 Surprises in President Clinton's Farewell Speech
14> Stopping to get out his wallet when the Domino's guy came in.
13> "It has been a pleasure serving my country... I mean it has
been a *real* pleasure!"
12> Announced he'll spend much of 2001 touring with the play,
"The Vagina Monologues."
11> Asked all Americans to "please buy some of these fine Amway
products."
10> *What* speech? It was eight solid minutes of Bubba chanting,
"Who let the dogs out? Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!"
9> He pulled out the sax and launched into a rousing rendition
of "Take This Job and Shove It."
8> After eight years of practice, he can "speak" without
Hillary's lips moving at all!
7> Bill revealed that Hillary is the one who routinely clogged
the crapper in the Lincoln bedroom and that he's been taking
the blame for the past eight years.
6> Resigned immediately so that Al Gore gets a chance to be
President, if only for a few hours.
5> It came down to the very last minutes of his administration,
but he *finally* kept his famous 1992 campaign pledge to
eat 100 pickled eggs in under a minute.
4> Startling revelation that *he* is Jesse Jackson's love child.
3> When he coughed in the middle of the speech, cleared his
throat and said, "Pardon me," Bush blurted out, "Ain't
gonna happen, Cigarboy!"
2> The White House Press Secretary announcing him as
"President-Erect Clinton."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise in
President Clinton's Farewell Speech...
1> Announced that as a housewarming gift for the incoming
President, he rescheduled Timothy McVeigh's execution for
Monday morning.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
Runners-up: ================================================================== "And now, say goodbye, Lil' Bill!"
"From a piece of the Great Wall of China, to the very finest of cigars, I've received a lot of great perks for being President. But no gift can match this extremely rare copy of a recipe I received for Nieman Marcus Cookies!"
"Hello, my fellow Americans. Y'all remember the surprise twist in 'The Crying Game'?"
"I may be finished as President, but I've been working out so that when I move to New York, I can whoop me some thick-ankled Senator butt!"
He *really* never inhaled -- but did once win a bet by chugging a beer mug full of bong water.
He tearfully thanked Hillary for all her support and loyalty through the tough times. She then joined him on stage and gave him his balls back, which she'd kept in a hermetically-sealed mayonnaise jar since the "Monica" incident.
His "Carnac" impression: "'Mad Cow Disease, The Geena Davis Show, and George W. Bush.' Ha, ha, 'What are three things the American people didn't choose?' Hey oh!"
His plan to model his post-Presidential life on both Carter and Ford by hand-building fairway homes for the poor golfers of Palm Springs.
Turns out Bubba was counseling Jesse Jackson, not vice versa.
"As of 12:01 PM on January 20, 2001, I will begin using my new name: Bill Clinton Rodham."
"I hope to be remembered alongside great leaders like DeGaul and FDR, leaders who triumphed in the face of adversity, and -- most importantly -- got plenty on the side without a bunch of tight-ass Republicans impeaching them."
"That depends on what your definition of 'orderly succession' is."
Although eager to cite his eight-year tough position on crime, he was STILL unable to say the words "penal system" without smirking.
Gave special thanks to Beelzebub for keeping his end of the bargain.
He got Bush to fall for the "Got two tens for a five?" trick in the limo on the way over.
Just 7 solid minutes of pointing at the camera and laughing his ass off.
More "Chachis" than you can shake a stick at.
Raised hands in victory signs, tore away mask -- it was actually Nixon's greatest comeback!
That camera shot catching Dubya pointing to his watch from stage left.
Those chicks from MTV's Spring Break dancing on the stage behind him.
Turns out he voted for Bush. Lots and lots of it.
Waco was just a practice run for the razing of Disneyland, which was later canceled because of Reno's obsession with the teacup ride.