Got my new toy home. Take my temperature. Just to see if I'm hot or not.
92.6.
I am dead.
Went to the bathroom to do the mirror test. Yah, I'm there, so I'm not a vampire. A vamp, maybe. Then, I breathed on the mirror. Yep, there's some condensation there. I have a functioning respiratory system. So, I take my temp again. 93.1. STILL dead.
When did someone kill me--besides Catherine who can slay me, even half a world away? When I called 911 about this woman killing me like that, they thought I was abusing the 911 Emergency Call System.
But that was a coupla days ago when Cat slayed me. I don't remember anyone killing me recently?
Well, maybe it's just that I'm in the _process_ of dying? Wouldn't the body temp just go down over a period of time? Yes, of course, that's how they estimate the time of death. Maybe I need a detective and a coroner to help figure out exactly when I died. Then, we might be able to find my murderer.
But my temperature actually went up. So, maybe it was a temporary thing?
Figures. When other people have a near death experience, they see a warm glowing white light and meet their god. Or they talk to their favorite Great Aunt May I mean, even Christopher, on The Sopranos, gets to visit Purgatory, right?
Me? My near death experience was, apparently, a trip to Walmart.
Slip the thermometer under my tongue: 92.8.
So, it goes on like that for awhile as I try to finish up some work. Every so often, I check my temp. Meanwhile, I also start searching the Internet.
I stabbed myself with a pin and drew blood. Kewl. It's red even. Take the temp again. Still 92-93 range. Once, I got a 94. Thyroid problems maybe? Big Fat Krispy Kreme. I have none of the other symptoms. I have a pulse, too. That's a relief.
Head to the kitchen to start dinner. Food will help. The Thermic Effect of Feeding, doncha know. Notice the total pain in the ass packaging from the thermometer laying there. You know the kind? The kind you need a small hand saw to cut through? Look inside the package. Uhm, oh. There are, like, instructions.
RTFM: It'll bring you back to life.
So, why is it that taking my temp the way I was taught--under the tongue--doesn't work for the new-fangled thermometers?
Kelley
Coulda been deadlifts