> [I think the date should be April 30. From Johnson's Russia List.]
>
> YET ANOTHER LONG-WINDED OP-ED ABOUT PUTIN
> By Mark Ames
> the eXile
> March 30th
> www.exile.ru
>
> There used to be so much at stake.
>
> For us here at the eXile, the battle in Russia between the reformists and
> the anti-reformists was like one of those ruthless Cold War-era proxy
wars:
> Angola, Nicaragua, Cambodia... we'd often side with the vilest of militia
> leaders because the most important thing was to prevent the opponent from
> metastasizing any further, from pushing you farther back.
>
> Russia, we hoped, would be our paradigmatic Stalingrad; the cubicle
> partitions would be turned back somewhere around Khimki. either that, or
> what remained of the cubicle-free world would be partitioned for good. We
> had reason to be optimistic: The Russians destroyed Napoleon and Hitler -
> surely they could fend off Dilbert, capture him, and return his cartoon
> corpse to his American votaries, mutilated and disfigured as a warning to
> all that the Cubicle World stops at Smolensk, right?
>
> Wrong. You can't fight Dilbert. It's like trying to fight The Gap. You may
> as well try to strangle gravity. You just can't do it. In fact, the only
way
> to kill The Gap is to kill yourself. This is the only thing The Gap fears:
a
> lost market, a Dead Unisex Soul (or Mertvaya Odnopolaya Dusha) no longer
> capable of consuming.
>
> Two years ago, Russia did precisely that - it committed suicide and sent
The
> Gap packing for Prague. By August 1998, the Battle of Stalingrad had
> arrived. But instead of a spectacular, Blake-ean cataclysm, Russia simply
> went limp. and eventually, so did we. But just when there was limpness all
> around, out of the shriveled, numb foreskin of Russia, there appeared
> Vladimir Putin.
>
> We're not digressing here, much as we'd like to. This whole Putin thing is
> so degrading and depressing that our spleens tell us the only way to fight
> it is to ignore it. Because if there's one thing that has been more
annoying
> in recent months than the American media's blatant whitewashing of the
Putin
> phenomenon, it's all those long-winded, meaningless, hand-lotion-lubed
op-ed
> pieces and analyses, each struggling to differentiate itself from all the
> other hyper-clever analyses by employing a surfeit of clever tropes and by
> pimping a metaphor or coining a phrase it is hoped will be widely adopted,
> thereby allowing its inventor access to even more publications. To reach a
> self-perpetuating state of reprodublication, to coin a phrase.
>
> We don't have a fresh angle to offer on Putin - in fact, we're purposely,
> even aggressively unoriginal in our interpretation of him. Because to be
> original and witty when discussing a purely manufactured phenomenon is to
> play into its sponsors' hands, helping to further cloak the creature
within.
> On the other hand, readers of our newspaper, particularly the web version,
> have been increasingly harassing us with questions of the "What The Hell's
> Happening Over There?" sort, and now that we're planning to hit the road
for
> a five-week book tour of America, we decided that we'd probably save
> everyone a lot of sweat if we tried to answer your questions in advance.
>
> So here's what we're going to do. We're going to put away our metaphors
and
> Thesauri, and just lay our cards right out on the table for you folks,
so's
> you knows exactly where we stands - who's a friend, and who's an enemy.
>
> Here then, is our list of the 10 MOST POPULAR AND BLATANT MYTHS ABOUT
> VLADIMIR PUTIN that the Western media is overtly or covertly foisting onto
> its clients, and the facts that belie them. We do this not to show how
much
> our Putin differs from the conventional portrayal, but rather to
demonstrate
> how utterly recognizable and unmysterious he is. And to shut you up. Along
> the margins of this virtual wonk-lead, we'll also be publishing utterly
> extraneous material to demonstrate our disdain for the whole new
Putinology
> industry - not because we honestly loathe it, but because it makes us
appear
> cooler and more indifferent than we really are. And hopefully, it will
stop
> people with too much time on their hands from bothering us with weighty
> questions about What's Really Going On Over Here.
>
> Myth #1: PUTIN IS A TOUGH, NO-NONSENSE LEADER
>
> Fact: Putin is a quintessential functionary, a bloodless mediocrity whose
> record in the KGB would be almost laughable - if it weren't so
> borderline-sinister. His superiors decided to park him in friendly East
> Germany like some Gomer Pyle who needed to be protected from himself,
where
> Putin dithered in what for his directorate was the equivalent of a
> provincial Siberian post, while his more successful peers were slipping
> across NATO borders in Western clothes and cars, dining in fine
restaurants,
> and swapping dollars for documents. From there, Putin began an
astonishingly
> slow ascent that would have been the equivalent to getting "put out to
> pasture" in today's corporate world. For his services, he was awarded a
> bronze medal for his covert work in Leipzig, where even the local
brew-house
> wenches mockingly referred to the notoriously beer-shy spook as "Vladi The
> Spy."
>
> Putin's former boss, ex-KGB General Oleg Kalugin, called him a
"mediocrity"
> and "totally Soviet" in his approach to governance.
>
> Myth #2: PUTIN IS GOING TO TACKLE CORRUPTION
>
> Fact: As Deputy Mayor of St. Petersburg, Putin oversaw the complete and
> total criminalization (including the takeover of potentially lucrative
ports
> by the Tambov Mafia) of a vibrant city that was poised to become Tallinn
> times ten. If Putin's career as a spy only earned him a bronze medal
> consolation prize, then his career as a corrupt official would earn him a
> string of golds (which would explain his supposedly mysterious rise to the
> top):
>
> (a) In 1992, he oversaw approval of lucrative export licenses, the
proceeds
> from which were supposed to fund food aid to needy Petersburg residents;
> instead, several million dollars in profits disappeared. Putin was accused
> of personally enriching himself, and the local city council requested his
> dismissal;
>
> (b) Arranged contracts and soft credits for the shady Twenty Trust
> construction company, which received millions of dollars for work that was
> never completed and loans that were never repaid; although Twenty Trust
did
> manage to build Putin a $600,000 dacha;
>
> (c) In the corruption case against his former boss Anatoly Sobchak, it was
> learned that Putin's mother was given a prime Petersburg apartment almost
> for free; even though Sobchak admitted that it was "absolutely true" and
> that he was merely helping out "poor old mothers" like Putin's mom, the
case
> against him was dropped when Putin was plucked from Pavel Borodin's side
and
> appointed head of the FSB in 1998;
>
> (d) Was brought to Moscow in 1996 to serve under Pavel Borodin, who is
> wanted in Switzerland for money laundering in the infamous Mabatex
scandal;
> it is impossible to believe that the career spy and law graduate Vladimir
> Putin, as Borodin's trusted second-in-command, was unaware of Borodin's
> dirty dealings with Mabatex;
>
> (e) Secured and released the video of "someone resembling" then-General
> Prosecutor Yuri Skuratov boning two Russian whores, then forged a criminal
> case against him, a move which snuffed out Skuratov's investigations into
> oligarchic corruption and money laundering, and which led to his
replacement
> by a pliant prosecutor who subsequently dropped the high-level war on
> corruption;
>
> (f) Named Mikhail Kasyanov as his second-in-command; Kasyanov, nicknamed
> "two-percent Misha" for his debt-manipulation swindle in cahoots with
> Yeltsin Family scam artist Alexander Mamut (who heads the tainted
Sobinbank
> and MDM-bank), is believed to have been involved in developing the scheme
by
> which state money was laundered in Swiss banks through Mabatex going back
to
> 1996, when the de facto head of government worked in the Finance Ministry;
>
> (g) Why doesn't Putin mention the Bank of New York scandal? Because he and
> his sponsors ARE the BoNY scandal.
>
> Myth #3: PUTIN WILL CUT THE OLIGARCHS DOWN TO SIZE
>
> Fact: Putin was manufactured and installed by the oligarchs in order to
> protect them and their interests.
>
> His political party, Unity, was created, funded, and marketed by Boris
> Berezovsky, the so-called Godfather of Russia, and Roman Abramovich, who
has
> sometimes been called the man behind the man, and was so frightening that
> even the Russian media was too nervous to publish his picture until he
> decided to run for a seat in the Duma; for their services, Berezovsky and
> Abramovich were allowed to seize control of most of Russia's aluminum
> industry. Putin is said to be close to Alfa's Peter Aven, whom he met back
> in 1992; his presidential campaign headquarters and economic think tank
are
> located on property owned by SBS-Agro's Alexander Smolensky; RAO-UES head
> Anatoly Chubais, a fellow Petersburger, has played a key role in advising
> Putin and bringing him to power and prominence, and has been fighting with
> Berezovsky for Putin's favor (sound familiar?).
>
> Myth #4: PUTIN IS A NATIONALIST AND A PATRIOT
>
> Fact: It is entirely possible that Putin (or, more likely, his sponsors)
> blew up his own citizens' apartment buildings and, led Berezovsky and
> Chechen rebel leader Shamil Basayev, staged an invasion of Dagestan and
the
> subsequent second Chechen War in order to rally public support. His Unity
> party faction in the Duma voted to quash an investigation into an incident
> in Ryazan last September when FSB agents were caught planting hexagen
bombs
> in the basement of an apartment building. The FSB later said that their
> agents were merely testing the local police and citizenry for their
> vigilance, and Putin has led the fight to quash any further inquiries.
>
> Myth #5: PUTIN IS FRIENDLY TO FOREIGN INVESTORS
>
> Fact: Putin's attitude towards foreigners is no different from that of any
> other Russian bureaucrat.
>
> Do you know any Westerner who made a bundle in St. Petersburg, operating
in
> an environment known for its respect for law, while Putin was its Deputy
> Mayor and top liason with foriegn investors? We don't. But we do know a
few
> famous stories of big-time foreigner fleecing, right under Putin's stunted
> chin. Subway, one of the world's largest fast-food chains (second only to
> McDonald's), opened an outlet in 1994 to great fanfare, with plans to open
> at least thirty more. Within months, the Russian partner had stolen the
> business from the Americans; subsequent rulings by both the Arbitration
> Institute of the Stockholm Chamber of Commerce and the Russian Supreme
Court
> awarding almost $2 million dollars in compensation to the fleeced
Americans
> were totally ignored, and meanwhile the stolen restaurant was allowed to
> freely operate just a hop, skip, and a jump from Putin's office. Also
while
> deputy mayor, he oversaw the Kremlin-managed appropriation of an expensive
> dacha owned by German citizen Franz Sedelmeyer, which sent shockwaves
> through Petersburg's expatriate community. When a Russian court
subsequently
> ruled that the government should compensate Sedelmeyer to the tune of $2.3
> million dollars, Putin is alleged to have responded, "Tchya, and
sauerkraut
> might fly out of my butt." Shortly after he was named to head the FSB in
> July of 1998, it is believed that top Russian officials and oligarchs
stole
> an emergency $4.8 billion IMF stabilization loan, spiriting the entire sum
> out of the country. During Putin's tenure as prime minister, BP Amoco
> accused the Russian government of colluding with Tyumen Oil Company to
strip
> BP of valuable assets in rigged bankruptcy proceedings, a process that was
> only reversed when the U.S. government and media intervened with
> unprecedented hysteria and pressure.
>
> Myth #6: PUTIN IS A RIDDLE WRAPPED IN A MYSTERY INSIDE AN ENIGMA
>
> Fact: Putin is a chinless, five-foot-six snitch wrapped (by his dumpy
wife)
> inside ridiculously oversized herringbone double-breasted suits,
incongruous
> Zegna ties, and platform shoes, which make him look like an overzealous
> David Byrne groupie crashing a singles party at the Lodge.
>
> Myth #7: PUTIN IS A DEMOCRAT
>
> Fact: Putin is a bureaucrat.
>
> Myth #8. PUTIN IS AN AUTOCRAT
>
> Fact: Putin is a bureaucrat.
>
> Myth #9. PUTIN TELLS IT LIKE IT IS
>
> Fact: "A Sukhoi-27 is the cheapest[!], safest[!!!], fastest, way to fly
> [from Sochi] to Grozny... Frankly, the last thing I think about is
symbols."
> - Putin on why he hitched a ride into Chechnya in the backseat of an Su-27
> on the eve of Russia's presidential elections.
>
> Myth #10. PUTIN IS WIDELY POPULAR AMONG A RUSSIAN POPULACE THAT IS WEARY
OF
> CHANGE
>
> Fact: The Russian population no longer counts. They were brainwashed in a
> media campaign so savagely manipulative it made the Goebbels' propaganda
> machine look like a creaky horse-and-buggy by comparison; with the
> opposition destroyed, fear of a resurgent KGB checking people's will to
> dissent, and a manufactured war and terrorism threat gripping the nation,
> there was no choice left. There is as much genuine enthusiasm for Putin as
> there was for any other "elected" official during Soviet times: it's
called
> resignation.