***** NYT November 10, 2002
Bar Flirting
By RANDY COHEN
_A friend was flattered by the flirtatious attention of a handsome, bare-chested bartender at a gay nightclub. He later found out that the bartender is straight but flirts with the customers to increase his tips. My friend feels it is dishonest of the bartender to pretend to be gay. I feel a gay man should expect no more sincerity from a bare-chested bartender than a straight man would from a waitress in a form-fitting T-shirt. What are the ethical boundaries for flirting with customers? S.C., New York_
Flirting is not seduction; it is social play. The essential guideline for all forms of play is this: try not to injure the other players. Nothing in your story indicates that this bartender acted hurtfully. Indeed, as long as he stays behind the bar, his flirtatiousness is fine. If he were to ask people on dates to weasel them out of their money, then he'd err.
The same rule applies to the waitress who flirts with a customer in whom she has no interest. As long as she and the customer understand their interaction, it's entirely benign. Or even better than that: her playfulness makes the bacon and eggs go down easy. Gay and straight don't really come into it.
Your friend might want to reconsider the idea that bartenders all over town are falling at his feet. Modesty and social savvy are called for whether you do your drinking at a gay bar or at Hooters. (Of course, if you had social savvy, you wouldn't be drinking someplace with a comical name.) He should remember that he and the bartender have a business relationship, and for tapsters, amiability is virtually a job requirement: nobody likes (or tips) a dyspeptic bartender.
Both you and your friend might also re-examine your assumption that a man who spends eight hours a night flirting with other men is unvaryingly straight. Such categories may be less defined than you suggest. Thus your friend might some day be cheered to discover that he wasn't rejected for his sexual orientation but on his merits....
Send your queries to ethicist at nytimes.com or The Ethicist, The New York Times Magazine, 229 West 43rd Street, New York, N.Y. 10036, and include a daytime phone number.
<http://www.nytimes.com/2002/11/10/magazine/10ETHICIST.html> ***** -- Yoshie
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